Home

I have now had all of my classes once, except for my Intro to World Music class. I will have that one tomorrow morning. They all seem really interesting. I just got finished with my expository writing class. Our instructor has only taught one semester before this one so she is really new. But so far, I really like her. She had us do a free write, on the first day. I think it was about 10 minutes. It seemed alot shorter to me. I went into that place that I love to be in, where ideas flow right from the end of my pen onto the paper. In all it really makes no sense, but I really love my piece. The whole class has the theme of Home. Which, since I moved out on Saturday is a sensitive subject apparently. I was almost in tears. I am going to type out what I wrote, mostly just so that I can process it since I don't really know what I wrote yet so here goes. I solemnely swear that I will make no changes except for spelling from my handwritten version to what I am typing.

Home. Surrounded by family, warm comfortable and yet, so close we can
have stress. those sticky situations that closeness brings about make us
cohesive in the end. My home is a place of wonder, of searching and finding,
loss, love death life and kittens.

"Those who play together, stay together" so charades is important too!
That secret sister language so mystical to the outside world reflects a bond of
love so strong that distance age arguments time tears cannot sever.

We are tied together with ropes of Love. Home can be chosen or not. We
all NEED a home.

When the moon is full my home shines silver. The light making
everything perfect. Although the shadows are more ominous the threads of
silvered light keep us safe.

A wet tongue, a cuddle bug, my baby nephew needs a hug. We all share
something time DNA space, LOVE.

Space alone isn't home. Home is a feeling. That feeling resides in my
Daddy's arms, the warm blanket, the notes of a song. That music spreads through
my blood and breath creating a sacred place wherever I am. That sacred space is
home.

Music always at least in the background running through the day in
blended voices and rhythm. Home Home family Sesame Street Brahms Little Red
Ridinghood.

Home is in those moments tangled on the couch with a horror movie and
my sister. Homeis the cold nose that makes sure I am ok when I cry.

The scent of my mother's cooking, the feel of everything and
nothing
Home is nowhere, but it is a space if not tangible physical space but a
place of real serenity
The center. Surrounded by the world. The eye of the storm safe
protected by Love.

New Friends

I have just met my new roommate today. She seems pretty cool. I think we are going to get along fine. Her name is Jillian. Since we met this afternoon we have been talking about our pasts and families and just about everything. I am so glad that this looks like a good match. She is even a night person. YAY!!! She is introducing me to some of her friends and they all seem nice. We even watched The One. I haven't watched a movie with someone in far too long. Anyway, she's going to sleep so I will stop typing now. Bye!

Oh, and it snowed, here are the pics to prove it, and a gratuitous vanity shot.

My Dorm

Romance

So, I know this song(Stolen- Dashboard Confessional) has been getting completely over played on the radio. But I love it, and the video is just so romantic. Plus I love the TV show House and Olivia Wilde, who plays "Thirteen" is the older incarnation of the girl.

I know I have been going on and on about how I want to change my life and seeing a romantic film or even a music video make me want to get in gear and find someone, maybe not a forever someone, but some one who can love me NOW! Is that too much to ask?

Here's to hoping it isn't.

What a Coincidence

Today as I was logging onto my computer to check my email, I saw on my iGoogle homepage my horoscope for today. I have noticed that sometimes horoscopes can be eerily similar to what is actually occurring in my life. Today however, there is NO doubt in my mind that I am meant to be trying to heal at this point in my life. Rick Levine from Tarot.com had this to say about my life today:

"This is your Full Moon, increasing the magnitude of your emotions enough to complicate the day. It's difficult to hide your needs, for they -- along with your dreams -- are right on the surface now. But attempting to bury your feelings won't work. You'll be better off bringing them up to the surface and expressing your heart."

This is really freaking me out a bit as this is exactly what I am feeling at this moment. Here's hoping that I can stave off any more complications, I really just don't need those at this moment.

Oh, and I hate the cold! it was 17 degrees when my dad left this morning. And by the time I was eating lunch it was barely freezing yet. Yuck! So cold, and no snow. If anyone was looking to completely cheer me up beyond a doubt they would take me to the snow! SO far this winter I haven't even thrown one snowball that was larger than a ping-pong ball.

Feeling Good...Oh No

Yes, things are going great in my life. I have gotten into one of my favorite universities, and cast in a great role in a musical. But still, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been trying to come to terms with some of my past and move on, so that I can create a life for myself that is outside of my normal cell of security.

I know, all-in-all I haven't had that bad of a life. My parents love me, I have a great family, and apparently I shouldn't be as messed up as I am. But I am affected strongly by people's emotions. I have always reacted to how other people are feeling and I generally hold other people's pain inside me along with my own. This has led to some past pains appearing at awkward times. I think that during the time when the actual events occurred I was so focused on helping others that I didn't really get time to grieve and heal myself. And it turns out, the people I was trying to heal pretty much didn't even care. Thank You Very Much!

I am hoping to spend some time feeling my own feelings and healing from this pain. I just hope that I allow myself to actually do this. I am a bit afraid of opening those wounds again, they were painful enough the first time. Losing ones best friend is no easy thing.

Even as I am typing these words I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and my first instinct is to stop them from falling. I thought I had cried enough, but apparently not........Sorry I had to stop and feel that emotion. I have named it, which I never really had before now. Guilt. I won't go into detail, but I have always felt that if I had picked up the phone this would never have happened. I know, I can't know this, and I cannot ever say that MY actions could have changed anything, and really, it is too late now! It is just a hard thing to let go. I really wanted to help, and I didn't. I forgot.

Time to get back to my packing. Hopefully my new life can start now, with a clean slate.

A Crazy Week

Along with my entrance to Pacific. I have just been cast in Grease with Shoestring Community Players. I am Jan!! If you have seen the movie and need a recap she is the awkward one with the pigtails.

Well I have a list about four pages long of things I need to get together for my dorm room. I went shopping today and got a few things: an alarm clock, a first aid kit, laundry bag, and my Mom got me a set of dishes. I was a bit excited, although I wasn't planning on buying all of that. Just the first aid kit and the alarm clock.

I really want to get this done, I just want this over. Hopefully I can do this all.

My Goodness, I am a Boxer!

I found out that I will be attending Pacific University Within the next few weeks. Classes start on the 29th. I am sooo freaked. I just hope that everything goes smoothly. Well, wish me luck. I have to go back to stressing out!

Still Waiting...and Wishing

Well, as some readers may know this has been a very up and down time in my life. in love, and work and school and family...just everything was a bit crazy for me. I am hoping that certain things will settle down soon so that I can focus on just me and creating my own future. Hopefully this will include a some kind of relationship that maybe can be more than just online. I know, the online relationship I had was wonderful, but after a while it just isnt enough. I really just need an actually physical person. I think...
Still not sure of the whole "Operation Get Kim a Boyfriend" but I am trying to go along with it, and trying also to understand why I am so scared. I am hoping that a resolution to my fear can come soon. I hate being scared about real things. Take me to a scary movie, I love 'em, but actual life, eww!
I am still waiting to hear from Pacific. STILL!!! It had better be soon, that's all I have to say about that.
Oh, and in case readers from the past are wondering I am still writing poetry, just nothing I feel like sharing with you, at least not yet.

Winter and Worries

Well, I don't really know how to put my feelings in words, but I am so unsure of everything at this moment. I am waiting to hear from Pacific University to tell me if I am going to attend there later this month. I am not attending PCC anymore and I really am not keeping in touch with any of my old friends(they weren't really that close so it isn't really a big deal) but I really just have no idea of what is going on.

I am just kind of skating by at the moment. At work, they are training someone new so I don't have any hours, no exaggeration, I haven't worked since early December. So today I logged on to the Oregon employment website and used the iMatchskills tool to start my search for new job. Kinda scary, I hate the search for a new job. I will just have to buck up and do it though. Eww!

Well, wish me luck and hopefully I will have good news for ya'll soon.

A Musical Hug

I love this song! I heard it during a really sad time and it's just one of those songs that makes you feel better just by the lyrics. so here they are for your enjoyment! I also just love how the first part of the video is kinda in slow motion and builds to the live sequence. Anyways here are the lyrics:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Chunky Chocolate-Chip Bears

Here is the recipe for the chocolate chip cookies my niece and nephew made with me, they turned out awesome. Natalie said "These are the best cookies I ever had!" Elias just had huge eyes and made happy moaning sounds. This recipe came from a cook book that I got as a gift when I was young called "My First Cook Book" by Rena Coyle. So bear in mind that this recipe is meant for kids and adults to do together so the wording and directions are geared to the kids.

Chunky Chocolate Chip Bears
Preparation time: 30 Minutes
Baking Time: 10 Minutes

Ingredients:
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 Teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature
1/4 cup solid vegetable shortening
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
Utensils:
2 cookie sheets
Aluminum foil
Measuring cups
Measuring spoons
Medium size mixing bowl
Electric mixer
Rubber spatula
Teaspoon
Oven mitts
Spatula

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Line the cookie sheets with aluminum foil. (we didn't)
3. Place the flour and baking soda in the medium size bowl and mix it with the fork.
4. Place the butter, shortening, and granulated and brown sugars in the mixer bowl. Mixer for 2 minutes on medium speed. Turn the mixer off and, using the rubber spatula, clean the side of the bowl. Mix again until the sugar and butter are completely blended, about 2 more minutes.
5. Break the egg into the bowl and add the vanilla. Mix at medium speed for 1 minute. Turn the mixer off and scrape the side of the bowl clean.
6. Add about half the flour mixture and mix at low speed until blended. Add the remaining flour mixture and mix until blended again.
7. Add the chocolate chips and walnuts and mix at the lowest speed until they are scattered evenly throughout the dough.
8. To make the Teddy Bear shapes, scoop up a mound of dough with the teaspoon and drop it onto a cookie sheet. This dough will make the bear's body. Scoop up a small bit of dough on the tip of the spoon for the head and drop it above the body. Then place 4 small mounds next to the body for the arms and legs. Using your fingers, gently press the body flat and make sure the head and arms and legs are close to the body. Make more Teddy Bears about 2 inches apart on the cookie sheets.
9. Put the oven mitts on and place the cookie sheets in the oven. Bake until the edges of the cookies begin to turn brown, 10 to 12 minutes.
10. Put the oven mitts on and remove the cookie sheets from the oven to a heatproof surface. Let the cookies cool completely. Gently remove the cookies with the metal spatula.
11. Enjoy!

Christmas and other Shenanigans

This Christmas was a good one in this home, we spent a lot of time with our family and managed to eke out a few good Christmas gifts to each other. By far, the coolest gift was the geckos, however I am the proud owner if a sweet digital camera, which I have been using all the time since I got it.

For New Years as usual our family decided to go to the beach so we were camping in our trailer at Pacific City Thousand Trails Campground. My brother and his kids joined us for New Years Eve and we have the kids staying with us this week. So far it has gone very smoothly no doubt in part due to some advance planning and the fact that they are truely great kids, even a lady at a restaurant said so, she even thought they were my kids. I would be proud to say that they were mine but, obviously not.

We had our own New Year's Eve party in the Trailer. No alcohol was involved, just good clean fun.




And we had Christmas(late) with Great Granny, it was a bit boring so we had fun taking pictures and reading.


Today we made cookies and I will post the pictures and the recipe in my next posting. I plan to start posting awesome recipes I have tried here in the future, I already have some planned. Look for them soon!

Ta ta for now...