Thoughts on a Potential New Endeavor

So...here's the scoop. Recently a group called 4k for Cancer (check them out here) rode through town. A group of around 30 college aged heroes cycling from Baltimore to Portland for cancer. Wow. Roughly 4000 miles in 70 days. The riders that participate have to raise a minimum for $4500 to ride.

I WANT TO DO THIS!

No really.

I have been thinking about this since I heard about it. I didn't actually get to meet the riders but heard about it from my parents who were both tearing up just talking about it. My mom is a breast cancer survivor and my uncle(Dad's brother) just died from cancer.

The riders talk to people and write names of people, survivors or victims, on their calves so the riders behind them can keep those people in their thoughts. Both Mom and Marty's names graced multiple legs as they took their last ride from St. Helens to Portland.

I have been reading and reading and thinking and praying and asking myself if I am crazy for wanting to do this. These are some of the positives and negatives for doing it:

#1. I am fat. Let's just call a spade a spade. I am not only fat but out of shape. I have 8 or 9 months to prepare...I don't know if I will physically able to do it.

#2. I want to do something big like this. I think it would be a lovely story to tell my grandchildren someday. The story of a girl who took a huge risk and tried to make a difference in this world and in herself. This would be an incredible journey of self discovery.

#3. Money! That $4500 seems huge! I'm sure that people will want to help but it just seems so big.

#4. Time. I have a full time job and am planning on going back to school soon. Will my job just let me go for over 70 days? Will I have to quit and stress about finding a job again when I come back?

#5. Fitness! I think that training for this ride will be great and maybe the emotional and social impact of the cancer activism nature of it will keep me motivated.

#6. Cycling...I don't think I have ever been much of a natural at riding a bike. I went on some spectacular falls as a child. I did read that most of the riders started out with little to no cycling experience though.

#7. I am kind of shy and self conscious and would be with around 30 strangers for 70 days. I worry that I won't make friends or feel comfortable around the people in my group.

#8. Gleep! What will I do with my poor pooch? I don't think he would enjoy riding across the country in his bag on my back.

#9. Something about this is calling to me. I have felt drawn to it since I heard about it.

#10. How many people can say they rode a bike across the country let alone for an amazing cause that it so close to so many people?

I think I have come to the decision to apply and then see what happens after that. They start accepting applications September 1st so I have a few more days to chicken out. I tweeted about it and 3 riders have already started encouraging me to do it. I don't know though. I can't seem to sort out the self doubt and logical reasoning. Let me know your thoughts and who knows, in a few months I could be hitting you up for donations.

PS I know the ride from Baltimore to Portland went through Ohio and stopped in Dayton and had a free day in Cleveland. Just saying *cough cough Ken and Allison *cough cough

Reflections

I thought that since my brother, Ken, his wonderful wife, Allison, and my awesome niece and nephew are moving halfway across the country I would make sure everyone knows how awesome they are. I don't know that I could ask for better family members and stronger support. I will forever be filled with love for there amazing human beings.

I'll start with my brother(chronologically it makes sense): from the moment I can remember we were close. He would take care of me and teach my funny things to say in my high pitched voice. I was just reminded that he used me in some of his videos he made in high school, I was under the age of three at the time. I was heart broken when he left for the Navy. I cried and cried and cried. A few nights when I knew he would be home the next day I was so excited I made myself sick. I actually vomited I was so happy to be seeing him. I always know that I can count on him for anything and that he will always support me in any of my choice. He is a bit of a center of calm and reason in the midst of a crazy family.

Things I learned from my brother: Micheal Jordan, algebra (at age 7), how to use gears and hand brakes on a bicycle, how to count out binary on my hands, how to...acquire music.

I have the best sister-in-law on the planet! Allison was a great addition to the family(good job, Ken!). As soon as I met her I knew I liked her, the fact that I was dressed as a clown didn't even phase her. I have found through the years that I have another sister not just a sister-in-law. We are capable of talking and talking the day and the planet's problems away. She is a truly beautiful person inside and out, I know it wounds cheesy but it is true. I look at her and I see her following her dreams and succeeding and can't help but look up to her.

Think I learned from Allison: I do not have the corner on crazy families, I don't have to hide my opinions to have people love me, I am a good person, follow your passion, the wonder of pedicures!

I have to stop for now...I can barely see. I will continue my reminiscing at a later time.

Ohio, you are getting some amazing people. I hope you realize how lucky you are

So This is Real Life?

I have only one piece of news to share, I have less than 30 days to find a job and a place to live.

The situation this came from is ridiculous and idiotic and immature and delusional, but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to move on. Our house has been a stressful place for quite a while. My mother is not an easy woman to live with, she needs to have control of everything and her nose in everyone's business.

Last summer my sister's fiance moved in. I am just going to say that he isn't the easiest person for me to handle and not at all the type of guy I would want my sister to date. He has three children by three different ladies and is going through some problems with the law which is why he is living with us. Before he moved in with us I was a nervous person but living with someone with his type of temper is not easy for me. I am constantly scared that my actions will cause him to start slamming things around and yelling. It has happened. I left a plate on the counter and he slammed around the house for 15 minutes yelling about the "fucking lazy ass who can't clean up after their slob ass..." and on and on.

Anyway, I the argument in question occurred during a family dinner that I prepared. I was frustrated at how it was coming out and was kind of snapping at people. Nothing different than anyone in this household has done many many times. He bursts out with "Why the fuck can't we just eat in fucking peace for once?" So I get up from the table and leave(I have learned that avoidance is safer for me). I realize that I worked my ass off cooking dinner, (which tasted great but looked horrible)and deserved to be able to eat it. So I went back to the table. I took responsibility for my temper but I would not apologize to him for saying that. It just dissolved into me leaving again, and mom saying if I didn't eat now then she would just throw it away. I was too upset to eat by that time anyway.  My parents came into my room and basically let me have it, screaming and blaming and name calling and the whole shebang. Mom then said that since I can't get along with the family and cause all the stress that I have 30 days to get out. Actually she said that I just needed to leave, then said that I have 30 days. They left and I freaked out alone for a while.

Then my mom started her standard turn the stupid and mean things she says into a positive routine, or what I like to call COMPLETE BULLSHIT! She wanted to make it seem like she made a rational decision to get me to move on because she thought it would be better for me. I think it will be, and I was planning to, as soon as I can find a job that would support me in my own space. 30 days is kind of unreasonable but I have a feeling that if I make a real effort they will stretch the time. Otherwise I will be living in a shelter. At this point even that would be preferable to here.

I can't wait to have my own space where I can feel safe and like I am actually doing something. I would just like to feel that my family actually cares. I am fighting down this pathetic Kim voice telling me that if my own family doesn't love me and think I am capable how will anyone else? and listing all the various negatives about me that would lead them to prefer Joe to me.

My parents have said over and over that they are trying to create a safe loving environment so that if something happens for my sister she will feel comfortable coming home. Where is my love and safety? why does a maniac get to poison my home and force me out. I don't even feel like part of the family anymore, I am just a handy scapegoat for everyone else's problems. I guess I am an easy target since I am sensitive and empathetic and actually care how my actions impact others

Fuck it! and screw them.

If I have to bow and scrape to my own family, I don't want it. I will start my own life and leave all this shit behind. I can do it, I know I can. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am a good person and worth something and I can't let them rob me of that.

Clayton and I freezing while waiting to see Owl City

This message has been sent using the picture and Video service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, Quicktime@ 6.5 or higher is required.

Kim Blogs Books Ep 1

I have been thinking of ideas that may help me with my lack of regular blogs. One is to kind of review books that I am reading. Maybe not give a full on book report but just let my few readers know my ideas about the numerous books I am reading. My ideas may not be what I would call informed or intelligent, just my thoughts on what came across the page. I got the idea today during my near weekly trip to the library.

So here is my first edition of Kim Blogs Books:

I have recently been introduced to Graphic Novels. There are a number of them that I considered for my first review but I decided to go with the first graphic novel I ever read, Watchmen. I would have to say that this was a great introduction to the genre. I had heard wild tales about how great it was and had a chance to preview it on a long bus ride with the Pacific University Chamber Singer.

We probably made it through the first few chapters including the sections that are purely text. Shane and I were using our best superhero voices while reading it aloud to each other. We barely lifted our eyes off the page to wipe the laugh-tears out of the way. Not that I am saying it was funny, it was just hilarious to hear Rorschach's voice come out of a sweetly flambouyant member of my own personal "Gay Pride."

I love the artwork of Graphic Novels and Watchmen is no different. I love the tight close ups and grand panoramic views. It really helps me to get a feel for the environment.

One of my favorite parts is watching the interplay between the newspaper salesman and the young boy from the neighborhood. It is a nice "normal" interaction in a strange world. It kept people human for me. It was easier to remember that even the costumed superheroes are just people dressed up. I really appreciate that departure from the regular Superman type superheroes. Guys with ginormous muscles and superpowers from birth, mutation, or otherwise. These heroes are just people who wanted to make a difference somehow and dressed up to do it. They get old and retire, forcibly or otherwise, they lead normal lives, some of the time, and have mommy issues just like the rest of us.

Everything taken into consideration Watchmen was a perfect introduction to the genre for me and I can't say that it started badly. I give it a B+


So there was my first book review. Let me know what you think. I will always take suggestion of new books to read. I will read almost anything...pretty much.

COMING SOON: Neil Gaiman's Sandman series, Kingdom Come, various books by Lynn Flewelling and many many more!!!!! Stay tuned!

Things I Have Learned

I have learned that I really dislike violence
There are tastes I do not enjoy
I have learned that as wacky as my family is...
well I fit it
I have learned that anger frightens me, especially in myself.
I will stay up all night with a good book.
I have learned that I am stronger than I thought and weaker than I would have hoped.
I have never been so alone and yet not lonely
I tried to teach myself organization but I lost myself along the way.
I have finally learned that I am a good person
I am just waiting to learn that I am good enough
I learned about waiting
I forgot about pain, then remember as I tumbled down again
I learned that tomorrow is another day and that each day is its own beginning
and cheesy as it sounds I have learned that in each beginning, an end, and each end, a beginning.
I have yet to learn what is around each corner or where my road will take me
I just know that I have finally learned to live within my own skin
I don't have to like it, I don't need to be happy, I just need to take it all as it comes.
I have no faith in the outcome or concrete goal to attain, I just know my path will lead where it will
No step is wrong, no stop is the end. My heart will take me to where I am meant to be.
I have learned some of the best encouragement comes from "strangers" on the internet.
I have learned that those closest to you can do the most damage.
I have learned I must stand on my own
I am still learning not to cling to the ones I love
I have learned about death and life
I have learned about fear
But I have learned that I can't let fear stop my voice
I have mostly learned that I will never know enough.

Oh, Yes I Did!

I have a bit of a rant so I thought I would just get it out here.

I am an adult, yes I am. I may live with my parents at this time but I am 22 freaking years old. I got my ass most of the way through college without one bad grade or problem. I did have to come home, but you know what? I feel better than I have ever in my life.

I feel that I have worth and that I am a good person. In fact I KNOW I am a good person. I have never smoked anything, never done any drugs of any sort, never contracted an STD, never cheated on a boyfriend. Lets see, I have never caused a car accident, I stand up for the underdog, I strive for equality, and I generally practice what I preach. In fact the person that I have treated the worst over the years has been me.

I do have a drink every once in a while. In fact this week I have had drinks with my best friend at his apartment with no plans to drive twice. Neither of us were remotely drunk or anything. We made cosmos and watched stand up comedy or sat around chatting. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact we were being responsible.

However it has gotten back to my parents that I drink alot. Obviously, I don't. This week is pretty much the only time I have really had alcohol more than one night.

The hardest part about this is that I find myself at odds with my little sister. I have always felt tremendous love for her and have frequently out myself in harms way for her. Whether it was taking a few punches or taking responsibility for a common prank with our parent. She was the one to pass on the word that I drink, not to mention my own words and those of others about how ridiculous they were being about my so called drinking problem. Not to mention that we were discussing it over twitter. Neither of my parent have or want twitter, they don't even understand it!

IDIOT. I think she may have just burned her last bridge to me. I have spent the last six months feeling like the outsider in my own home because of her enabling her fiances rudeness. I live here. These are my parent. Stop trying to cause drama and create issues. I know that your situation isn't what you would like it to be but that is NO reason to put me in their cross-hairs. This is the last thing they should be worrying about.

So wish me luck in my search for a full time job and my own place. I can and will stand on my own without people pulling me down and throwing me under the bus.