Dating And The Rest: part 1

Today I am going to write about dating.

OK now that those of you who know me have stopped laughing, I will continue. I say this because some of my faithful readers know that the relationship I am currently in is the first romantic relationship I have had since second grade, I think his name was Elijah. These same people will tell you I am an innocent in the ways of dating, although it is the same people who come to me for dating advise all the time. This post isn't necessarily just about dating but friendship as well.

I am writing this blog not for all of you but I think for me, just to get my thoughts in order. I guess you may think that it is strange for me to publish my words on the internet and not care if anyone reads them, but in all seriousness I do not care. At least for this post.

Dating is an illusive creature for me. I went through high school without a boyfriend, or a girlfriend for that matter. I lived in a kind of a shell, I'm not entirely sure what that shell was, but it certainly did its job. I was separate from most people, and for a while I was alright with that. I don't need a billion and one friends I just need a few to take care of, and to take care of me. I generally hung out with just a few people from the theater department. I was uncomfortable around all the militant Christians and the crazy druggies. So I stayed in my shell.

That shell led me to one of my former best friends, I wont name her in case she read this. She drew me to her because I saw her energy and her confidence. I wasn't and am not very confident in myself and my abilities, I have a great fear of failure and the disappointment that comes with it. She could stand up and speak without fear, I thought she could do anything. So I tried to become like her, but in doing that I forgot who I am and what my own strength are. All I could talk about was her all I could think about is her. I did anything she told me to do, any belief she held I held it too. I did my best to turn into her.

I failed, and now I am happy that I did. It was what happened between us and a couple of our guy friends that showed me this. We had two guys that we generally hung out with between classes and rehearsals and whenever. My friend had this idea that you should date unless you wanted to get married to that person, and because she believed that I did too. These two guy were really nice and good friends to us. But I began to realize that she had some sort of control over them as well. I couldn't figure it out. Still can't.

But anyway I think I liked one of these guys, maybe enough to date him, at this point I was shaking off some of her power. So we started hanging out more he and his mom took me to a couple events and we had fun, and we kept hanging out. Then she came and said that she liked him and told me to back off and I did, she told him that she liked him and he followed her. Gave her the things she wanted and acted in the way she wanted. The other guy had gotten wise and sort of left our group. He was still my friend and she hated that, she wanted to be my best and only friend, no one else was good for me but her. She thought everyone was trying to corrupt me.

I will finish this story later, I think it is just too long for one post.