New Beginnings

I am starting a new step for a job. I am going to be selling Mary Kay Cosmetics. I think this will be a good step because I spend alot of time around makeup, with stage makeup and if I feel like wearing it during the day. Besides this they sell cleansers and lotions and other things.

Besides the products being interesting and nice the company itself will be great for me. I will be able to schedule my business around my own schedule. So if anyone out there wants to buy products they should contact me. If you want to look at the products you can go to www.Marykay.com and see the full product line.

Worries

Lately I have had a lot of worries about my future, my job, my college, and my relationship. I have been so full of worry that I hardly am sleeping at night. I think I slept about three hours the last three nights.

I have been worried that I wont find a job that will pay me well enough to continue school and travel this summer. I have been worried that if I find a job I wont be able to focus on school. That is the most important thing my school. About my relationship I have been worrying lately because we haven't been talking very much. I am really worried that things are changing between us and that is the last thing I would ever want. He has been working a lot and been very busy and has been sick so we have lost opportunities to talk and I miss it a lot.

Last night I was really worried and I couldn't stop thinking about everything and I didn't sleep until about two o'clock this morning. I had a nice day spending time with my niece and my nephew. But still when I went to bed I couldn't sleep.

Maybe tonight I will sleep better, I hope so. I have to sit through a two hour lecture tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Umm, Not Much To Say

So as you may or may not be able to tell from the title of this post I cannot think of anything to say. So I think I will just ramble for a bit. I ran into a couple of girls that I knew in high school today on the bus to school. We were talking for a while and sat while waiting for our classes or buses. Talking to them and hearing stories about their lives and the lives of people I graduated with made me realize that besides being jobless I am actually really happy with my life and where I am. Although one thing I am not happy about is still being apart from Sanjib. I know that he is the one person I can trust with my heart more than anyone else in the world.


Since I was little I have had this feeling that my soul mate either romantic or platonic was someplace very far away. I have felt like there was someone out there for me since I was very little. I would sit by the window of our house and wish on all the stars and on the moon that this person would be safe and find their way to me. I really believe that this person is Sanjib.

I guess I had a bit more to talk about then I thought.

My New Favorite Video

Yeah, I already posted one of their videos, but something about this band just draws me in. The music is really great too, which is kind of rare for these days.

Is It Depression, Or Just Apathy

These last few days have not been going well for me. I found out this week that I don't have a job anymore. So now begins the job search. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't want to get stuck doing something I don't enjoy but at this point school comes first. I just started this last term and I don't want to become a loser who works at Walmart and does crack on the weekends like most of the townies in this little country hick town.

Money is an issue though, as I'm trying to save money for this trip to Nepal.

Speaking of, I hope that Malaysia is treating Sanjib well, because I miss him. With him gone I have realized that I stay up late just for him, I may make excuses to my parents and my sister, but really its just for him that I am up until after eleven o'clock every night and up by five thirty the next day.

Don't cry for me Argentina, or my readers, just pass along any good flexible hours part time jobs in the Portland Oregon area, or.......... well send me money, cash, lots of it, in small denominations, non sequential. OK now I know I've been watching way too much CSI.

Is This An Addiction? and other things

No, I'm not addicted to Meth, or Heroin or anything like that, but my parent believe that I might be addicted to the Internet. I'm not really sure if that is completely true because it isn't the Internet itself but the information I can get and the connections I can make and have made. Including but not limited to my boyfriend who I met and communicate with over the Internet. This does not include the homework and other school and searching for decent paying work things that I do.

OK, so I spend a lot of time on the Internet, pretty much as soon as I get up, and then any studying I do during the day, and then again during the evenings until late into the night. Yeah, maybe I'm addicted, but at least it isn't something that is going to hurt me in the long run.

In another completely unrelated matter.... I'm not really sure how to say this. But I have been noticing lately alot of parents losing their tempers with their children. I can understand some anger and frustration, but some of these parents seem to be going overboard with what they are angry at. I saw one harried mother of one about eighteen month old shake him because he was reaching for things in the grocery store. She didn't shake him enough to injure him, but it seemed outrageous to me.

I guess since I work with children and have experience with babies who are upset and acting out I just have no patience for parents overreacting. I deal with children with disabilities and children under two years. I know that anger does not help, and that if you get mad you may cause all sorts of problems in the future or just exacerbate the problem now. I only hope that if and when I become a parent I am able to control any frustrations that I may feel.

I know that hitting and yelling at children isn't good, I lived through some of that so I think I will always fear that someplace inside of me I am capable of doing the same thing to my own children. I know there is a strong barrier within myself to that, but I don't know............what if it isn't strong enough? All I can do is find a way to cope and find a way to make myself strong enough not to let what was done to me ruin my own future.

Dating And The Rest: part 2

Here is a continuation of the story I began yesterday.

The one guy friend and I had sort of left her fold, although we were still friends. We weren't as close as we had been, but we couldn't really escape her because she was intensely involved in the theater department with us. We were all involved in a musical production in which she had one lead and I had a large comic supporting role. The guys were also involved in this production as well.


It was during the beginning of this production that I found out the horrible news. My mom had breast cancer, and it was serious. I was a sophomore in high school by this point. It was a really rough time because my family needed my support, and because I have a younger sister I had to remain strong at home. I had been hoping to have the support of all my friends at school, so I continued in the production at my mother's urging.

I went to tell my friend, she was alone at lunchtime for once, and I told her the news. She looked at me for a while and said, oh, I'm sorry. Then she went on to complain that she couldn't date the other friend of ours because she believed it was wrong but she still had feelings for him. I was shocked. I had been there for her through everything, I helped her study, I held her while she cried and when I needed her to return the favor she couldn't or wouldn't.

I think I said something lame and left as quickly as I could and went to sit with one of the guys. He was the perfect picture of kindness, he asked of he could do anything and said if I did to just call him anytime no matter what. That is what I needed. He helped me stay afloat during this very busy time of school then intense rehearsals, where I had to deal with my former friends attention seeking behavior and her pitying attitude to me. Not just that , but when I went home, everything was sad and somber and intense as my mom went through her double mastectomy, and then healed from that physically, mentally, and spiritually.

He was my rock to sanity.

After that experience with someone I thought was my best friend I decided that I would stay away from her and other people a bit more and that shell became even stronger. People were always coming to me for advise on everything but I never ever understood how they could ask me, the person who had lost her best friend and seemingly her only chance at a boyfriend.

I guess I understand people, except the crazy ones.

This experience leads me to today, and my wonderful crazy relationship with Sanjib. For those who may not know about it, we met over the internet through my little sister. He lives in Nepal and I live in the US. We haven't met in person yet, but hope to this summer. One of my friends think I got into this relationship because it is safe. But it isn't exactly safe, he is so far away and I have given my heart to him and completely trust him.

Dating And The Rest: part 1

Today I am going to write about dating.

OK now that those of you who know me have stopped laughing, I will continue. I say this because some of my faithful readers know that the relationship I am currently in is the first romantic relationship I have had since second grade, I think his name was Elijah. These same people will tell you I am an innocent in the ways of dating, although it is the same people who come to me for dating advise all the time. This post isn't necessarily just about dating but friendship as well.

I am writing this blog not for all of you but I think for me, just to get my thoughts in order. I guess you may think that it is strange for me to publish my words on the internet and not care if anyone reads them, but in all seriousness I do not care. At least for this post.

Dating is an illusive creature for me. I went through high school without a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter. I lived in a kind of a shell, I'm not entirely sure what that shell was, but it certainly did its job. I was separate from most people, and for a while I was alright with that. I don't need a billion and one friends I just need a few to take care of, and to take care of me. I generally hung out with just a few people from the theater department. I was uncomfortable around all the militant Christians and the crazy druggies. So I stayed in my shell.

That shell led me to one of my former best friends, I wont name her in case she read this. She drew me to her because I saw her energy and her confidence. I wasn't and am not very confident in myself and my abilities, I have a great fear of failure and the disappointment that comes with it. She could stand up and speak without fear, I thought she could do anything. So I tried to become like her, but in doing that I forgot who I am and what my own strength are. All I could talk about was her all I could think about is her. I did anything she told me to do, any belief she held I held it too. I did my best to turn into her.

I failed, and now I am happy that I did. It was what happened between us and a couple of our guy friends that showed me this. We had two guys that we generally hung out with between classes and rehearsals and whenever. My friend had this idea that you should date unless you wanted to get married to that person, and because she believed that I did too. These two guy were really nice and good friends to us. But I began to realize that she had some sort of control over them as well. I couldn't figure it out. Still can't.

But anyway I think I liked one of these guys, maybe enough to date him, at this point I was shaking off some of her power. So we started hanging out more he and his mom took me to a couple events and we had fun, and we kept hanging out. Then she came and said that she liked him and told me to back off and I did, she told him that she liked him and he followed her. Gave her the things she wanted and acted in the way she wanted. The other guy had gotten wise and sort of left our group. He was still my friend and she hated that, she wanted to be my best and only friend, no one else was good for me but her. She thought everyone was trying to corrupt me.

I will finish this story later, I think it is just too long for one post.

Today I can think of nothing to write, but I'm trying to create that habit of blogging more frequently to this is pretty much it.

UMMMMMM..................if anyone has any ideas, please let me know

Begging For Nothing

This is a picture of me during Cinderella, a play I was in a couple summers ago. during that time i didn't think i was capable of anything on my own. I thought i needed someones help for everything. I've realized now that in order for me to be proud of an accomplishment I need to do things for myself. That doesn't mean that I don't need support and help, it just means that I am capable of doing things on my own. I haven't done anything great lately but I just figured that out.

Later this year there will be auditions for Beauty and The Beast. I'm not sure I am going to audition. I really am not sure. I hope to be traveling to Nepal this summer, but I'm not sure about the date so I don't know whether or not I should do it.

Maybe soon, I will know..................or come to a decision

Back From the Beach, Full of Sniffles

Hello readers, I'm back from the beach where I was sick with a cold that kicked my ass. I could barely make a coherent thought let alone speak or enjoy myself until the last day we were there. Let me tell you, it was the worst trip to the beach I have had. I love the beach even when the weather is bad, so not to be able to enjoy it sucked big time.

When we first arrived we set up camp then went to bed. Apparently I was rolling around in bed all night and snoring, probably owing to the fact that my head was full of mucus that inhibited my breathing. This rolling and snoring disturbed the rest of the family. The next day the family went to pick up some groceries and do some other shopping in the Tillamook area, they left me sleeping on the couch taking Sudafed and Tylenol. That night we watched Fox and The Hound 2 and went swimming at the swimming pool.

The next day I pretended to feel better and the whole family went out to go shopping at the factory outlet mall in Lincoln City. I some necessities that I needed, shoes and pants. Neither of which I found, or I didn't find ones that I like, so.......... but I got a really cute shirt. Oh, and I got some new socks. Later that night we went swimming, but the pressure was too much for my head. I again snored throughout the night, not something I usually do, but I guess with a stuffed up nose I cant help it.

Sunday my family drove back to St. Helens so that my parent could go to their church. I remained behind, to hopefully be that much closer to wellness. No such luck. I hung out on the couch and watched 3 of the Harry Potter Movies although, I slept through most of them, not the Goblet of Fire. On their way back from home they picked up Becca's boyfriend. He stayed with us that night and hung out with us today. that night my snoring was not noticed, partially because I think it was better, and partially because we were exhausted after going to the lamest New Year's Party I've been to.

The music was too loud and it was really bad country music. Most of the people there were old people although there were a few annoying kids running around. The pounding of the horrendous sound made my head feel like it was going to explode. I'm not sure if it was because I was sick or if it was because the music just sucked. Besides the party we went to the beach and climbed on some rocks earlier in the day. It was way too cold to go into the water although I ended up getting my feet wet climbing around the rocks and though pool that are covered when the tide is in.

Today we broke camp and drove to Pacific City to eat at the Pelican. Oh man, they have the bast clam chowder I have ever had. That restaurant brews their own beer and root beer. Their beer is some of my parents favorite ever beer. The bought a case of it to take home. Becca ate our usual meal there, we share a personal pizza and each get a bowl of the chowder. After this trip we went to the Tillamook Cheese Factory for a tour and spent a lot of time hanging out there. Then we drove home and here I sit with a still dripping nose and a headache.