Long wait- Sorry

Well, having finished my finals and all that, I am much relieved. I thought that this week would be boring since I haven't been called in to work and I don't have school, and there were no trials this week. So, I thought I could watch TV, sit on the couch and sleep. So far, I have gotten to do some of that, but I have also spent an immense amount of time hanging with a friend I haven't seen for a couple years.

He and I used to walk our dogs together everyday in middle school and would hang out at the Humane Society and generally were joined at the hip throughout 8th grade. In high school we were still friends freshman year and I dragged him and his huge dog Tank into the production of "a Midsummer Nights Dream" After that we sorta drifted apart, we were always friendly just we didn't hang out like we had used to. Part of it I think was due to the fact that our family moved to the other side of town and we could no longer walk a few blocks to the others house. but, honestly we never got in a huge fight to break up our friendship, and I always could talk to him. But now that he is back from his mission trip we have hung out a lot. NO, we are not dating. We are just friends. By the way, I am not high in this picture, this is Tank you really don't get the full affect of his size here but, as the name implies is huge.

Sunday night he and I went bowling in Portland then walked around Downtown(I froze my but off) and then ate at Denny's, I don't think we got home until after midnight. Then the last few days we have been watching the second season of Heroes. We went shopping and I met some of his family, awkward!

But seriously, I have been getting the stink eye from my parents like we are dating or something. Not! Just friends, not sure if a certain someone is going to read this, but sorry if I hurt you...I just need more than you can give me right now and it's killing me to keep trying, so maybe we should just take a break.

Welcome to the Family

No, I don't live in a zoo, we just happen to love animals. We have just added two new additions to out family, Leopard Geckos named Buttercup and Wesley. If I need to tell you where we got those names you really need to watch classic movies more often. The girl, (Buttercup, obviously)is "normal colored" she is kind of a tan color with brownish-black spots. Wesley, the boy, is a partial albino, I can't remember the term for that, but the background is alternating yellow and darker yellow stripes about an inch wide, with tan-ish spots, the spots on his head connect in these weird swirls. He doesn't have those creepy red albino eyes though, so that is good.

They are an early christmas present for my sister. I found them on craiglist and went to pick them up on tuesday. I am glad to say that she loves them, I do too. These are our families first reptiles since we summer sat the class box turtle from out mom's class at school. These guys are awesome, and hopefully they will be with us for quite a while

The Gossip - standing in the way of control

Prince Caspian!

I love the Chronicles of Narnia books, and I must say that although the file Lion WItch and the Wardrobe could have been better, I wasn't all that dissapointed with it. I thought some of the costumeing choices were odd in the case of the witch. But I understand that it is someone's vision of her.

The reason some people didn't like it is that it doesn't really showcase the entire book, but I can understand that the book has alot of stuff that happens in it. And from my recollection, Prince Caspian seems bit more like a movie than an epic. But here we go!

"Between Iraq and A Hard Place"

No, I am not going into a semi political diatribe about bush and the dumb war in Iraq, I am merely quoting my understanding of what my History of the Middle East instructor said in class today. That isn't what he said but because my ears were ready to hear Iraq my brain interpreted the old adage between a rock and a hard place as Iraq, and oddly I find it apropos. That is the situation we are in and hopefully, my friends and all the other soldiers who are in Iraq right now will come home soon.

On a slightly sillier note I found this little quizzy thingy and just thought I would post it.

You Will Be an Unconventional Bride!

You're probably the type of girl who never considered getting married - until you met *him* You're not a big fan of white dresses, church weddings, or cheesy DJ's That's okay - you'll do it your way... whether that means a Vegas wedding or guys as bridesmen While you may not toss the bouquet (or have anyone to toss it to), it will still be the most romantic day of your life!

What Kind of Bride Will You Be?

Babies and Dreams

So, I went to a friends baby shower this weekend. I was really excited since: #1 I am a human of the female persuasion, #2 I have not seen this friend except for a brief chat after Beauty and the Beast this summer, #3 I have never been to a baby shower before. So this last week I set about the search for the perfect present. This included grand ideas of knitting, crocheting, and vast piles of money. None of which turned out to just appear. So, I turned to my life to look for inspiration. I checked out the things the kids at the daycare love and things that my niece and nephew have loved.

I ended up making this really cool blanket made out of polar fleece. It was tied all around the edges and blue camouflage on one side and navy blue on the other(the baby is a boy). I almost wanted to keep it for myself. You can find directions to make your own here.

I will take this time to address one issue. As I have grown up I have always said that I wasn't sure if I really wanted kids, as I don't want to be the parent my mother was, and is. I look at many of my friends who have kids or are getting married and I wonder what they are thinking. We are only 20 or 21 and they are starting families.

Although I admire them greatly and some of them seem genuinely ready for kids. I however want to wait until I am finished with school, in a stable relationship, and emotionally ready to have a child. Only then will I think about it. I just don't want to be as brittle as my own mother. I want to make my child feel good about them self and feel that they are worthy and ready for anything.

Enough of that, I will admit to getting that soft longing feeling when I see small children and pregnant women, and weddings...and other female things.

Migraines and Midterms

Really, I am not fixated on midterms, it just happens to be that it what is going on on my life. Today was about the easiet midterm I have ever taken. I was the first one done and I finished in about 30-40 minutes (I can't remember when the instructor stopped talking). Yay finally done with round one of exams, but that doesnt guarentee me a break from studying since in my Anthropology classe we are having 2 midterms and a final and that midterm is tomorrow! Good thing I know have been keeping up on my reading.

NOw to get to the migraine part of this blog. I think I am getting one. I tend to be tired and a have a hard time focusing when one is coming on. It isn't until it is almost too late that I realize what is happenening most of the time. This morning and last night as I was getting into bed I had a bit of a headache and that plus tired, plus night driving and exhaustion means uh-oh, this may be a migraine. Which sucks!

Last fall I missed the week leading up to midterms because I could barely open my eyes or move with my head hurting so much. So I hope I can keep this one away. i am about to do some research on alternative ways of treating a migraine as I don't have a prescription for anything to take. Wish me luck!

Happy Day-after-Halloween

Here we are, the day after Halloween. The children are full of sugar and exhausted by their late night candy finding escapades. Me, I am partially migraining, exhausted and pissed-off because my professors are crazy and have now stretched midterms into a 3-four week experience! I had one early one at the normal time and now I have another on Tuesday. Not that I am worried of course. I'm positive I will do well, it id just the fact of the matter that I just don't want to spend four weeks stressing and studying for tests.

Beyond that, Life is pretty good. In Chorale we have started studying our Christmas music, which I love. I don't know if there are words to describe how I love the Christmas season. The music, family and just everything, including presents! are what it is all about and all are things that I enjoy.

School and Tests

I thought I would just post a bit of a rant about tests, namely midterm exams. As I am currently experiencing said phenomena this may be a bit biased or incorrect, however, at this point I am not sure if I could care less.

This term I am taking three classes: Introduction to the Evaluation of Argumentation(whew, that's a mouthful), Anthropology of Native North Americans, and History of the Middle East. In my anthro class we had our exam quite early about a week and a half before the rest which threw me for a loop since I normally tell my job that I cannot work so much the week before so that I can get my studying done. I can't really tell them that I need two week off to study, that's a bit unreasonable. So I just bucked up and studied for two weeks straight.

I did fairly well in my anthro exam, I would really like to know the curve though, he gave us our test back and didn't tell us what our final grades were. We have to wait for the end of the term to see how he curved it. That confuses me. I wish that he would just have given it to us and let us know how it would turn out so I don't need to worry.

I just took my History exam today, he gave us seven essay questions before hand to study although he didn't finish cover some of the materiel in lecture yet. Then he said he would give us 2 choices and we only had to pick one. Nice! although he said that Monday, 2 days ago he would cut one of the questions, luckily he cut the one he hadn't covered yet. But in the process of studying for these essay questions, we all forgot about the multiple choice part, especially the part from the book. AAAAH!!! Not sure quite how I did, but I think not too bad, plus, I think he curves as well. I just hope that some of the people in the class are as dumb as they seem to that the curve is very mobile.

What I really don't understand is the whole stress out the students atmosphere, some instructors want to frighten their students into doing well by saying outrageous things about the exams like "If you don't get this right I will probably just score you a zero" Which I have heard on a few tests. Crazy, because there are people who get test anxiety that leads them to get the easy questions wrong. Whatever!

I just want to say I am very proud of myself for my performance so far this year. Yes, it helps that I don't have that many distractions. I just hope that a certain some one reads this and lets me know they are alright!

Anyway, I'm off to hit the books again.

The Underdog, Not me!

This song generally makes me dance around, and as a few people may know, yes even dance, while driving. I know sounds dangerous, but when you have spent about 2 months driving late at night the music has to keep you awake! Not constantly driving just consistently at 11pm or later, after very long days

As a side note, I know most of the works

Here Comes the Rain Again

Well, It is raining again in Oregon. It really isn't all that exciting or surprising that the rain has returned as this is the Pacific Northwest, one of the rainiest areas in the continental United States. It is just that we had a fairly dry summer and I am just not ready for the grey wet days of autumn. A summer rain is very refreshing, but months of grey dismalness is just not fun. Although this may lead to more prolific blogging! Or, just depression, I have not decided yet.

I am starting my new blogging at school kick, I will try to take a moment on a break from studying to blog I am going to try for at least one a week, but I have my hopes up for a bit more than that, we shall see.

Quiz time

I saw this quiz and just had to take it. Funnily enough this is my absolute favorite movie, Ever! crazy, huh?

Your Love Life is Like The Princess Bride

"Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind." For you, love is like a fairy tale - albeit a fairly twisted one.You believe romance is all about loyalty, fate, and a good big of goofy fun. Your love style: Idealistic yet quirky Your Hollywood Ending Will Be: Perfectly romantic

What Movie Is Your Love Life Like?

Michael Bublé - Everything

AHHHHH love this song, plus his voice is amazing. It is kind of a throwback to the older jazz singers i.e Frank Sinatra...

The little girl in the video is too cute!

Actually the whole video just makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside.

Update!

Sorry about the wait, I know I am just making excuses, but I just havent had time or energy to blog. And all I would do today is ramble so I won't. Except to say that my show is going wonderfully and has had amazing press in the Oregonian newspaper. Yay!

Peace, and love.

House and Garden

So, I have been working on a new show recently, well actually it is two shows simultaneously with the same cast on two stages in the same building! The company hired me to be the "child wrangler" in other words I keep and eye on the kids throughout the show entertain them when they are not on stage and make sure that they get to where they need to be. I think it is really exciting since I have been hired by a professional theater company. Awesome!

Life as a 20 year old is hardly different then life as a 19 year old. Except my computer! I have been messing with it a lot and somehow have been remiss in the writing of this blog, so I'm back in the saddle, yet again.

The kitten we had been fostering has completely adjusted to his new home and his new name, Timon. I think that's a cute name for him. I still miss him, but we may be getting more kittens soon. Not sure yet though.

I will be starting school on the 24th and I am very excited to finish up at PCC and move on to a university. I almost think that my mom is more excited than I am though, since I will be the first of her children to go to university. my oldest brother went straight into the Navy after high school and my other brother has disabilities and just took some classes after high school. So, I will be the first.

Anyway, I think that is mostly all I needed to say, so happy reading and stay safe!

New Toy

So, for my birthday my parents gave me a new computer, awesome I know. it is Compaq desktop with Windows Vista. They also got me a webcam! YAY! my parents rock. I am still getting used to it and figuring out where things are but its pretty awesome.

In Memory of Rosa Salvador

I meant to write this last night, but I was so drained after crying my eyes out I just couldn't. Rosa Salvador was a wonderful woman who went to my church who recently passed away. She had immigrated from the Philippines to the United States a long long time ago. I don't recall when. She learned English until it was almost perfect although even the last time I spoke to her she greeted me in Tagalog and spoke with a bit of an accent. When I was very young she would tell me stories about when she lived in the Philippines in Tagalog, the language she spoke growing up, and I actually understood her. But, I am sad to say I barely recall the stories and have no recollection of the language. I was very very young. She was quite old and near the end of her life she would cry every time she saw me and tell me how beautiful I am and that I was grown so big.

I just want to say that I loved this woman and know she is in a better place now and I hope that she knew how much I cared for her.

Sorry if this is a downer, but the world, even the tiniest corner that is this blog needed to hear about Rosa.

another video

This band used to be one of my favorites when i was in middle and high school. I was reminded of this song and decided to post the video. The video itself is a bit strange but I think it is beautifully done and I just love the song and the feeling it gives.

25 Reasons Why Guys Fall in Love

Ok, so here is the scoop, I am much too exhausted to do much more than sleep and copy and paste so, I was forwarded this by a friend and thought I would share it because i had to catch my breath because this is really sweet. Plus this was supposedly written by a man, I don't know if it is true or not, you be the judge. Here they are 25 reasons guys fall in love.

1. They will always smell good even if it's just shampoo.


2. The way their heads always find the right spot on our shoulder.


3. How cute they look when they sleep.


4. The ease in which they fit into our arms.


5. The way they kiss you and all of a sudden everything is right in the world.


6. How cute they are when they eat.


7. The way they take hours to get dressed but in the end it makes it all worth while.


8. Because they are always warm even when its minus 30 outside.


9. The way they look good no matter what they wear.


10. The way they fish for compliments even though you both know that you think she's the most beautiful girl on this earth.


11. How cute they are when they argue.


12. The way her hand always finds yours.


13. The way they smile.


14. The way you feel when you see their name on the your cell after you just had a big fight.


15. The way she says "lets not fight anymore" - even though you know that an hour later....


16. The way that they kiss after you have had a fight.


17. The way they kiss you when you say "I love you".


18. Actually...Just the way they kiss you...


19. The way they fall into your arms when they cry.


20. Then the way they apologize for crying over something that silly.


21. The way they hit you and expect it to hurt. * i think every girl is guilty of this :)


22. Then the way they apologize when it does hurt (even though we don't admit it).


23. The way they say "I miss you".


24. The way you miss them.


25. The way their tears make you want to change the world so that it doesn't hurt her anymore...



Yet regardless if you love them, hate them, wish they would die or know that you would die without them it matters not. Because once in your life, whatever they were to the world they become everything to you. When you look them in the eyes, traveling to the depths of their souls and you say a million things without trace of a sound, you know that your own life is inevitable consumed within the rhythmic beatings of her very heart. We love them for a million reasons, no paper would do it justice. It is a thing not of the mind but of the heart.


A feeling.


Only felt.

My Birthday is Coming Soon!

So, my birthday is approaching soon! in just two short weeks I will be 20. Then it will be just a year until I am 21 and then I will be able to hang out with my friends a bit more.

Yea, I know kind of a strange thing to be excited about. However, I am excited. My friends are almost all older than me and can go out to bars and clubs. Then we can all be together. Yes, 21 is the legal drinking age and that would be what others would be excited about, but I don't think that I will be all that crazy for alcohol.

Anyway, just thought I would give you a heads up!

Feist - My Moon My Man

Here is a video for one of my newest favorite songs, from a singer I have liked for quite a while. It has a cool sound that I just enjoy, I hope you like it

So, maybe I'm a bit lonely

(This is a poem by the way)

I have been alone for a long time
solitude and no peace
rain and wind
silence around
but it left me with the thoughts in my head
it left me with doubts
left me with questions
then I was alone with me

creation beckoned with hands outstretched
acknowledging my fear
but leaving me without a choice
she waited
until i was vulnerable
she waited until i cared what other people thought
she forced my hand as words exploded in my heart and in my mind
they flowed as rapidly as water over glass
word and paper and thought and heart and... soul
they were all united in this one endeavor
as they had never been before

i thanked her
as she dissolved away
leaving me alone with those doubts on paper
those doubts no longer clogged my brain
and i could breathe again
in the silence that surrounded me
as night came to a close and dawn drew ever closer

that was when i finally slept
finally...
peace

Beauty and the Beast Pictures

Beach Photos

These Photos were taken on our day trip to Astoria with Natalie and Elias to the Maritime museum and the beach around the wreckage of the Peter Iredale.

More to Come

I will be posting some pictures and anecdotes about Beauty and the Beast and our trip to the beach with my niece and nephew probably tomorrow, just a heads up.

Things have been crazy, especially in my head the last few days. I haven't been sleeping well and when I do sleep I have been having disturbing dreams that I only half way remember. Then the last two mornings I was awakened around 6 or 6:30 by my father leaving for work. Since the weather has been so nice my window is open and the noise of the car starting woke me up.

I am hoping that tonight is the night, the first night in about 2 weeks that I will have a full night's sleep without interruption or strange dreams.

Beauty and The Beast

Once upon a time, there was a girl who was very busy acting in the musical Disney's Beauty and The Beast. She was so busy she started talking in the third person and even typing in the third person. She has been spending so much time in the theater she hardly remembers what her house looks like except for at night or in her bedroom. She even stayed out extra long one night last week to go to the Midnight premier of Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix. She didn't get home that night until after 3AM. Yes, Kim knows that this is much out of her normal thing. However she likes to mix things up, especially where Harry Potter is concerned.

Yes Kim is a very busy person. She is also taking a class online this summer about Dreamweaver. She is having much fun playing around with HTML and Dreamweaver CS3. She is hoping that she can keep some of her wide eyed wonder and the amazingness that is the Internet, and that she doesn't become a dork, like a few people she knows.

Kim would also like to that some of her friends for putting up with Kim's crazyness due to her horrendous schedule and just her general lack of sanity!

Kim sends hugs and kisses to those she loves and a nice wave to those she doesn't

Poetry

I don't believe that I have ever posted my poetry and thanks to my love I have had inspiration to write a couple new poems, I though I would share them here.


#1

Night falls over the dry land and brings with it a cooling breeze
although this gentle breeze brings relief
it cannot stem the tide of this overwhelming drought
the heart in my chest yearns for that first drop of rain
at every breeze, every cloud that passes it leaps with hope
praying that the rain comes soon

The breeze has lulled my to my dream and i imagine the days when i never thirsted
in those days the lush green grass covered the rolling hills and joy followed all my steps
these days are not so happy

these days are for the wanderers
for those that mourn and cry
those who search
aimlessly
hoping that someone will save them

while i sit in the dark, waiting for the moon
and the rain



#2

Cozy and warm
curled and comfy
comforted by your arms
here i lie, awake yet dreaming
of the day when my true love is finally here
in my arms
in his arms

peace
so real,
i grasp at the sight of us together as sleep changes to wakefulness
but it is gone
all i see and feel is my empty bed, empty room

empty arms

so far from you, my love
i sleep,

and dream...


I hope you like them, and any feedback would be appreciated.

Trailer For Harry Potter

I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS COMES OUT!!!

This will be the next greatest movie out. I hope. The book is great, and I just hope that I am not disappointed by the film.

Sorry if I have been blogging a lot about Harry Potter but I am a bit obsessed. Yay, plus I work with children who are also obsessed with HP. Hooray for the geekiness. Don't worry , I will try to limit the amount of geek allowed here.

Romance

Yes, that's right, I said romance. I personally, have not had that much real life romance in my life, however, I am a hopeless romantic, just like about every human creature with ovaries. I watch romantic films, read romantic stories, even though I may blush at some of the parts. But I love that sense that love can conquer all. I think that may be one of the reasons I love to do theater.

There is something inherently romantic and magical about theater, the costumes the lights the acting, I'm not sure what exactly it is but, the whole idea of becoming someone else and embodying a story is so beautiful. The show I am in right now is full of romance as learning to love is part of the theme. It is Disney's Beauty and the Beast. I love this show. Although as any actor can tell you, I have many ideas about how this show can be better. But this is about the show itself.

A prince cursed by an enchantress to be a beast until he can love someone and have them love him back. Oh my god, that is amazing. This was the first movie I saw in a movie theater that I remember, by the way. I love that the relationship between Belle and the Beast takes time and work to become love. And that Belle loves her father enough to give her life for his, and risks her life to try to warn the beast that the Villagers are coming to kill him. The musical just kills be though because the Beast has all these heart wrenching songs about his struggle to become human again and the fact that his life pretty much depends on falling in love and having someone else love him.

Awesome, that is what it is all about. Having everything depend on love. I guess it is that quest for love and that war to keep it that is so amazing. I can't help but hope that my life is full of passion and love, just like all those stories and movies. Although, I have quite a nice love in my life just now, and I hope that it will continue forever even though this distance is between us.

So, goodnight! I pray that you will have some love in your life.

Harry Potter!

I am kind of writing this blog in response to one written by my sister (in-law). It seems she may be a late bloomer to the world of Harry Potter but we have finally sucked her in(insert evil laugh). Oh how I love thee Harry Potter, let me count the ways. Ok, so I am not going to count the ways but I am going to try to explain coherently and sensibly to explain the various and sundry reasons why I so enjoy the Harry Potter series by JK Rowling.

First of all, they are good stories, in my book that is key. A book must tell me a story in order to hold my attention, I don't care how well written it is. Well, thats an exaggeration, I really to care to some extent but if a book is reasonably well written and tells an amazing story I am more likely to enjoy it than if it tells an Okay story in profound and difficult to decipher language.

The writing is easy to read, allowing children, even ones who are learning to read, to enter a wonderful world of imagination and fantasy. I believe that reading is a gateway to knowledge and a life of success. There are children who never get to read such books and I feel sorry for them never knowing the joy of envisioning and entirely different world in their own heads as described by someone else's words.

The subject matter is another reason to love Harry Potter. JK brings up topics that are real and difficult in a way that can help children to be prepared for real life. They learn about dealing with conflict, and that the world is not all good, and about death. The characters in the book learn that violence is not the best way to solve a problem and that children can solve difficult problems if they put their minds to it. They learn about cultural and racial differences and tolerance and intolerance. All of these things are good things that parents should want their children to understand.

Yes the story is fantasy and the circumstances of Harry's life are a bit far-fetched for this world. No the story is not satanic witch-craft. It is a world of imagination that makes a great platform for kids imaginations and I for one think that one cannot be hurt by too much imagination.

I cannot wait for the next book and the coming movies to be released! YAY!

Here's the Kitten

Silly Forwards

Well, to start off, I am apologizing to my friends for the silly forwards filling their in boxes. A friend, who shall remain nameless to protect her safety thought it would be fun to dare me to do something very strange and dangerous. She knows that I will do almost anything if I am dared to. Here is the dare, to forward every lame forward that I get for a week. I did it, of course. The same adventurous streak that had me licking slugs at summer camp(I really did it) had me hitting the forward button at least 10 times a day.

Yeah, I know, silly dare but one that I did. Some of those forward were inane, flashing large annoying animation that the sender of this email considers me to be a friend and that I would be murdered by an axe murderer if I didn't send this along to 10 of my friends. Others were slightly creepy horror stories of murders, haunted houses, and hypodermic needles in ball pits. Not sure what I learned, if anything, from doing this, but it was kind of entertaining. So I'm sorry about all the silly forwards any of you have been getting. I am done with this dumb dare.

Kitties!

Sorry it has been a while since I blogged but I have been really busy fostering a pair of kittens for the Columbia Humane Society. We took them in when they were chronologically two and a half weeks old although they were the size of newborns. We got them two weeks ago, but we lost one of them a week ago. We had named him Miracle Max because he needed a miracle, by the time he died his brother was twice his weight. His brother we named Fezzik, to keep the names in the same theme, my favorite movie. Since he was so huge, well, huge compared to Maxxy.

Fezzik is doing well and is growing like a weed. We are starting the weaning process although we are not really in a hurry since he went through an abandonment twice, first his mother and then his brother. We are also starting the box training. Both are taking every ounce of patience. He just pees when and where he wants, and refuses to admit that he is capable of eating out of a bowl.

I will post some pictures of the boys when I can find the camera and the cord at the same time. They are the cutest.

New Beginning, Hopefully!

Today I am feeling the need for a change, not sure why or what needs to be changed, but something isn't right in my life. I am thinking right now that I just need to find an outlet for myself physically that is cheap and fun. I hate running, and walking by myself is lame, so... what else should I do. If anyone has any ideas let me know otherwise I may just go crazy! Not that I might be a little out in left-field already. Whatever, that isn't the point the point is that I am restless and want something to do badly!

I also really really want to move out. Not sure how that is going to happen as I am a poor college student, but the drama in the house is driving me insane, add to that the fact that my friends(the few I have), my school, my job, and any sort of sane people with open minds live in town. I meanwhile am stuck in the boonies with my crazy family. Don't take it wrong, I love my family, but I am almost 20, and I need some space and separation from my family, some time to grow up. The downside to this is that I am saving all the money I can for my trip to Nepal, or close to there.

I have no idea what I am going to do. I just hope that I figure it out before I go into a melt-down.

Some Favorites

I decided that today I would post a collection of some of my favorite quotes. What this really means is that I have been too lazy to come up with something else. So I hope you all enjoy these quotes or if you don't enjoy them, I hope they at least make you think.

I merely took the energy it takes to pout and wrote some blues.

Duke Ellington
US jazz bandleader, musician, & songwriter (1899 - 1974)

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

Joseph Chilton Pearce

I shut my eyes in order to see.

Paul Gauguin
French Post-Impressionist painter (1848 - 1903)

The words that enlighten the soul are more precious than jewels.

Hazrat Inayat Khan

To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

Joseph Chilton Pearce

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams
English humorist & science fiction novelist (1952 - 2001)

Everyone ought to worship God according to his own inclinations, and not to be constrained by force.

Flavius Josephus, Life
Jewish-Roman historian & turncoat (37 AD - 100 AD)

It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.

Andre Gide
French critic, essayist, & novelist (1869 - 1951)

Hope, like the gleaming taper's light,
Adorns and cheers our way;
And still, as darker grows the night,
Emits a brighter ray.

Oliver Goldsmith
British-Irish author (1730 - 1774)

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Martin Luther King Jr., Strength to Love, 1963
US black civil rights leader & clergyman (1929 - 1968)

My little Koko

Here you go, this is my dog Koko. She is about ten years old. We got her when I was in elementary school and I was sooooo happy because I had always wanted a dog.

She is pretty funny though she is always doing little sneezes and she shakes her whole body a lot as well. she hates her baths and having her nails cut. When she has to she cries and struggles but mostly she is sweet and good.

I took these pictures in the sunny weather outside our house today.

Isn't she cute!

Her snoring isn't very cute though, she snores and barks in her sleep and as she sleeps in my room it sometimes wakes me up or doesn't let me get to sleep.

She is a bit crazy though sometimes, she hates doorbell and sometimes she doesn't like large men or men with facial hair who are also large. We think that before we had her she was abused because of that, and that she is pretty timid about strangers.

She's pretty lazy but goes nuts when people drive or walk by. She likes to give me kisses but only in private, almost always just before I go to bed. Look at that face, who could say no to that.

Mother's Day

As yesterday was Mother's Day, I thought I would just wish all the mom's out there a very happy one. I also thought I would post David Letterman's Top 10 list from Mother's Day. This was a top ten list that was performed by Letterman's mother on his show.

Top Ten Pieces of Advice I've Given Dave Over the Years
10. "Be yourself, but less annoying"
9. "Ease up on the aftershave"
8. "At Christmas, Remember to tip your parole officer"
7. "Stick to it, don't give up and some day you'll have a third-rate talk show"
6. "Quit bothering Oprah"
5. "If anyone asks, tell them we're not related"
4. "Let America see what a great dancer you are!"
3. "Never give Regis your home phone number"
2. "I prefer Leno"
1. "You're not fooling anyone with that hairpiece"

Hello!

Well, I really! I have nothing much to report except that I was cleared of all charges with my traffic tickets fiasco. Yea, I know that may be cryptic to those not in the know... but I couldn't help but to share my good news.

Also coming up at the end of the month it will be one year since I first met my boyfriend. Yay! This coming from a girl who everyone thought would be that crazy cat lady who spoils her various nieces and nephews. The one who would never have a boyfriend or husband or anything. Well, so far I have had one boyfriend. And he is the only one that I ever want. I never thought that a chance meeting, over the internet no less, would lead to this.

Hooray!

Today the weather was great and it was nice to be able to drive with the windows down again. Ookie and I were returned the cans and were rocking out in the cars radio cranked and windows down. Those are times when I am glad that I have a sister to share good times with, even though we don't always get along.

Good weather+ Nice life= Good Mood

How Ever Did I Manage?

Well, today I realized something. I really need to appreciate the small things more. I have been stressing about my financial situation for months and I haven't taken the time to just enjoy my life. This weekend I did some of that. Here is a list of some of the things I enjoyed:

• I sat in a coffee shop people watching early on a Saturday morning. I saw so many interesting people go through there. The table of guys rotating through just shooting the breeze before they move on to the rest of their day.
• I got to meet a most charming Irish Wolfhound that morning as well and got a giant sized kiss right on the face.
• When I was at work I realized that making a child smile makes me smile.
• Saw my sister so proud of something she had worked on.
• My niece and nephew with their bongos. Oh man my arms are still sore from that game.
• Spent time with the greatest brother a girl could ask for.
• Cooked a meal that pretty much everyone enjoyed...Natalie didn't really but she liked helping me
• Being outside after a long and hard winter
• Sleep
• Showered, I know you might think that I would appreciate a shower but just stop and notice how nice it feels to be clean. Refreshing
• Wrote. I took some time to actually write some poetry this weekend which I haven't don't in far too long.

Yes I know that some of this may not make sense to you and know that some of this doesn't make much sense to me. Also I have now idea why I am feeling the need to appreciate my surroundings, but I do.

Do me one favor, give yourself time to daydream. It does wonders for the soul.

Whatever!

Today I am going to write about a couple of pet peeves. Number one, coworkers who don't pull their own weight. Number two, people who are unaware that they are doing the previous. I just sat through an hour long staff meeting about following your job description and being respectful to your coworkers. That is all.

New Favorite Video, with some other stuff

This video is very awesome and as soon as I heard the song I felt like even though the story doesn't completely fit my situation, the feeling behind it does.

Recently someone asked me if I believed in soul mates. I told them that of course I did, that I have always had believed. When I was young, and I do mean young, I just knew that someone was out there just for me, and that when I met them they would be the rest of my soul. Now I don't necessarily believe that soul mates are purely romantic relationships. I believe that my late friend Melissa was my soul mate.

She was my best friend in my freshman year of high school, we hadn't known each other for very long but we were literally best friends. I would have done anything for her, and I did. The week that she was in the hospital prior to her death she told one of our other friends that she didn't want me to come see her. She didn't want me to remember her like that. I wanted and needed to see her but I followed her wishes and I didn't get to say goodbye. Sometimes I regret that, but not that I did what she wanted.

The other person that I have a sneaking suspicion is my soul mate is Sanjib. I believe that he is that soul that was far away from me when I was so young. From the moment we began chatting I felt a connection with him.

Me, Again

Sorry again readers I will try to say something meaningful today. Earlier today I was asked a question that I think I will answer here. I was asked if I believe in ghosts and spirits, and if I do, why, and how I feel about it.

The short answer is that yes I believe in ghosts. I dont necessarily believe in the haunting, scary, out-to-kill kind of ghost but a presence of people who have died I do believe in. I have always been very sensitive to emotions of other people and I think that sometimes I am aware of the emotions of people who no longer are alive.

When I was a very little girl I thought there was an old man who was very sad that was in my bedroom, now I really believe that was true. He would come to me in the night, in my dreams and I would try to make him happy. Then there was one night that he didnt come, after that I never saw him again.

I spoke to one lady who is a psychic and she thought that with some training I could be one too. I asked her if she could teach me but she said she is aware of spirits by hearing them so she didnt think that she was the right person. Someday I think it would be nice to learn if I can actually communicate with people who are dead.

I know that I am sensitive to living peoples emotions because I have always been able to know how others were feeling. Most recently I have even been able to "feel" the emotions of someone I love who is far far away, around the world.


I would be really interested to hear other peoples opinions on this topic so let me know with a comment or an email if you would rather.

Once More Into the Fray

So here we go again. Time for some blogging. Sorry to my regular and not so regular readers, with studying for finals and things like that I have been remiss in my writing in my blog.

Today is Friday, yesterday my parents took my sister and I out for lunch to celebrate my good grades. I ended up with great grades this term, although they aren't any better than other term, just that I worked really hard this term, and it payed off.

In other news I love my job. The kids are great as are some of my coworkers. Some of them are not so great although I don't think I will write about that here except that here in case I have unexpected visitors to this little place.

Theater & Me

Theater has been a big part of my life, I thought I would take the time to post a few picture of me in costume from a few shows. I few of them need descriptions so here we go.

This first picture is an oldie but a goody. This is me as the singing fairy in Midsummer Night's Dream. This was my freshman year. my friend Melissa is right to the right of me facing the camera, she did my makeup and later that school year she died horribly in an incident with a car.



This next one is me playing the guitar and singing "Figure Eight" from Schoolhouse Rocks! Live! That was our show my senior year, and boy was it fun. We did i think 6 matinée performances in three days for the elementary school children in our area. That was followed my three evening performances then another weekend of shows. We were all about dead on our feet after that. I can't believe that we made it through, but we did.

The other thing about this play was that there were over 20 songs in an hour and a half which meant that they tried to make it so none of us strained our voices by not having all of us in every song. It worked to some extend however I think I was in about 19 songs which was the most I believe out of our entire cast. That was because I have a good voice and I don't have a problem learning music and my voice is strong so I could handle it. In fact I was darned proud that I could sing that many songs in such a short time. Not that the music was very hard at all, but anyway. Time to move along to a different reverie. (Did you notice that my shoes match my shirt, I was really happy to be able to wear my favorite shoes in a play)




The next is of me during Bye Bye Birdie. I played the mother of a character named Kim so during rehearsal things were a bit confusing because when the director would say, "Kim, I need you to do such and such a thing" we would have to ask him if he meant actual Kim, or Sam who was playing Kim. Good times, well sort of I didn't really like that show but i worked my butt off for that director mostly because when I got the part of the mother he said that I wasn't a good actress. I sure showed him. In this picture we are singing "Ed Sullivan" isnt my little family cute. This is my husband in the show and my daughter right after we have found out that we will be appearing on the Ed Sullivan Show and that Kim will get a kiss from her favorite singing on live television.

This one is my real family all dressed up in our costumes from "Cinderella" we were all dressed up for the ball or the wedding, I'm not really sure but I think it is the wedding since my brother is dressed up in his Minister costume. That was a fun show and all the family was in it. Mom made my costume, isn't it amazing. I Love It! Mom's dress she found at Goodwill I think and very cheaply I might add. The rest are dressed up in other costume pieces. I love costuming and looking and designing costumes. We don't dress like this every day or wear the crazy makeup either. Silly us and how cute.



This show was done actually the same summer as Cinderella. Actually it was just after we closed Cinderella that I was approached my some family friends to take this role. I had less that a month to learn my lines and everything, I think it was 2-3 weeks actually, so I had to work really hard but it was a fun show. A comedy, where I played a gold-digger. This picture is a publicity shot not a scene from the play, but it is funny. The other characters in the picture are my love interest/fiance and his other fiance who is very lower class but she knew him first hilarity ensues with gangsters, best friends and siblings, and babies. all in all that was one fun summer. By the way, my mom made this dress a well, and yes I am wearing fake nails.

From beach

This is where I would like to be right now, well if the weather wasn't full of cold and wet. I am so tired of being cold, what I wouldn't give to be completely warm. Even at night with my two comforters and flannel sheets I am not warm enough. I have never been cold like this before, normally I can handle being a bit chilly no problem, but this winter I am craving warmth like no other. May be its because of all the weight I have lost, just so you know the weight is down about 20 pounds since I started. I cannot wait to be thinner still, I'm doing my best although it is taking time to unlearn a lifetime of bad eating and exercising habits.

I have found out that I like to exercise although I still have to make myself do it, one way that I have started to make myself is the mile and a half walk to the bus four days a week. I don't have a choice not to go to school so I have to walk. It makes me feel alive to walk like that even though on those rainy cold wintry days it is not fun to be soaked or have cars splash you with even more water than is already raining down on you. After that it is even less fun to sit on the bus for about an hour followed by about another forty five minutes on the MAX while soaking wet, then sit in class and wait to go home still drying and smelling faintly like a wet dog, not to mention having your jeans weigh about 20 extra pounds from the water. Not that I'm complaining, too much at least, it was my own damn fault and I have no one to blame but myself.

Will This Ever End?

So here I am, in the computer lab at school, waiting for my dad to pick me up. I am bored from doing my homework so this is my break. Things are crazy still but I still am not sure if I ca make it through this term without borrowing some money. I have about 500 dollars to pay to PCC and I start my new job hopefully on Saturday night, but in order for me to pay for my tuition I will have to work, almost 70 hours although I will be getting some money from my church for working in the nursery. But still, I don't understand why people have to pay so much money to make money. I mean if you don't have a college education, then you wont succeed easily in your career.

It makes me crazy.

The other thing making me crazy is me. Lately I have been kind of sad, not really sure why. Part of it I think is that it will cast an extraordinary amount of money for me to travel to Nepal, and I don't really want to spend money on anything else until I go there. I just cannot figure this out. Every time I think about how far away he is, I just feel like crying. I almost just want to give up hope, but I know I cannot, I must keep hoping since this all rests on my shoulders.

Next craziness, is me looking at universities. A few of my wonderful, darling, friends have plans for me, like, University of Oregon, Oregon State University, Southern Oregon, Central Washington. The thing is I don't know that I want to go to a University so close to home, even though Southern Oregon is at least four hours away. I have recently been thinking about moving to Canada for a while. I might go to University of British Columbia in Vancouver. I really like that city and Canada itself. I have a few family members there although we aren't really close to them since they are kind of distant relatives. Although I like them. The other thing about that is that Canada is a lot easier on people who are immigrating that would make it easier for my future I think. And, really Canada is not all that far from home and the climate isn't that different than I am used to.

How?

So, you all have been reading about my trials and tribulations in trying to make enough money to pay for my college tuition, and save for my trip to Nepal. And, as I am not in Nepal, have never been in Nepal, and still wish to travel there, you may surmise correctly that I have not been very successful at making money.

I am hoping to change that as of right now. I will be starting a new job come next Saturday, although for the time being it wont be very many hours but they like me and when this term is over I should be scheduled for more hours. The lady who hired me seemed to like me and since she is in charge of the schedule that will help as well. This is me crossing my fingers.

I have my Mary Kay business, yes I know, I have had it for a while but I'm shy and it is taking me a while to sort through my fears and anxiety to be able to get a class organized and call and talk to people that I know. Yes, this may make me sound pathetic and silly, but I am both. i have a really hard time putting myself out there and trying to sell not only myself but my products.

My next plan is to make a bunch of my star lights and try to sell them as well (see the picture above) they are fairly simple to make but they are beautiful. The other thing about them is I can decorate them however I want so I can customize them for people who are buying them from me.

With all of these schemes I hope that enough money comes my way that I don't really have to worry about tuition at this point that is my goal. Since my last employer was a jerk and fired me enough of the way into the term that I couldn't get my money back, and close enough to the start of the term that I don't have enough money to pay for my tuition. So here's hoping I don't crash and burn.

In other news I am sick and tired of hearing about Anna Nicole Smith, I had enough of her when she was alive they should just let her be dead and silent. Britney Spears could join her too for all I care, I don't particularly care if she checks herself in and out of rehab and shaves her head, hey, she can do what she wants, I just don't want to hear about it.

Hello

Update on the job search: I now pretty much have a job, YAY! All I have to do is get my name into the certified childcare criminal background check system. It shouldn't be a problem at all as I haven't been arrested for, or committed any crimes. I can't wait to start. The job is at a childcare center one that a friend of mine works at. I went in for an interview and walked out with the job, pretty much. I think I will start after a couple weeks

Love and Dreams

So, it is almost Valentine's Day so I thought that I would write about love. Yeah, I know, its kind of a broad topic but its one that is close to my heart. I have always been a sucker for love and romance, not that I have had that much experience. I really haven't but as one of my friends said, I'm addicted to love. Its true, in all shapes and forms I am fascinated by the whys and hows of love.

This is particularly interested in my case, as my love is so far away and we have never met, but I love him. Some people try to explain love as biological because of scents or some primeval urges for healthy mates. This does not explain our case very well, I fell in love with him pretty much at first, as soon as I knew his heart. I think I always knew that I would fall in love with someone far away from where I grew up.

Even when I was young I felt that there was another soul far away from me that was a fit for mine. At night especially on the nights where there was a bright moon I would feel close to that soul and then feel kind of sad because that distance seemed so far. Now I know who that person is and now I know that my dreams and hopes are true.

Love, I don't think I could live without some form of it. I love romance movies, chick flicks (duh, I have ovaries) I love hearing how people fell in and out of love. I have never had a special someone on Valentine's Day, which is something I have always regretted. No, wait, I had a valentine in second grade........I think his name was Eli, I'm not sure, but I think so.

I hope all my readers have someone they love to spend time with on this most romantic of holidays, if you do, give him or her an extra squeeze for me and my sorry state. However , don't feel too sorry for me, I am happier than I have been in years
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!

Stomach Flu Sucks!

So the last four days I have been so sick. I caught this horrible flu and now I have missed three days of school. I was minding my own business and then I was just kicked over by it. I kept thinking that I would be well in the morning to be able to go to school but no such luck. It's Saturday, and today I feel pretty much 100% except that I'm sleepy.

Yesterday morning I got up to go to school, but I was feeling so sick that my dad decided that I should stay home yet again. So I went back to bed, and slept until about 11:00 then got up still feeling like crap. About 4:30 I went and slept until 7:30 and then got up to eat a little and at 11:00 I went back to bed and got a full night's sleep. Crazy, right? I couldn't believe it. I don't think that I've ever slept this much except when I've had a migraine. But, it seems to have worked.

The Start of Something New and Other Random Crap

This last week I decided to start selling Mary Kay. I know, strange idea for someone as shy as I am. But I believe that I can make some money and become a bit more comfortable talking to strangers and selling myself. I haven't made much money yet, but I am still building my business and waiting for my sample case to show up.

I hope that anyone who would like to buy Mary Kay would contact me, I would be more than happy to schedule a party with anyone within driving distance of here and for anyone that is farther away I would be happy to help you find the products you need.

I recently made it to a total of 15 pounds of weight loss. I am totally happy with that, although I can't wait to lose more. I have been going back and forth with losing and maintaining the weight, but now I am going to make a big push to lose, that is, after I get over this damn stomach thing that I caught.

New Beginnings

I am starting a new step for a job. I am going to be selling Mary Kay Cosmetics. I think this will be a good step because I spend alot of time around makeup, with stage makeup and if I feel like wearing it during the day. Besides this they sell cleansers and lotions and other things.

Besides the products being interesting and nice the company itself will be great for me. I will be able to schedule my business around my own schedule. So if anyone out there wants to buy products they should contact me. If you want to look at the products you can go to www.Marykay.com and see the full product line.

Worries

Lately I have had a lot of worries about my future, my job, my college, and my relationship. I have been so full of worry that I hardly am sleeping at night. I think I slept about three hours the last three nights.

I have been worried that I wont find a job that will pay me well enough to continue school and travel this summer. I have been worried that if I find a job I wont be able to focus on school. That is the most important thing my school. About my relationship I have been worrying lately because we haven't been talking very much. I am really worried that things are changing between us and that is the last thing I would ever want. He has been working a lot and been very busy and has been sick so we have lost opportunities to talk and I miss it a lot.

Last night I was really worried and I couldn't stop thinking about everything and I didn't sleep until about two o'clock this morning. I had a nice day spending time with my niece and my nephew. But still when I went to bed I couldn't sleep.

Maybe tonight I will sleep better, I hope so. I have to sit through a two hour lecture tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Umm, Not Much To Say

So as you may or may not be able to tell from the title of this post I cannot think of anything to say. So I think I will just ramble for a bit. I ran into a couple of girls that I knew in high school today on the bus to school. We were talking for a while and sat while waiting for our classes or buses. Talking to them and hearing stories about their lives and the lives of people I graduated with made me realize that besides being jobless I am actually really happy with my life and where I am. Although one thing I am not happy about is still being apart from Sanjib. I know that he is the one person I can trust with my heart more than anyone else in the world.


Since I was little I have had this feeling that my soul mate either romantic or platonic was someplace very far away. I have felt like there was someone out there for me since I was very little. I would sit by the window of our house and wish on all the stars and on the moon that this person would be safe and find their way to me. I really believe that this person is Sanjib.

I guess I had a bit more to talk about then I thought.

My New Favorite Video

Yeah, I already posted one of their videos, but something about this band just draws me in. The music is really great too, which is kind of rare for these days.

Is It Depression, Or Just Apathy

These last few days have not been going well for me. I found out this week that I don't have a job anymore. So now begins the job search. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I don't want to get stuck doing something I don't enjoy but at this point school comes first. I just started this last term and I don't want to become a loser who works at Walmart and does crack on the weekends like most of the townies in this little country hick town.

Money is an issue though, as I'm trying to save money for this trip to Nepal.

Speaking of, I hope that Malaysia is treating Sanjib well, because I miss him. With him gone I have realized that I stay up late just for him, I may make excuses to my parents and my sister, but really its just for him that I am up until after eleven o'clock every night and up by five thirty the next day.

Don't cry for me Argentina, or my readers, just pass along any good flexible hours part time jobs in the Portland Oregon area, or.......... well send me money, cash, lots of it, in small denominations, non sequential. OK now I know I've been watching way too much CSI.

Is This An Addiction? and other things

No, I'm not addicted to Meth, or Heroin or anything like that, but my parent believe that I might be addicted to the Internet. I'm not really sure if that is completely true because it isn't the Internet itself but the information I can get and the connections I can make and have made. Including but not limited to my boyfriend who I met and communicate with over the Internet. This does not include the homework and other school and searching for decent paying work things that I do.

OK, so I spend a lot of time on the Internet, pretty much as soon as I get up, and then any studying I do during the day, and then again during the evenings until late into the night. Yeah, maybe I'm addicted, but at least it isn't something that is going to hurt me in the long run.

In another completely unrelated matter.... I'm not really sure how to say this. But I have been noticing lately alot of parents losing their tempers with their children. I can understand some anger and frustration, but some of these parents seem to be going overboard with what they are angry at. I saw one harried mother of one about eighteen month old shake him because he was reaching for things in the grocery store. She didn't shake him enough to injure him, but it seemed outrageous to me.

I guess since I work with children and have experience with babies who are upset and acting out I just have no patience for parents overreacting. I deal with children with disabilities and children under two years. I know that anger does not help, and that if you get mad you may cause all sorts of problems in the future or just exacerbate the problem now. I only hope that if and when I become a parent I am able to control any frustrations that I may feel.

I know that hitting and yelling at children isn't good, I lived through some of that so I think I will always fear that someplace inside of me I am capable of doing the same thing to my own children. I know there is a strong barrier within myself to that, but I don't know............what if it isn't strong enough? All I can do is find a way to cope and find a way to make myself strong enough not to let what was done to me ruin my own future.

Dating And The Rest: part 2

Here is a continuation of the story I began yesterday.

The one guy friend and I had sort of left her fold, although we were still friends. We weren't as close as we had been, but we couldn't really escape her because she was intensely involved in the theater department with us. We were all involved in a musical production in which she had one lead and I had a large comic supporting role. The guys were also involved in this production as well.


It was during the beginning of this production that I found out the horrible news. My mom had breast cancer, and it was serious. I was a sophomore in high school by this point. It was a really rough time because my family needed my support, and because I have a younger sister I had to remain strong at home. I had been hoping to have the support of all my friends at school, so I continued in the production at my mother's urging.

I went to tell my friend, she was alone at lunchtime for once, and I told her the news. She looked at me for a while and said, oh, I'm sorry. Then she went on to complain that she couldn't date the other friend of ours because she believed it was wrong but she still had feelings for him. I was shocked. I had been there for her through everything, I helped her study, I held her while she cried and when I needed her to return the favor she couldn't or wouldn't.

I think I said something lame and left as quickly as I could and went to sit with one of the guys. He was the perfect picture of kindness, he asked of he could do anything and said if I did to just call him anytime no matter what. That is what I needed. He helped me stay afloat during this very busy time of school then intense rehearsals, where I had to deal with my former friends attention seeking behavior and her pitying attitude to me. Not just that , but when I went home, everything was sad and somber and intense as my mom went through her double mastectomy, and then healed from that physically, mentally, and spiritually.

He was my rock to sanity.

After that experience with someone I thought was my best friend I decided that I would stay away from her and other people a bit more and that shell became even stronger. People were always coming to me for advise on everything but I never ever understood how they could ask me, the person who had lost her best friend and seemingly her only chance at a boyfriend.

I guess I understand people, except the crazy ones.

This experience leads me to today, and my wonderful crazy relationship with Sanjib. For those who may not know about it, we met over the internet through my little sister. He lives in Nepal and I live in the US. We haven't met in person yet, but hope to this summer. One of my friends think I got into this relationship because it is safe. But it isn't exactly safe, he is so far away and I have given my heart to him and completely trust him.

Dating And The Rest: part 1

Today I am going to write about dating.

OK now that those of you who know me have stopped laughing, I will continue. I say this because some of my faithful readers know that the relationship I am currently in is the first romantic relationship I have had since second grade, I think his name was Elijah. These same people will tell you I am an innocent in the ways of dating, although it is the same people who come to me for dating advise all the time. This post isn't necessarily just about dating but friendship as well.

I am writing this blog not for all of you but I think for me, just to get my thoughts in order. I guess you may think that it is strange for me to publish my words on the internet and not care if anyone reads them, but in all seriousness I do not care. At least for this post.

Dating is an illusive creature for me. I went through high school without a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter. I lived in a kind of a shell, I'm not entirely sure what that shell was, but it certainly did its job. I was separate from most people, and for a while I was alright with that. I don't need a billion and one friends I just need a few to take care of, and to take care of me. I generally hung out with just a few people from the theater department. I was uncomfortable around all the militant Christians and the crazy druggies. So I stayed in my shell.

That shell led me to one of my former best friends, I wont name her in case she read this. She drew me to her because I saw her energy and her confidence. I wasn't and am not very confident in myself and my abilities, I have a great fear of failure and the disappointment that comes with it. She could stand up and speak without fear, I thought she could do anything. So I tried to become like her, but in doing that I forgot who I am and what my own strength are. All I could talk about was her all I could think about is her. I did anything she told me to do, any belief she held I held it too. I did my best to turn into her.

I failed, and now I am happy that I did. It was what happened between us and a couple of our guy friends that showed me this. We had two guys that we generally hung out with between classes and rehearsals and whenever. My friend had this idea that you should date unless you wanted to get married to that person, and because she believed that I did too. These two guy were really nice and good friends to us. But I began to realize that she had some sort of control over them as well. I couldn't figure it out. Still can't.

But anyway I think I liked one of these guys, maybe enough to date him, at this point I was shaking off some of her power. So we started hanging out more he and his mom took me to a couple events and we had fun, and we kept hanging out. Then she came and said that she liked him and told me to back off and I did, she told him that she liked him and he followed her. Gave her the things she wanted and acted in the way she wanted. The other guy had gotten wise and sort of left our group. He was still my friend and she hated that, she wanted to be my best and only friend, no one else was good for me but her. She thought everyone was trying to corrupt me.

I will finish this story later, I think it is just too long for one post.

Today I can think of nothing to write, but I'm trying to create that habit of blogging more frequently to this is pretty much it.

UMMMMMM..................if anyone has any ideas, please let me know