A New Direction

In the last few weeks I have had a couple really interesting experiences and I am reminded more and more that life is a journey. Since all my friends are back in school and I here about it just by logging into Facebook I could really avoid the depression and sense that I had lost my way. I didn't realize just how much that was impacting my mental state until I went on a little journey.

I joined the young adults group at my parents church, partly to keep said parents happy and partly to increase my social quotient. I haven't been getting out much lately. Basically it is a small group of people(4) out of high school but not settled down yet. My friend Marsea is part of the group, we graduated together and have always got along. She was with me when I went to my first straight bar!

We have only met a few times and our last meeting was an outing to go for a walk in a labyrinth. We drove out the Gorge not too far from Vista House to Presbyterian retreat center called Menucha that is on a gorgeous bit of property donated by the Meier part of Meier and Frank. It is in a forested area and there are gardens and paths and plenty outdoor activities including a pool overlooking the river.

I don't know if everyone will know what a Labyrinth is but it is kind of a maze that you can't get lost in. You follow the path as it moves back and forth and around until you reach the center. Many ancient cultures used specific patterns of them as decoration as well as the real ones.

We walked quietly surrounded by nature and peace and meditated on whatever needed to be meditated on. I just walked and let my mind go to the place it does when I free-write. Countless thoughts ran through my head but the overwhelming majority lead me to feel a sense of peace. I could use the labyrinth to echo my life. I may not be going in the direction I think I should be going but if I keep going I will end up where I am meant to. It might look like I'm never going to get there but unexpectedly I will reach the center.

I think it was also a metaphor for my mental state. I have been dealing with alot of issues mentally including a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I could see that my thoughts and emotions swirl around and take me in many different directions up and down, happy, sad. Even the problems with attention keep me from going straight to the center of what I need to do. Yet, somehow I ended up in the middle eventually with a calm center and less guilt.

This is a hint of blogs to come

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Koko...I Miss You!

So just to give readers a chance to leave the page this post is probably going to be depressing and possibly disturbing. Disturbing mostly to animal lovers. I give you my permission to turn away and find something happier to read.

Today we took Koko, a 14 year old shar-pei to the veterinarian to be euthanized. She has been with us for about 11 1/2 years. She was the funniest thing you ever saw with wrinkles and and squishy smoochie face. She loved to run around the back yard and bark at the cars going by. I always felt safe while walking with her, she took on a pair of ginormous rotties once. She wasn't always the most obedient but she wasn't bad. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. Catlike I guess. But she was so sweet.

In the last year she has been getting senile and sometimes confused. Her health stayed good but in the last couple months was deteriorating. She started eating less and losing weight. When we took her to the vet they couldn't find anything wrong. She just declined more and more. She didn't eat for about a week. So we made the decision to put her out of pain and let her go.

Here comes the more disgusting part.

I had to lift her frail body into and out of the car. She walked into the exam room and we got her to lay on the blanket spread out on the floor. Over the last few months she had lost about 15 pounds and looked slightly skeletal. I cried just looking at her.

The vet came in and explained what was supposed to happen but didn't. She tried both front legs but Koko's blood pressure was so low that the injection wouldn't go in. An assistant was brought in and they tried one back leg. All through this Becca and I were holding her and trying to let her know it would be ok. She just kept struggling. She never liked having her feet handled. Finally the last leg was tried. The needle was yet again forced under her skin and into her vein. She cried and cried the whole time the needle was in.

Her heart stopped within 30 seconds.

We sat there surrounding our beloved pet sobbing. We tried to find and give solace at the same time without success. There were barely any spasms after she passed. Less than I thought actually. Only her lip twitched in memory of life. Her body cooled quickly, and color left her lips.

I think I will need to purge this from my mind for a while before I can think about it without crying.

I just wish she hadn't died crying. The whole point of this was to end her life before it got any worse.


Goodbye Koko, Rest in Peace and give 'em Hell in Heaven. I'll miss you smoochie face

Longest Blog Ever!

I just weighed myself and I have now lost 5 pounds since starting the South Beach Diet. I think I could be doing better if I could just get off my ass and start walking. It is really difficult for me, but I have been doing better, any progress is better than none.

I should be getting my CES machine this week and I can't wait to start giving it a shot! I can't remember if I let it out that I have ADD. I was just diagnosed with it in the last month. I have been reading about it and trying to decide how I feel about it and I have decided that I can't let it stop me. I just need to find different ways of coping than I have been using before. Time for some hard work! I have also decided that I want to do as much of this without drugs as I can. I met with my doctor and she agrees. She is against starting adults on stimulants without serious thought or discussion, because there is such a risk of addiction. That, and there isn't a whole lot of research on what ritalin and adderol do in the adult brain, at least not as much as in children.

I have been trying to reach out to a few people I haven't spoken to in a while to see if they want to start walking with me. It has been really hard but I just need to make a new support group for myself. I don't need toxic influences on my life and that is what I had before. I didn't even know it! Now I do and I am NOT going to let that happen to me again.

This weekend was really interesting for me. We went to the coast and one of my sister's friends came along with us. I had a really hard time with the stress and the people. I wanted to come home partway into the first day! Dad decided he wouldn't let me run and so I had to deal. I did. Mostly. The Fourth was the worst and the best. We spent the morning hanging out in the campground then we headed out to visit family. Two groups of our family were at the coast as well. It was great to see them! I LOVE my family and they are such a great support for and I did well with the groups even though there were a couple strangers at one house we went to.

Later that night is when things got hairy. Mom dragged us down on the beach to watch the fireworks. It was seriously NUTS! There were a ton of people drinking yelling and setting off fireworks. I had asked to stay in the trailer, but Mom started sighing and frowning so I knew she would be pissed if i stayed whether or not she said I could. I said I would go so long as people didn't leave me alone and they didn't let me get lost in the crowd. As soon as we got out of the car guess what happened? I was left by the side of the road while they trotted on ahead. Dad came back and walked with me and told mom that she needed to slow down.

We eventually found a spot in the sand to set up our blankets and all the way there I was in full panic mode. I was hyperventilating, crying, and sweating, the WHOLE TIME! Mom just ignored me when I asked if we could stay near the edge and went on wading in to find us a spot. It was HORRIBLE! Then Mom started in on how proud she was of me and all that crap, gah! I am not going to do that again for a long while! I have to make my own decisions even if it is going to piss Mom off. We couldn't even see the real fireworks because of the fog!

Enough of that! I am doing better now and am trying to look ahead not back.

Oh, I also think I might start writing again. I have an idea for a story that I really think other people would enjoy. Now I just need to get myself to do the actual writing! UGH!

Interesting Insight

I was trolling the internet for inspiration and came across a reference to a Celtic Zodiac system. I checked it out and there are some faults with it. There are no written records of many pieces of it but basically they made it similar to other zodiac systems. I think it is pretty sweet.

My birthday is in late August so I fall in the Hazel category. It is split into two categories and I think I actually fall into the first one even though I was born in the second half of the sign. I was due two weeks before I was actually born so I wonder if that has something to do with it. There are others that I know that are in similar situation, they fit in a different sign or category than they are officially placed.

Once I started reading about this stuff my brain really got working. I had so many ideas. I have always had a fascination with tattoos and have really been thinking of incorporating some of the imagery from the Celtic system into my tattoos, when I get them. In my sign there is a Salmon and a Crane connection both of which I had actually thought about before. I definately think I want a celtic inspired tattoo, but I don't know exactly what yet. I have to get a big payday to afford any tattoos though :)

If you want to check out your Celtic Zodiac this is a pretty good site.

On and On...Going

This has been a great week on some levels. I am feeling good about myself more and more, even though the scale is being stubborn and not reflecting the changes I am noticing. Mostly my legs seem thinner and my belly is not quite as bulbous as it had been. I think some of the reason the scale isn't changing is that I don't really have good habits about when I measure my weight. I'm bad at schedules...

I do tend to go on carb binges and so far I've only done that a couple time since starting this whole South Beach thing. Last night included...Ooops. There were wheat thins in the house and I have no tool to say no to those. But I did well today and even went for a long hike. I took Gleep and we went for about 40-50mins up the Crown Zellerbach Trail. It follows an old logging/railroad bed up the Scappoose/Vernonia Hwy. It isn't officially open but many people use it and have used it for ages. It goes way up into the hills but it isn't very steep so it was great for us. I forgot to grab the pedometer so I have no idea the distance we walked but it was pretty considerable.

Oh and I have a great tip I heard from one of the salespeople at No Skinny, my new favorite clothes store. If you deal with chafing between the thighs or other places, a liberal application of baby oil really helps. I had no issues with that on my hike today.

I think that is about it for now...Yeah!

Cuddling with my boy

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