How It Goes

*RANT ALERT*
I spend the next number of paragraphs venting and ranting and although I mean every word I may not have ever spoken them aloud and may never. But they needed to be out of my head. So here they landed. You have my permission to skip right past this if you wish and go about your day.


Started meds last Thursday and my Doctor said that I might start to feel the effects about now and I think I might have. According to Dad I kept my cool more than I have been able to in the past while arguing. I admit that I did, but I am not as quick to point the finger at my meds, I really want to be able to point the finger at myself. I hate that I have to have some pharmaceutical in my system for someone to recognize my control.

I have HAD to control my every action and reaction for years. Our family has been tap dancing around the fact that one of us is crazy and now it is catching. I have got it! I want to give it back! Maybe it should be ok for ME to be the problem for once. Maybe people shouldn't blame me because I am over sensitive, maybe some people could, I don't know, HELP me? Not, say "This is what always happens" or "Well they are having a hard time too" Really?! NO SHIT! But I have ALWAYS been the one to apologize first, the first one to take the first step toward reconciliation, the first one to reach out, and I am tired of it. Actually, I am just TIRED. Why should I make excuses for people who can't speak a civil word to me, or may hold a grudge because someone they care about threatened me and I have a problem with it? Don't I deserve protection? I'm done.

I'm not going to cut ties and shit like that, but people need to know that I am a human too. I cannot afford to be the one to end this right now. I have enough problems of my own to deal with to waste time on someone who is too immature to even consider that I might be falling apart.

I was also informed that SOMEONE believes that people have always had to tiptoe around me, that MY anger and MY lack of decency has negatively impacted ALL of my relationships and that I should be grateful for the ones that haven't disintegrated completely. Yeah, so the behavior that YOU see maybe would, but I can relax and be myself away from home so my friends know the real me and would freak out at the way that I behave here. They would also understand, because they believe that I can actually tell when someone is being unfair or unjust, they don't think that I am hallucinating or unable to tell what people are saying to me and what they mean by the words they are saying.

This nervy emotional wreck is NOT me! I am the one that everyone can count on to be there when the chips are down. I have helped too many friends through breakups and deaths and life for this to be me! I am tired of it...I just want to be back to the happy and caring me.

That is all for now,