A New Direction

In the last few weeks I have had a couple really interesting experiences and I am reminded more and more that life is a journey. Since all my friends are back in school and I here about it just by logging into Facebook I could really avoid the depression and sense that I had lost my way. I didn't realize just how much that was impacting my mental state until I went on a little journey.

I joined the young adults group at my parents church, partly to keep said parents happy and partly to increase my social quotient. I haven't been getting out much lately. Basically it is a small group of people(4) out of high school but not settled down yet. My friend Marsea is part of the group, we graduated together and have always got along. She was with me when I went to my first straight bar!

We have only met a few times and our last meeting was an outing to go for a walk in a labyrinth. We drove out the Gorge not too far from Vista House to Presbyterian retreat center called Menucha that is on a gorgeous bit of property donated by the Meier part of Meier and Frank. It is in a forested area and there are gardens and paths and plenty outdoor activities including a pool overlooking the river.

I don't know if everyone will know what a Labyrinth is but it is kind of a maze that you can't get lost in. You follow the path as it moves back and forth and around until you reach the center. Many ancient cultures used specific patterns of them as decoration as well as the real ones.

We walked quietly surrounded by nature and peace and meditated on whatever needed to be meditated on. I just walked and let my mind go to the place it does when I free-write. Countless thoughts ran through my head but the overwhelming majority lead me to feel a sense of peace. I could use the labyrinth to echo my life. I may not be going in the direction I think I should be going but if I keep going I will end up where I am meant to. It might look like I'm never going to get there but unexpectedly I will reach the center.

I think it was also a metaphor for my mental state. I have been dealing with alot of issues mentally including a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I could see that my thoughts and emotions swirl around and take me in many different directions up and down, happy, sad. Even the problems with attention keep me from going straight to the center of what I need to do. Yet, somehow I ended up in the middle eventually with a calm center and less guilt.

This is a hint of blogs to come

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Koko...I Miss You!

So just to give readers a chance to leave the page this post is probably going to be depressing and possibly disturbing. Disturbing mostly to animal lovers. I give you my permission to turn away and find something happier to read.

Today we took Koko, a 14 year old shar-pei to the veterinarian to be euthanized. She has been with us for about 11 1/2 years. She was the funniest thing you ever saw with wrinkles and and squishy smoochie face. She loved to run around the back yard and bark at the cars going by. I always felt safe while walking with her, she took on a pair of ginormous rotties once. She wasn't always the most obedient but she wasn't bad. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. Catlike I guess. But she was so sweet.

In the last year she has been getting senile and sometimes confused. Her health stayed good but in the last couple months was deteriorating. She started eating less and losing weight. When we took her to the vet they couldn't find anything wrong. She just declined more and more. She didn't eat for about a week. So we made the decision to put her out of pain and let her go.

Here comes the more disgusting part.

I had to lift her frail body into and out of the car. She walked into the exam room and we got her to lay on the blanket spread out on the floor. Over the last few months she had lost about 15 pounds and looked slightly skeletal. I cried just looking at her.

The vet came in and explained what was supposed to happen but didn't. She tried both front legs but Koko's blood pressure was so low that the injection wouldn't go in. An assistant was brought in and they tried one back leg. All through this Becca and I were holding her and trying to let her know it would be ok. She just kept struggling. She never liked having her feet handled. Finally the last leg was tried. The needle was yet again forced under her skin and into her vein. She cried and cried the whole time the needle was in.

Her heart stopped within 30 seconds.

We sat there surrounding our beloved pet sobbing. We tried to find and give solace at the same time without success. There were barely any spasms after she passed. Less than I thought actually. Only her lip twitched in memory of life. Her body cooled quickly, and color left her lips.

I think I will need to purge this from my mind for a while before I can think about it without crying.

I just wish she hadn't died crying. The whole point of this was to end her life before it got any worse.


Goodbye Koko, Rest in Peace and give 'em Hell in Heaven. I'll miss you smoochie face

Longest Blog Ever!

I just weighed myself and I have now lost 5 pounds since starting the South Beach Diet. I think I could be doing better if I could just get off my ass and start walking. It is really difficult for me, but I have been doing better, any progress is better than none.

I should be getting my CES machine this week and I can't wait to start giving it a shot! I can't remember if I let it out that I have ADD. I was just diagnosed with it in the last month. I have been reading about it and trying to decide how I feel about it and I have decided that I can't let it stop me. I just need to find different ways of coping than I have been using before. Time for some hard work! I have also decided that I want to do as much of this without drugs as I can. I met with my doctor and she agrees. She is against starting adults on stimulants without serious thought or discussion, because there is such a risk of addiction. That, and there isn't a whole lot of research on what ritalin and adderol do in the adult brain, at least not as much as in children.

I have been trying to reach out to a few people I haven't spoken to in a while to see if they want to start walking with me. It has been really hard but I just need to make a new support group for myself. I don't need toxic influences on my life and that is what I had before. I didn't even know it! Now I do and I am NOT going to let that happen to me again.

This weekend was really interesting for me. We went to the coast and one of my sister's friends came along with us. I had a really hard time with the stress and the people. I wanted to come home partway into the first day! Dad decided he wouldn't let me run and so I had to deal. I did. Mostly. The Fourth was the worst and the best. We spent the morning hanging out in the campground then we headed out to visit family. Two groups of our family were at the coast as well. It was great to see them! I LOVE my family and they are such a great support for and I did well with the groups even though there were a couple strangers at one house we went to.

Later that night is when things got hairy. Mom dragged us down on the beach to watch the fireworks. It was seriously NUTS! There were a ton of people drinking yelling and setting off fireworks. I had asked to stay in the trailer, but Mom started sighing and frowning so I knew she would be pissed if i stayed whether or not she said I could. I said I would go so long as people didn't leave me alone and they didn't let me get lost in the crowd. As soon as we got out of the car guess what happened? I was left by the side of the road while they trotted on ahead. Dad came back and walked with me and told mom that she needed to slow down.

We eventually found a spot in the sand to set up our blankets and all the way there I was in full panic mode. I was hyperventilating, crying, and sweating, the WHOLE TIME! Mom just ignored me when I asked if we could stay near the edge and went on wading in to find us a spot. It was HORRIBLE! Then Mom started in on how proud she was of me and all that crap, gah! I am not going to do that again for a long while! I have to make my own decisions even if it is going to piss Mom off. We couldn't even see the real fireworks because of the fog!

Enough of that! I am doing better now and am trying to look ahead not back.

Oh, I also think I might start writing again. I have an idea for a story that I really think other people would enjoy. Now I just need to get myself to do the actual writing! UGH!

Interesting Insight

I was trolling the internet for inspiration and came across a reference to a Celtic Zodiac system. I checked it out and there are some faults with it. There are no written records of many pieces of it but basically they made it similar to other zodiac systems. I think it is pretty sweet.

My birthday is in late August so I fall in the Hazel category. It is split into two categories and I think I actually fall into the first one even though I was born in the second half of the sign. I was due two weeks before I was actually born so I wonder if that has something to do with it. There are others that I know that are in similar situation, they fit in a different sign or category than they are officially placed.

Once I started reading about this stuff my brain really got working. I had so many ideas. I have always had a fascination with tattoos and have really been thinking of incorporating some of the imagery from the Celtic system into my tattoos, when I get them. In my sign there is a Salmon and a Crane connection both of which I had actually thought about before. I definately think I want a celtic inspired tattoo, but I don't know exactly what yet. I have to get a big payday to afford any tattoos though :)

If you want to check out your Celtic Zodiac this is a pretty good site.

On and On...Going

This has been a great week on some levels. I am feeling good about myself more and more, even though the scale is being stubborn and not reflecting the changes I am noticing. Mostly my legs seem thinner and my belly is not quite as bulbous as it had been. I think some of the reason the scale isn't changing is that I don't really have good habits about when I measure my weight. I'm bad at schedules...

I do tend to go on carb binges and so far I've only done that a couple time since starting this whole South Beach thing. Last night included...Ooops. There were wheat thins in the house and I have no tool to say no to those. But I did well today and even went for a long hike. I took Gleep and we went for about 40-50mins up the Crown Zellerbach Trail. It follows an old logging/railroad bed up the Scappoose/Vernonia Hwy. It isn't officially open but many people use it and have used it for ages. It goes way up into the hills but it isn't very steep so it was great for us. I forgot to grab the pedometer so I have no idea the distance we walked but it was pretty considerable.

Oh and I have a great tip I heard from one of the salespeople at No Skinny, my new favorite clothes store. If you deal with chafing between the thighs or other places, a liberal application of baby oil really helps. I had no issues with that on my hike today.

I think that is about it for now...Yeah!

Cuddling with my boy

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Holding On

I refuse to go under. The last couple days I have felt like there was a tsunami coming and it definitely did. I ate out twice at restaurants I thought would work, but didn't, performed an a concert with a ginormous audience all without a huge breakdown. Dad switched spots with me so that I could sit by someone I know during our wait during the first half of the concert. He also held my hand and helped me sort of dash out of the emptying auditorium. That milling around and general chaos is not easy for me to handle.

I will also say that I am pissed that one of my favorite restaurants in St. Helens is not South Beach friendly. We went there as a family and there weren't any dressings or condiments I could make into a dressing on a salad. I could have don't some type of omelet but I am a hash brown junkie so it would have been difficult to turn that down. So I went with an asian chicken salad figuring I could handle a bit of a salad dressing no-no. It was HORRIBLE, the dressing was watery and flavorless, the grilled chicken I had requested instead of the breaded tenderloin was dry, and the lettuce was browning. They comped me something else, but by that time I was so pissed I just got a Cobb salad and said to heck with it. Pig n Pancake is also not that great although once I'm off phase one it will be alot better, they offer buckwheat pancakes and have a large variety of omelets. I think I will be eat many omelets when I'm out to eat.

Today I think the combination of all those things plus the lack of weightloss, and my inability to exercise hit me pretty hard. I felt like I was drowning all day. I wasnted to go for another hike today, even though it's cloudy, but the extreme chafing(chub-rub)on my inner thighs makes even walking around the house painful. I will be going shopping for better exercise clothes this week. I think that will make it better so that I can get hiking again, once I heal.

Thanks to all of those who are supporting me through all of this. I could not do it without you. THANK YOU!

Gleep during a really long walk

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New Technology

I have been going to therapy for my depression and anxiety and in the process have found out that I also have Attention Deficit Disorder(ADD). This wasn't something that I have ever considered even in the remote corners of my paranoid mind. So I did research...alot of research. I spoke to people and spoke to my family and others that know about mental health. There are many people who have ADD that lead great lives undiagnosed for ages. One person I spoke to was fifty when she had a melt-down similar to mine. She had raised two children, one with mental health problems, had a great career as a lawyer, and generally had a successful life. After her meltdown she had alot of issues with depression and anxiety and turned into a hermit until she could cope with her problems. She is now living a very successful life again. Hearing this, I am hopeful that I can deal with this. I'm just not sure how long it will take me to get under control. I'm just not sure how long it will take.

I asked my psychologist what my options were for treatment, and if there were options that we could pursue without pharmaceuticals. I don't really like taking them, but if I need to I will. I am already on an anti-depressant and I'm not sure that I want to add another drug to the mix. She suggested a few books that outlined dietary and herbal forms of treatment and then started talking about a really cool piece of technology.

She had gone to a seminar from a company called Allevia Health, Inc. They make an amazing product called Alpha-Stim. It is an electrical machine that you attach to your ears and it puts waves through your brain. It is amazing. It is FDA approved for depression anxiety and insomnia but there a a ton of studies going on with migraines, pain, and many brain disorders. There is a ton of information on their website.

My psychologist started talking about her experience with one and asked if I wanted to try it. I wore the machine for about half and hour during my session and I could tell there was a difference. I felt more relaxed, rational, and calm. In just that short amount of time. She gave me the company's name and website so I checked them out as soon as I got home yesterday and called my insurance company today. They cover it! Without much hassle too! So as soon as I can I will be getting my machine and stimulating my troubles away.

Seriously, if you have depression, anxiety, or insomnia, check it out!

A Fresh Start

Here I am victorious after a couple of days of crap. The diet has gone well so far, I have only had a bite of a carrot(on accident) and ate some fat free frozen yogurt at Costco. It had sugar in it, but it was infinitely better than the hot dogs or any other offering on the menu. Once I can have whole grains I would have the turkey wrap but...anywho.

The crap I speak of is of a personal sort. There has been a blowup coming of a grand sort between be and my former best friend. He hasn't acted as my best friend for some time. A couple months actually, but I was putting up with it. I figured that he was my only support through all of my issues.

It turns out that my anxiety is too big a deal for him to deal with and the tactics my psychologist and I are working on are to him, incorrect. This is bull shit. He may work in the mental health field but that does NOT make him right. I have a right to have my own journey and my own path without my best friend belittling me and putting down my effort.

I may not always be the most pleasant person to be around and owing to my anxiety and depression I'm complicated(not that I wasn't always) but recently it has been worse. I would have been in counseling at least a month earlier if it had not been for a broken promise from him. But this doesn't give him the right to tell my that I am doing this wrong. I am trying to hold myself together and hold my head high. It is really hard for me to do this. It doesn't make it any easier when the one person you thought would always be there turns his back on you and tells you it is your own fault.

I am done! I make my own rules and I can choose the people who support me. I know who they are now. in the last few days I have gotten more words of encouragement from complete strangers or people I haven't seen in over a year than I have from my best friend. I need a clean break and he isn't giving it to me. Every few hours he comes up with some other point to make and harasses me about it. Even though I have asked him to leave me alone unless he can be positive. It is over. I am through being belittled and chastised for a disease I am working on beating.

I have lost a pound in the last two days and I am feeling so good about myself. It was surprising to note that I was barely upset when all this went down after the initial blow up.

I am becoming stronger in mind spirit and body and I am strong enough to keep going.

And I will!

Turkey, ricotta, and tomato salad roll! Yum!

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My first scramble of my South Beach days

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My sweet Gleep!

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Constipation?

It turns out I suck at blogging...I think I already knew that. It also turns out that Maggie was not pregnant! She was constipated and had a cold... So we got her through the antibiotics and on a high fiber diet and sent her back to the Humane society. Now we are hoping they will send us a new cat. One that is actually pregnant! We loves kitties!

In pet related news I got myself a dog! He came with the name Benny but I wanted to give him a name that fit him and me better. His new name is Gleep! Named after the baby dragon from Robert Lynn Aspirin's Myth Adventures series. He is a three year old yorkshire terrier/ chihuahua mix and weighs about eight pounds. He is super sweet! He does have issues though...

His story is a sad one: He spent the first two years of his life outside on a chain. The lady I rescued him from found him at a vet and offered to foster him and find him a new home. He was emaciated and completely matted with nails so over-grown they were starting to grow into the bottom of his pads. He spent the first few months shaking.

He is sorta territorial and will lunge at Koko although he is mostly good with other dogs. He came to me housetrained and off leash trained. We just need to work on barking and obedience. He sits, some of the time, but not often. I will start blogging pictures soon.

I am also joining my brother and sister in law in a weight loss pact. I can't wait! I am ready to be smaller and healthier and I am sure that weighing less and being able to do things will make it easier to deal with my depression

Yea...I know

Hey! I'm still alive and kicking, well, maybe not kicking. I threw my back out lifting some laundry so I am taking everything slow and keeping kicking to a minimum. We have a foster kitty that we renamed Maggie, see post below. She is pregnant and should be popping about any moment. She recently started producing milk and you can feel that her abdomen in tight and can feel babies inside. Yay! we can't wait!

We think that she might be deaf. she doesn't react to sound but will startle if you all of a sudden come into view or if she notices you out of no where. She is a sweetheart and we are all enjoying having her here and helping her to get comfortable with people since she was a stray.

I am still looking for work and stuff but I'm doing a bit better on the anxiety front. Just a little but it makes a difference.

I will start blogging again. I'm cooking more and will be posting some of my recipes and various other things food, cat, and life related.

This is a test of the mobile blogging service

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How It Goes

*RANT ALERT*
I spend the next number of paragraphs venting and ranting and although I mean every word I may not have ever spoken them aloud and may never. But they needed to be out of my head. So here they landed. You have my permission to skip right past this if you wish and go about your day.


Started meds last Thursday and my Doctor said that I might start to feel the effects about now and I think I might have. According to Dad I kept my cool more than I have been able to in the past while arguing. I admit that I did, but I am not as quick to point the finger at my meds, I really want to be able to point the finger at myself. I hate that I have to have some pharmaceutical in my system for someone to recognize my control.

I have HAD to control my every action and reaction for years. Our family has been tap dancing around the fact that one of us is crazy and now it is catching. I have got it! I want to give it back! Maybe it should be ok for ME to be the problem for once. Maybe people shouldn't blame me because I am over sensitive, maybe some people could, I don't know, HELP me? Not, say "This is what always happens" or "Well they are having a hard time too" Really?! NO SHIT! But I have ALWAYS been the one to apologize first, the first one to take the first step toward reconciliation, the first one to reach out, and I am tired of it. Actually, I am just TIRED. Why should I make excuses for people who can't speak a civil word to me, or may hold a grudge because someone they care about threatened me and I have a problem with it? Don't I deserve protection? I'm done.

I'm not going to cut ties and shit like that, but people need to know that I am a human too. I cannot afford to be the one to end this right now. I have enough problems of my own to deal with to waste time on someone who is too immature to even consider that I might be falling apart.

I was also informed that SOMEONE believes that people have always had to tiptoe around me, that MY anger and MY lack of decency has negatively impacted ALL of my relationships and that I should be grateful for the ones that haven't disintegrated completely. Yeah, so the behavior that YOU see maybe would, but I can relax and be myself away from home so my friends know the real me and would freak out at the way that I behave here. They would also understand, because they believe that I can actually tell when someone is being unfair or unjust, they don't think that I am hallucinating or unable to tell what people are saying to me and what they mean by the words they are saying.

This nervy emotional wreck is NOT me! I am the one that everyone can count on to be there when the chips are down. I have helped too many friends through breakups and deaths and life for this to be me! I am tired of it...I just want to be back to the happy and caring me.

That is all for now,

Update

I am writing this blog to the soundtrack of Need For Speed Most Wanted and children giggling and playing in high pitched sounds. For those of my readers who I am NOT staying with, I am at my brother's house. My sister-in-law graciously invited me to stay with them to give me a chance to get my feet planted and have a break. It was something I very much needed.

This time away from home and school has been lovely and I have gotten to know my amazing sister-in-law sooo much better. I have always known that she is an amazing person but after spending almost two weeks with her I KNOW it. In speaking with her I have begun to think about my future in a different way. I can make my own choices and whatever choice I make I will have family and friends that will support me.

I am excited to announce that I will be joining the collaborative team on a new blog. It is a jump off from a Facebook group H.A.Ters. When things get cooking over there I will add it to my links and such, so keep an eye out.

By Request

So this blog has been percolating for about a month. Not necessarily in blog form but I figured since I was putting the time into it I may as well blog it. Also, I am procrastinating on packing I thought I would finish it. A friend of mine recently asked for my advise on what pet to get her daughter. I guess she thought I was the right person to ask because I love animals and children and spend enormous amounts of time on the internet...or something. Her daughter is almost eight, the family has never had a pet, they don't have a fenced backyard, and the dad is allergic to cats. with these facts in mind I began my search.

I love pets, if I could get away with living in a zoo I would. I think raising children to respect and admire animals is the way to go but safety needs to come first. Children cannot be held solely responsible for their pets, they are only children, but I believe it is important to give kids something to take care of, and a pet works wonderfully.

Here is a break down of my recommendations:

Fish: I love fish for kids, they are fun to watch and and based on the type need relatively little care. However based on the tank and type of fish the water needs to be changed and filters and tanks cleaned which is something that a child shouldn't and probably can't do on their own. Also children aren't able to exactly cuddle or interact with fish in the way they could with a dog.

My top recommendations for fish bearing in mind price and availability are bettas or goldfish. For more information about bettas visit thiswebsite. I would recommend keeping bettas in small tanks, not a vase or something like that unless you can keep the temperature warm, 75 degrees or above, as they tend to get sluggish or even ill if kept at lower temperatures. Although, if you keep your house warm enough it may work. Goldfish are my other recommendation. You can find some really good information on them here The temperature for gold fish isn't as important, but they are messy so they need about 10 gallons per fish you are planning on keeping. part of the water needs to be changed frequently but I haven't found it necessary to use some of the additives mentioned on the site. You can feed them flakes of any type of "goldfish food" it is also fun to put bits of other foods in the tank like frozen peas or other vegetables, they gobble it up!

Rodents: I personally don't know much about rodents but in doing my research I found that some rodents are better than others although kids need to be supervised with all animals. One that seems particularly good is the Guinea Pig. There are many different types of coats and colors. They have very specific dietary needs but once you get those correct they stay fairly healthy. For more information look here. Guinea pigs are recommended because children can handle them and they rarely bite, and they make cute noises and will learn to recognize you and whistle or talk to you when they hear you coming. Their cages need to be clean fairly frequently but it isn't very difficult. Rats are also a popular choice but they tend to be messy and can easily escape for a young child I don't recommend them. Hamsters are my other recommendation they are curious and active and fun to watch. for information on look here. The dwarf varieties are cute but as they are small they tend to be easily frightened and bite more frequently. There are plenty of cage option but things to bear in mind are ease of access, security (if a hamster can fit its head through it can escape), spaciousness, and ease of cleaning.

Who Knew?

I never thought I would be one of THOSE people. I have been pretending to have my shit together for way too long and it has finally caught up with me.

I quit school. Actually I just withdrew. I keep telling myself it is just for the term but I don't really know. I do know that I love school and I don't harbor resentments against anyone here but I have to leave.

I hide my panic and depression too well apparently but it has gotten to the point where it is clear on my face just how sad and overwhelmed I am. I went around and talked to most of my professors today and I was surprised my the support from a number of them. i expected they would tell me to get well or look at me like I crawled out from under a log...but I got hugs and encouragement from everyone I spoke too.

One in particular really touched me. Dr Micheal Burch-Pesses is the head of the music department and my advisor. He teaches band so I don't really get a lot of in-class exposure to him but he is impressed by my preparations for our meetings I generally come to him with a list of the classes I need to take just so that I make sure I won't forget them. He heard me sing solo for the first time at the end of last semester and I was incredibly honored by his feedback. This is a man who was the head of the Navy Band! He told me my control of pitch was incredible and that he couldn't wait to hear where the years would take me. He also gave my his personal card, not just the one with his email and school voice mail box number but one with his home number and told me that if I needed anything, anything at all, that I should call him. He also said something about getting me a music scholarship if and when I return. And followed it up with a huge hug and a handshake for my father.

Wow! it was a really rough day and now I have to pack and get ready to move back out of here with everything I own and move back home. This is going to be a hard road but I think I made the right decision. Three panic attacks in as many days is just not going to work for me.

Enough of that for now, I may or may not write about my journey on but I needed to put this out there.

And, check this out! Hilarious videos! I especially enjoy I Hate Drake, Stairway to Winnipeg, and Mortified: Bookworm.