So This is Real Life?

I have only one piece of news to share, I have less than 30 days to find a job and a place to live.

The situation this came from is ridiculous and idiotic and immature and delusional, but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to move on. Our house has been a stressful place for quite a while. My mother is not an easy woman to live with, she needs to have control of everything and her nose in everyone's business.

Last summer my sister's fiance moved in. I am just going to say that he isn't the easiest person for me to handle and not at all the type of guy I would want my sister to date. He has three children by three different ladies and is going through some problems with the law which is why he is living with us. Before he moved in with us I was a nervous person but living with someone with his type of temper is not easy for me. I am constantly scared that my actions will cause him to start slamming things around and yelling. It has happened. I left a plate on the counter and he slammed around the house for 15 minutes yelling about the "fucking lazy ass who can't clean up after their slob ass..." and on and on.

Anyway, I the argument in question occurred during a family dinner that I prepared. I was frustrated at how it was coming out and was kind of snapping at people. Nothing different than anyone in this household has done many many times. He bursts out with "Why the fuck can't we just eat in fucking peace for once?" So I get up from the table and leave(I have learned that avoidance is safer for me). I realize that I worked my ass off cooking dinner, (which tasted great but looked horrible)and deserved to be able to eat it. So I went back to the table. I took responsibility for my temper but I would not apologize to him for saying that. It just dissolved into me leaving again, and mom saying if I didn't eat now then she would just throw it away. I was too upset to eat by that time anyway.  My parents came into my room and basically let me have it, screaming and blaming and name calling and the whole shebang. Mom then said that since I can't get along with the family and cause all the stress that I have 30 days to get out. Actually she said that I just needed to leave, then said that I have 30 days. They left and I freaked out alone for a while.

Then my mom started her standard turn the stupid and mean things she says into a positive routine, or what I like to call COMPLETE BULLSHIT! She wanted to make it seem like she made a rational decision to get me to move on because she thought it would be better for me. I think it will be, and I was planning to, as soon as I can find a job that would support me in my own space. 30 days is kind of unreasonable but I have a feeling that if I make a real effort they will stretch the time. Otherwise I will be living in a shelter. At this point even that would be preferable to here.

I can't wait to have my own space where I can feel safe and like I am actually doing something. I would just like to feel that my family actually cares. I am fighting down this pathetic Kim voice telling me that if my own family doesn't love me and think I am capable how will anyone else? and listing all the various negatives about me that would lead them to prefer Joe to me.

My parents have said over and over that they are trying to create a safe loving environment so that if something happens for my sister she will feel comfortable coming home. Where is my love and safety? why does a maniac get to poison my home and force me out. I don't even feel like part of the family anymore, I am just a handy scapegoat for everyone else's problems. I guess I am an easy target since I am sensitive and empathetic and actually care how my actions impact others

Fuck it! and screw them.

If I have to bow and scrape to my own family, I don't want it. I will start my own life and leave all this shit behind. I can do it, I know I can. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am a good person and worth something and I can't let them rob me of that.

Clayton and I freezing while waiting to see Owl City

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