Thoughts on a Potential New Endeavor

So...here's the scoop. Recently a group called 4k for Cancer (check them out here) rode through town. A group of around 30 college aged heroes cycling from Baltimore to Portland for cancer. Wow. Roughly 4000 miles in 70 days. The riders that participate have to raise a minimum for $4500 to ride.

I WANT TO DO THIS!

No really.

I have been thinking about this since I heard about it. I didn't actually get to meet the riders but heard about it from my parents who were both tearing up just talking about it. My mom is a breast cancer survivor and my uncle(Dad's brother) just died from cancer.

The riders talk to people and write names of people, survivors or victims, on their calves so the riders behind them can keep those people in their thoughts. Both Mom and Marty's names graced multiple legs as they took their last ride from St. Helens to Portland.

I have been reading and reading and thinking and praying and asking myself if I am crazy for wanting to do this. These are some of the positives and negatives for doing it:

#1. I am fat. Let's just call a spade a spade. I am not only fat but out of shape. I have 8 or 9 months to prepare...I don't know if I will physically able to do it.

#2. I want to do something big like this. I think it would be a lovely story to tell my grandchildren someday. The story of a girl who took a huge risk and tried to make a difference in this world and in herself. This would be an incredible journey of self discovery.

#3. Money! That $4500 seems huge! I'm sure that people will want to help but it just seems so big.

#4. Time. I have a full time job and am planning on going back to school soon. Will my job just let me go for over 70 days? Will I have to quit and stress about finding a job again when I come back?

#5. Fitness! I think that training for this ride will be great and maybe the emotional and social impact of the cancer activism nature of it will keep me motivated.

#6. Cycling...I don't think I have ever been much of a natural at riding a bike. I went on some spectacular falls as a child. I did read that most of the riders started out with little to no cycling experience though.

#7. I am kind of shy and self conscious and would be with around 30 strangers for 70 days. I worry that I won't make friends or feel comfortable around the people in my group.

#8. Gleep! What will I do with my poor pooch? I don't think he would enjoy riding across the country in his bag on my back.

#9. Something about this is calling to me. I have felt drawn to it since I heard about it.

#10. How many people can say they rode a bike across the country let alone for an amazing cause that it so close to so many people?

I think I have come to the decision to apply and then see what happens after that. They start accepting applications September 1st so I have a few more days to chicken out. I tweeted about it and 3 riders have already started encouraging me to do it. I don't know though. I can't seem to sort out the self doubt and logical reasoning. Let me know your thoughts and who knows, in a few months I could be hitting you up for donations.

PS I know the ride from Baltimore to Portland went through Ohio and stopped in Dayton and had a free day in Cleveland. Just saying *cough cough Ken and Allison *cough cough

Reflections

I thought that since my brother, Ken, his wonderful wife, Allison, and my awesome niece and nephew are moving halfway across the country I would make sure everyone knows how awesome they are. I don't know that I could ask for better family members and stronger support. I will forever be filled with love for there amazing human beings.

I'll start with my brother(chronologically it makes sense): from the moment I can remember we were close. He would take care of me and teach my funny things to say in my high pitched voice. I was just reminded that he used me in some of his videos he made in high school, I was under the age of three at the time. I was heart broken when he left for the Navy. I cried and cried and cried. A few nights when I knew he would be home the next day I was so excited I made myself sick. I actually vomited I was so happy to be seeing him. I always know that I can count on him for anything and that he will always support me in any of my choice. He is a bit of a center of calm and reason in the midst of a crazy family.

Things I learned from my brother: Micheal Jordan, algebra (at age 7), how to use gears and hand brakes on a bicycle, how to count out binary on my hands, how to...acquire music.

I have the best sister-in-law on the planet! Allison was a great addition to the family(good job, Ken!). As soon as I met her I knew I liked her, the fact that I was dressed as a clown didn't even phase her. I have found through the years that I have another sister not just a sister-in-law. We are capable of talking and talking the day and the planet's problems away. She is a truly beautiful person inside and out, I know it wounds cheesy but it is true. I look at her and I see her following her dreams and succeeding and can't help but look up to her.

Think I learned from Allison: I do not have the corner on crazy families, I don't have to hide my opinions to have people love me, I am a good person, follow your passion, the wonder of pedicures!

I have to stop for now...I can barely see. I will continue my reminiscing at a later time.

Ohio, you are getting some amazing people. I hope you realize how lucky you are

So This is Real Life?

I have only one piece of news to share, I have less than 30 days to find a job and a place to live.

The situation this came from is ridiculous and idiotic and immature and delusional, but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to move on. Our house has been a stressful place for quite a while. My mother is not an easy woman to live with, she needs to have control of everything and her nose in everyone's business.

Last summer my sister's fiance moved in. I am just going to say that he isn't the easiest person for me to handle and not at all the type of guy I would want my sister to date. He has three children by three different ladies and is going through some problems with the law which is why he is living with us. Before he moved in with us I was a nervous person but living with someone with his type of temper is not easy for me. I am constantly scared that my actions will cause him to start slamming things around and yelling. It has happened. I left a plate on the counter and he slammed around the house for 15 minutes yelling about the "fucking lazy ass who can't clean up after their slob ass..." and on and on.

Anyway, I the argument in question occurred during a family dinner that I prepared. I was frustrated at how it was coming out and was kind of snapping at people. Nothing different than anyone in this household has done many many times. He bursts out with "Why the fuck can't we just eat in fucking peace for once?" So I get up from the table and leave(I have learned that avoidance is safer for me). I realize that I worked my ass off cooking dinner, (which tasted great but looked horrible)and deserved to be able to eat it. So I went back to the table. I took responsibility for my temper but I would not apologize to him for saying that. It just dissolved into me leaving again, and mom saying if I didn't eat now then she would just throw it away. I was too upset to eat by that time anyway.  My parents came into my room and basically let me have it, screaming and blaming and name calling and the whole shebang. Mom then said that since I can't get along with the family and cause all the stress that I have 30 days to get out. Actually she said that I just needed to leave, then said that I have 30 days. They left and I freaked out alone for a while.

Then my mom started her standard turn the stupid and mean things she says into a positive routine, or what I like to call COMPLETE BULLSHIT! She wanted to make it seem like she made a rational decision to get me to move on because she thought it would be better for me. I think it will be, and I was planning to, as soon as I can find a job that would support me in my own space. 30 days is kind of unreasonable but I have a feeling that if I make a real effort they will stretch the time. Otherwise I will be living in a shelter. At this point even that would be preferable to here.

I can't wait to have my own space where I can feel safe and like I am actually doing something. I would just like to feel that my family actually cares. I am fighting down this pathetic Kim voice telling me that if my own family doesn't love me and think I am capable how will anyone else? and listing all the various negatives about me that would lead them to prefer Joe to me.

My parents have said over and over that they are trying to create a safe loving environment so that if something happens for my sister she will feel comfortable coming home. Where is my love and safety? why does a maniac get to poison my home and force me out. I don't even feel like part of the family anymore, I am just a handy scapegoat for everyone else's problems. I guess I am an easy target since I am sensitive and empathetic and actually care how my actions impact others

Fuck it! and screw them.

If I have to bow and scrape to my own family, I don't want it. I will start my own life and leave all this shit behind. I can do it, I know I can. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am a good person and worth something and I can't let them rob me of that.

Clayton and I freezing while waiting to see Owl City

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Kim Blogs Books Ep 1

I have been thinking of ideas that may help me with my lack of regular blogs. One is to kind of review books that I am reading. Maybe not give a full on book report but just let my few readers know my ideas about the numerous books I am reading. My ideas may not be what I would call informed or intelligent, just my thoughts on what came across the page. I got the idea today during my near weekly trip to the library.

So here is my first edition of Kim Blogs Books:

I have recently been introduced to Graphic Novels. There are a number of them that I considered for my first review but I decided to go with the first graphic novel I ever read, Watchmen. I would have to say that this was a great introduction to the genre. I had heard wild tales about how great it was and had a chance to preview it on a long bus ride with the Pacific University Chamber Singer.

We probably made it through the first few chapters including the sections that are purely text. Shane and I were using our best superhero voices while reading it aloud to each other. We barely lifted our eyes off the page to wipe the laugh-tears out of the way. Not that I am saying it was funny, it was just hilarious to hear Rorschach's voice come out of a sweetly flambouyant member of my own personal "Gay Pride."

I love the artwork of Graphic Novels and Watchmen is no different. I love the tight close ups and grand panoramic views. It really helps me to get a feel for the environment.

One of my favorite parts is watching the interplay between the newspaper salesman and the young boy from the neighborhood. It is a nice "normal" interaction in a strange world. It kept people human for me. It was easier to remember that even the costumed superheroes are just people dressed up. I really appreciate that departure from the regular Superman type superheroes. Guys with ginormous muscles and superpowers from birth, mutation, or otherwise. These heroes are just people who wanted to make a difference somehow and dressed up to do it. They get old and retire, forcibly or otherwise, they lead normal lives, some of the time, and have mommy issues just like the rest of us.

Everything taken into consideration Watchmen was a perfect introduction to the genre for me and I can't say that it started badly. I give it a B+


So there was my first book review. Let me know what you think. I will always take suggestion of new books to read. I will read almost anything...pretty much.

COMING SOON: Neil Gaiman's Sandman series, Kingdom Come, various books by Lynn Flewelling and many many more!!!!! Stay tuned!

Things I Have Learned

I have learned that I really dislike violence
There are tastes I do not enjoy
I have learned that as wacky as my family is...
well I fit it
I have learned that anger frightens me, especially in myself.
I will stay up all night with a good book.
I have learned that I am stronger than I thought and weaker than I would have hoped.
I have never been so alone and yet not lonely
I tried to teach myself organization but I lost myself along the way.
I have finally learned that I am a good person
I am just waiting to learn that I am good enough
I learned about waiting
I forgot about pain, then remember as I tumbled down again
I learned that tomorrow is another day and that each day is its own beginning
and cheesy as it sounds I have learned that in each beginning, an end, and each end, a beginning.
I have yet to learn what is around each corner or where my road will take me
I just know that I have finally learned to live within my own skin
I don't have to like it, I don't need to be happy, I just need to take it all as it comes.
I have no faith in the outcome or concrete goal to attain, I just know my path will lead where it will
No step is wrong, no stop is the end. My heart will take me to where I am meant to be.
I have learned some of the best encouragement comes from "strangers" on the internet.
I have learned that those closest to you can do the most damage.
I have learned I must stand on my own
I am still learning not to cling to the ones I love
I have learned about death and life
I have learned about fear
But I have learned that I can't let fear stop my voice
I have mostly learned that I will never know enough.

Oh, Yes I Did!

I have a bit of a rant so I thought I would just get it out here.

I am an adult, yes I am. I may live with my parents at this time but I am 22 freaking years old. I got my ass most of the way through college without one bad grade or problem. I did have to come home, but you know what? I feel better than I have ever in my life.

I feel that I have worth and that I am a good person. In fact I KNOW I am a good person. I have never smoked anything, never done any drugs of any sort, never contracted an STD, never cheated on a boyfriend. Lets see, I have never caused a car accident, I stand up for the underdog, I strive for equality, and I generally practice what I preach. In fact the person that I have treated the worst over the years has been me.

I do have a drink every once in a while. In fact this week I have had drinks with my best friend at his apartment with no plans to drive twice. Neither of us were remotely drunk or anything. We made cosmos and watched stand up comedy or sat around chatting. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact we were being responsible.

However it has gotten back to my parents that I drink alot. Obviously, I don't. This week is pretty much the only time I have really had alcohol more than one night.

The hardest part about this is that I find myself at odds with my little sister. I have always felt tremendous love for her and have frequently out myself in harms way for her. Whether it was taking a few punches or taking responsibility for a common prank with our parent. She was the one to pass on the word that I drink, not to mention my own words and those of others about how ridiculous they were being about my so called drinking problem. Not to mention that we were discussing it over twitter. Neither of my parent have or want twitter, they don't even understand it!

IDIOT. I think she may have just burned her last bridge to me. I have spent the last six months feeling like the outsider in my own home because of her enabling her fiances rudeness. I live here. These are my parent. Stop trying to cause drama and create issues. I know that your situation isn't what you would like it to be but that is NO reason to put me in their cross-hairs. This is the last thing they should be worrying about.

So wish me luck in my search for a full time job and my own place. I can and will stand on my own without people pulling me down and throwing me under the bus.

A New Direction

In the last few weeks I have had a couple really interesting experiences and I am reminded more and more that life is a journey. Since all my friends are back in school and I here about it just by logging into Facebook I could really avoid the depression and sense that I had lost my way. I didn't realize just how much that was impacting my mental state until I went on a little journey.

I joined the young adults group at my parents church, partly to keep said parents happy and partly to increase my social quotient. I haven't been getting out much lately. Basically it is a small group of people(4) out of high school but not settled down yet. My friend Marsea is part of the group, we graduated together and have always got along. She was with me when I went to my first straight bar!

We have only met a few times and our last meeting was an outing to go for a walk in a labyrinth. We drove out the Gorge not too far from Vista House to Presbyterian retreat center called Menucha that is on a gorgeous bit of property donated by the Meier part of Meier and Frank. It is in a forested area and there are gardens and paths and plenty outdoor activities including a pool overlooking the river.

I don't know if everyone will know what a Labyrinth is but it is kind of a maze that you can't get lost in. You follow the path as it moves back and forth and around until you reach the center. Many ancient cultures used specific patterns of them as decoration as well as the real ones.

We walked quietly surrounded by nature and peace and meditated on whatever needed to be meditated on. I just walked and let my mind go to the place it does when I free-write. Countless thoughts ran through my head but the overwhelming majority lead me to feel a sense of peace. I could use the labyrinth to echo my life. I may not be going in the direction I think I should be going but if I keep going I will end up where I am meant to. It might look like I'm never going to get there but unexpectedly I will reach the center.

I think it was also a metaphor for my mental state. I have been dealing with alot of issues mentally including a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I could see that my thoughts and emotions swirl around and take me in many different directions up and down, happy, sad. Even the problems with attention keep me from going straight to the center of what I need to do. Yet, somehow I ended up in the middle eventually with a calm center and less guilt.

This is a hint of blogs to come

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Koko...I Miss You!

So just to give readers a chance to leave the page this post is probably going to be depressing and possibly disturbing. Disturbing mostly to animal lovers. I give you my permission to turn away and find something happier to read.

Today we took Koko, a 14 year old shar-pei to the veterinarian to be euthanized. She has been with us for about 11 1/2 years. She was the funniest thing you ever saw with wrinkles and and squishy smoochie face. She loved to run around the back yard and bark at the cars going by. I always felt safe while walking with her, she took on a pair of ginormous rotties once. She wasn't always the most obedient but she wasn't bad. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. Catlike I guess. But she was so sweet.

In the last year she has been getting senile and sometimes confused. Her health stayed good but in the last couple months was deteriorating. She started eating less and losing weight. When we took her to the vet they couldn't find anything wrong. She just declined more and more. She didn't eat for about a week. So we made the decision to put her out of pain and let her go.

Here comes the more disgusting part.

I had to lift her frail body into and out of the car. She walked into the exam room and we got her to lay on the blanket spread out on the floor. Over the last few months she had lost about 15 pounds and looked slightly skeletal. I cried just looking at her.

The vet came in and explained what was supposed to happen but didn't. She tried both front legs but Koko's blood pressure was so low that the injection wouldn't go in. An assistant was brought in and they tried one back leg. All through this Becca and I were holding her and trying to let her know it would be ok. She just kept struggling. She never liked having her feet handled. Finally the last leg was tried. The needle was yet again forced under her skin and into her vein. She cried and cried the whole time the needle was in.

Her heart stopped within 30 seconds.

We sat there surrounding our beloved pet sobbing. We tried to find and give solace at the same time without success. There were barely any spasms after she passed. Less than I thought actually. Only her lip twitched in memory of life. Her body cooled quickly, and color left her lips.

I think I will need to purge this from my mind for a while before I can think about it without crying.

I just wish she hadn't died crying. The whole point of this was to end her life before it got any worse.


Goodbye Koko, Rest in Peace and give 'em Hell in Heaven. I'll miss you smoochie face

Longest Blog Ever!

I just weighed myself and I have now lost 5 pounds since starting the South Beach Diet. I think I could be doing better if I could just get off my ass and start walking. It is really difficult for me, but I have been doing better, any progress is better than none.

I should be getting my CES machine this week and I can't wait to start giving it a shot! I can't remember if I let it out that I have ADD. I was just diagnosed with it in the last month. I have been reading about it and trying to decide how I feel about it and I have decided that I can't let it stop me. I just need to find different ways of coping than I have been using before. Time for some hard work! I have also decided that I want to do as much of this without drugs as I can. I met with my doctor and she agrees. She is against starting adults on stimulants without serious thought or discussion, because there is such a risk of addiction. That, and there isn't a whole lot of research on what ritalin and adderol do in the adult brain, at least not as much as in children.

I have been trying to reach out to a few people I haven't spoken to in a while to see if they want to start walking with me. It has been really hard but I just need to make a new support group for myself. I don't need toxic influences on my life and that is what I had before. I didn't even know it! Now I do and I am NOT going to let that happen to me again.

This weekend was really interesting for me. We went to the coast and one of my sister's friends came along with us. I had a really hard time with the stress and the people. I wanted to come home partway into the first day! Dad decided he wouldn't let me run and so I had to deal. I did. Mostly. The Fourth was the worst and the best. We spent the morning hanging out in the campground then we headed out to visit family. Two groups of our family were at the coast as well. It was great to see them! I LOVE my family and they are such a great support for and I did well with the groups even though there were a couple strangers at one house we went to.

Later that night is when things got hairy. Mom dragged us down on the beach to watch the fireworks. It was seriously NUTS! There were a ton of people drinking yelling and setting off fireworks. I had asked to stay in the trailer, but Mom started sighing and frowning so I knew she would be pissed if i stayed whether or not she said I could. I said I would go so long as people didn't leave me alone and they didn't let me get lost in the crowd. As soon as we got out of the car guess what happened? I was left by the side of the road while they trotted on ahead. Dad came back and walked with me and told mom that she needed to slow down.

We eventually found a spot in the sand to set up our blankets and all the way there I was in full panic mode. I was hyperventilating, crying, and sweating, the WHOLE TIME! Mom just ignored me when I asked if we could stay near the edge and went on wading in to find us a spot. It was HORRIBLE! Then Mom started in on how proud she was of me and all that crap, gah! I am not going to do that again for a long while! I have to make my own decisions even if it is going to piss Mom off. We couldn't even see the real fireworks because of the fog!

Enough of that! I am doing better now and am trying to look ahead not back.

Oh, I also think I might start writing again. I have an idea for a story that I really think other people would enjoy. Now I just need to get myself to do the actual writing! UGH!

Interesting Insight

I was trolling the internet for inspiration and came across a reference to a Celtic Zodiac system. I checked it out and there are some faults with it. There are no written records of many pieces of it but basically they made it similar to other zodiac systems. I think it is pretty sweet.

My birthday is in late August so I fall in the Hazel category. It is split into two categories and I think I actually fall into the first one even though I was born in the second half of the sign. I was due two weeks before I was actually born so I wonder if that has something to do with it. There are others that I know that are in similar situation, they fit in a different sign or category than they are officially placed.

Once I started reading about this stuff my brain really got working. I had so many ideas. I have always had a fascination with tattoos and have really been thinking of incorporating some of the imagery from the Celtic system into my tattoos, when I get them. In my sign there is a Salmon and a Crane connection both of which I had actually thought about before. I definately think I want a celtic inspired tattoo, but I don't know exactly what yet. I have to get a big payday to afford any tattoos though :)

If you want to check out your Celtic Zodiac this is a pretty good site.

On and On...Going

This has been a great week on some levels. I am feeling good about myself more and more, even though the scale is being stubborn and not reflecting the changes I am noticing. Mostly my legs seem thinner and my belly is not quite as bulbous as it had been. I think some of the reason the scale isn't changing is that I don't really have good habits about when I measure my weight. I'm bad at schedules...

I do tend to go on carb binges and so far I've only done that a couple time since starting this whole South Beach thing. Last night included...Ooops. There were wheat thins in the house and I have no tool to say no to those. But I did well today and even went for a long hike. I took Gleep and we went for about 40-50mins up the Crown Zellerbach Trail. It follows an old logging/railroad bed up the Scappoose/Vernonia Hwy. It isn't officially open but many people use it and have used it for ages. It goes way up into the hills but it isn't very steep so it was great for us. I forgot to grab the pedometer so I have no idea the distance we walked but it was pretty considerable.

Oh and I have a great tip I heard from one of the salespeople at No Skinny, my new favorite clothes store. If you deal with chafing between the thighs or other places, a liberal application of baby oil really helps. I had no issues with that on my hike today.

I think that is about it for now...Yeah!

Cuddling with my boy

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Holding On

I refuse to go under. The last couple days I have felt like there was a tsunami coming and it definitely did. I ate out twice at restaurants I thought would work, but didn't, performed an a concert with a ginormous audience all without a huge breakdown. Dad switched spots with me so that I could sit by someone I know during our wait during the first half of the concert. He also held my hand and helped me sort of dash out of the emptying auditorium. That milling around and general chaos is not easy for me to handle.

I will also say that I am pissed that one of my favorite restaurants in St. Helens is not South Beach friendly. We went there as a family and there weren't any dressings or condiments I could make into a dressing on a salad. I could have don't some type of omelet but I am a hash brown junkie so it would have been difficult to turn that down. So I went with an asian chicken salad figuring I could handle a bit of a salad dressing no-no. It was HORRIBLE, the dressing was watery and flavorless, the grilled chicken I had requested instead of the breaded tenderloin was dry, and the lettuce was browning. They comped me something else, but by that time I was so pissed I just got a Cobb salad and said to heck with it. Pig n Pancake is also not that great although once I'm off phase one it will be alot better, they offer buckwheat pancakes and have a large variety of omelets. I think I will be eat many omelets when I'm out to eat.

Today I think the combination of all those things plus the lack of weightloss, and my inability to exercise hit me pretty hard. I felt like I was drowning all day. I wasnted to go for another hike today, even though it's cloudy, but the extreme chafing(chub-rub)on my inner thighs makes even walking around the house painful. I will be going shopping for better exercise clothes this week. I think that will make it better so that I can get hiking again, once I heal.

Thanks to all of those who are supporting me through all of this. I could not do it without you. THANK YOU!

Gleep during a really long walk

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New Technology

I have been going to therapy for my depression and anxiety and in the process have found out that I also have Attention Deficit Disorder(ADD). This wasn't something that I have ever considered even in the remote corners of my paranoid mind. So I did research...alot of research. I spoke to people and spoke to my family and others that know about mental health. There are many people who have ADD that lead great lives undiagnosed for ages. One person I spoke to was fifty when she had a melt-down similar to mine. She had raised two children, one with mental health problems, had a great career as a lawyer, and generally had a successful life. After her meltdown she had alot of issues with depression and anxiety and turned into a hermit until she could cope with her problems. She is now living a very successful life again. Hearing this, I am hopeful that I can deal with this. I'm just not sure how long it will take me to get under control. I'm just not sure how long it will take.

I asked my psychologist what my options were for treatment, and if there were options that we could pursue without pharmaceuticals. I don't really like taking them, but if I need to I will. I am already on an anti-depressant and I'm not sure that I want to add another drug to the mix. She suggested a few books that outlined dietary and herbal forms of treatment and then started talking about a really cool piece of technology.

She had gone to a seminar from a company called Allevia Health, Inc. They make an amazing product called Alpha-Stim. It is an electrical machine that you attach to your ears and it puts waves through your brain. It is amazing. It is FDA approved for depression anxiety and insomnia but there a a ton of studies going on with migraines, pain, and many brain disorders. There is a ton of information on their website.

My psychologist started talking about her experience with one and asked if I wanted to try it. I wore the machine for about half and hour during my session and I could tell there was a difference. I felt more relaxed, rational, and calm. In just that short amount of time. She gave me the company's name and website so I checked them out as soon as I got home yesterday and called my insurance company today. They cover it! Without much hassle too! So as soon as I can I will be getting my machine and stimulating my troubles away.

Seriously, if you have depression, anxiety, or insomnia, check it out!

A Fresh Start

Here I am victorious after a couple of days of crap. The diet has gone well so far, I have only had a bite of a carrot(on accident) and ate some fat free frozen yogurt at Costco. It had sugar in it, but it was infinitely better than the hot dogs or any other offering on the menu. Once I can have whole grains I would have the turkey wrap but...anywho.

The crap I speak of is of a personal sort. There has been a blowup coming of a grand sort between be and my former best friend. He hasn't acted as my best friend for some time. A couple months actually, but I was putting up with it. I figured that he was my only support through all of my issues.

It turns out that my anxiety is too big a deal for him to deal with and the tactics my psychologist and I are working on are to him, incorrect. This is bull shit. He may work in the mental health field but that does NOT make him right. I have a right to have my own journey and my own path without my best friend belittling me and putting down my effort.

I may not always be the most pleasant person to be around and owing to my anxiety and depression I'm complicated(not that I wasn't always) but recently it has been worse. I would have been in counseling at least a month earlier if it had not been for a broken promise from him. But this doesn't give him the right to tell my that I am doing this wrong. I am trying to hold myself together and hold my head high. It is really hard for me to do this. It doesn't make it any easier when the one person you thought would always be there turns his back on you and tells you it is your own fault.

I am done! I make my own rules and I can choose the people who support me. I know who they are now. in the last few days I have gotten more words of encouragement from complete strangers or people I haven't seen in over a year than I have from my best friend. I need a clean break and he isn't giving it to me. Every few hours he comes up with some other point to make and harasses me about it. Even though I have asked him to leave me alone unless he can be positive. It is over. I am through being belittled and chastised for a disease I am working on beating.

I have lost a pound in the last two days and I am feeling so good about myself. It was surprising to note that I was barely upset when all this went down after the initial blow up.

I am becoming stronger in mind spirit and body and I am strong enough to keep going.

And I will!

Turkey, ricotta, and tomato salad roll! Yum!

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My first scramble of my South Beach days

This message was sent using the Picture and Video Messaging service from Verizon Wireless!

To learn how you can snap pictures and capture videos with your wireless phone visit www.verizonwireless.com/picture.

Note: To play video messages sent to email, QuickTime� 6.5 or higher is required.