Yes, things are going great in my life. I have gotten into one of my favorite universities, and cast in a great role in a musical. But still, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been trying to come to terms with some of my past and move on, so that I can create a life for myself that is outside of my normal cell of security.
I know, all-in-all I haven't had that bad of a life. My parents love me, I have a great family, and apparently I shouldn't be as messed up as I am. But I am affected strongly by people's emotions. I have always reacted to how other people are feeling and I generally hold other people's pain inside me along with my own. This has led to some past pains appearing at awkward times. I think that during the time when the actual events occurred I was so focused on helping others that I didn't really get time to grieve and heal myself. And it turns out, the people I was trying to heal pretty much didn't even care. Thank You Very Much!
I am hoping to spend some time feeling my own feelings and healing from this pain. I just hope that I allow myself to actually do this. I am a bit afraid of opening those wounds again, they were painful enough the first time. Losing ones best friend is no easy thing.
Even as I am typing these words I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and my first instinct is to stop them from falling. I thought I had cried enough, but apparently not........Sorry I had to stop and feel that emotion. I have named it, which I never really had before now. Guilt. I won't go into detail, but I have always felt that if I had picked up the phone this would never have happened. I know, I can't know this, and I cannot ever say that MY actions could have changed anything, and really, it is too late now! It is just a hard thing to let go. I really wanted to help, and I didn't. I forgot.
Time to get back to my packing. Hopefully my new life can start now, with a clean slate.
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