Misadventures of the Uninformed

Thoughts on a Potential New Endeavor

2011-08-28T05:57:00.001-07:00

So...here's the scoop. Recently a group called 4k for Cancer (check them out here) rode through town. A group of around 30 college aged heroes cycling from Baltimore to Portland for cancer. Wow. Roughly 4000 miles in 70 days. The riders that participate have to raise a minimum for $4500 to ride.

I WANT TO DO THIS!

No really.

I have been thinking about this since I heard about it. I didn't actually get to meet the riders but heard about it from my parents who were both tearing up just talking about it. My mom is a breast cancer survivor and my uncle(Dad's brother) just died from cancer.

The riders talk to people and write names of people, survivors or victims, on their calves so the riders behind them can keep those people in their thoughts. Both Mom and Marty's names graced multiple legs as they took their last ride from St. Helens to Portland.

I have been reading and reading and thinking and praying and asking myself if I am crazy for wanting to do this. These are some of the positives and negatives for doing it:

#1. I am fat. Let's just call a spade a spade. I am not only fat but out of shape. I have 8 or 9 months to prepare...I don't know if I will physically able to do it.

#2. I want to do something big like this. I think it would be a lovely story to tell my grandchildren someday. The story of a girl who took a huge risk and tried to make a difference in this world and in herself. This would be an incredible journey of self discovery.

#3. Money! That $4500 seems huge! I'm sure that people will want to help but it just seems so big.

#4. Time. I have a full time job and am planning on going back to school soon. Will my job just let me go for over 70 days? Will I have to quit and stress about finding a job again when I come back?

#5. Fitness! I think that training for this ride will be great and maybe the emotional and social impact of the cancer activism nature of it will keep me motivated.

#6. Cycling...I don't think I have ever been much of a natural at riding a bike. I went on some spectacular falls as a child. I did read that most of the riders started out with little to no cycling experience though.

#7. I am kind of shy and self conscious and would be with around 30 strangers for 70 days. I worry that I won't make friends or feel comfortable around the people in my group.

#8. Gleep! What will I do with my poor pooch? I don't think he would enjoy riding across the country in his bag on my back.

#9. Something about this is calling to me. I have felt drawn to it since I heard about it.

#10. How many people can say they rode a bike across the country let alone for an amazing cause that it so close to so many people?

I think I have come to the decision to apply and then see what happens after that. They start accepting applications September 1st so I have a few more days to chicken out. I tweeted about it and 3 riders have already started encouraging me to do it. I don't know though. I can't seem to sort out the self doubt and logical reasoning. Let me know your thoughts and who knows, in a few months I could be hitting you up for donations.

PS I know the ride from Baltimore to Portland went through Ohio and stopped in Dayton and had a free day in Cleveland. Just saying *cough cough Ken and Allison *cough cough

Reflections

2010-06-11T16:32:00.000-07:00

I thought that since my brother, Ken, his wonderful wife, Allison, and my awesome niece and nephew are moving halfway across the country I would make sure everyone knows how awesome they are. I don't know that I could ask for better family members and stronger support. I will forever be filled with love for there amazing human beings.

I'll start with my brother(chronologically it makes sense): from the moment I can remember we were close. He would take care of me and teach my funny things to say in my high pitched voice. I was just reminded that he used me in some of his videos he made in high school, I was under the age of three at the time. I was heart broken when he left for the Navy. I cried and cried and cried. A few nights when I knew he would be home the next day I was so excited I made myself sick. I actually vomited I was so happy to be seeing him. I always know that I can count on him for anything and that he will always support me in any of my choice. He is a bit of a center of calm and reason in the midst of a crazy family.

Things I learned from my brother: Micheal Jordan, algebra (at age 7), how to use gears and hand brakes on a bicycle, how to count out binary on my hands, how to...acquire music.

I have the best sister-in-law on the planet! Allison was a great addition to the family(good job, Ken!). As soon as I met her I knew I liked her, the fact that I was dressed as a clown didn't even phase her. I have found through the years that I have another sister not just a sister-in-law. We are capable of talking and talking the day and the planet's problems away. She is a truly beautiful person inside and out, I know it wounds cheesy but it is true. I look at her and I see her following her dreams and succeeding and can't help but look up to her.

Think I learned from Allison: I do not have the corner on crazy families, I don't have to hide my opinions to have people love me, I am a good person, follow your passion, the wonder of pedicures!

I have to stop for now...I can barely see. I will continue my reminiscing at a later time.

Ohio, you are getting some amazing people. I hope you realize how lucky you are

So This is Real Life?

2010-04-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

I have only one piece of news to share, I have less than 30 days to find a job and a place to live.

The situation this came from is ridiculous and idiotic and immature and delusional, but there is nothing I can do about it. I need to move on. Our house has been a stressful place for quite a while. My mother is not an easy woman to live with, she needs to have control of everything and her nose in everyone's business.

Last summer my sister's fiance moved in. I am just going to say that he isn't the easiest person for me to handle and not at all the type of guy I would want my sister to date. He has three children by three different ladies and is going through some problems with the law which is why he is living with us. Before he moved in with us I was a nervous person but living with someone with his type of temper is not easy for me. I am constantly scared that my actions will cause him to start slamming things around and yelling. It has happened. I left a plate on the counter and he slammed around the house for 15 minutes yelling about the "fucking lazy ass who can't clean up after their slob ass..." and on and on.

Anyway, I the argument in question occurred during a family dinner that I prepared. I was frustrated at how it was coming out and was kind of snapping at people. Nothing different than anyone in this household has done many many times. He bursts out with "Why the fuck can't we just eat in fucking peace for once?" So I get up from the table and leave(I have learned that avoidance is safer for me). I realize that I worked my ass off cooking dinner, (which tasted great but looked horrible)and deserved to be able to eat it. So I went back to the table. I took responsibility for my temper but I would not apologize to him for saying that. It just dissolved into me leaving again, and mom saying if I didn't eat now then she would just throw it away. I was too upset to eat by that time anyway. My parents came into my room and basically let me have it, screaming and blaming and name calling and the whole shebang. Mom then said that since I can't get along with the family and cause all the stress that I have 30 days to get out. Actually she said that I just needed to leave, then said that I have 30 days. They left and I freaked out alone for a while.

Then my mom started her standard turn the stupid and mean things she says into a positive routine, or what I like to call COMPLETE BULLSHIT! She wanted to make it seem like she made a rational decision to get me to move on because she thought it would be better for me. I think it will be, and I was planning to, as soon as I can find a job that would support me in my own space. 30 days is kind of unreasonable but I have a feeling that if I make a real effort they will stretch the time. Otherwise I will be living in a shelter. At this point even that would be preferable to here.

I can't wait to have my own space where I can feel safe and like I am actually doing something. I would just like to feel that my family actually cares. I am fighting down this pathetic Kim voice telling me that if my own family doesn't love me and think I am capable how will anyone else? and listing all the various negatives about me that would lead them to prefer Joe to me.

My parents have said over and over that they are trying to create a safe loving environment so that if something happens for my sister she will feel comfortable coming home. Where is my love and safety? why does a maniac get to poison my home and force me out. I don't even feel like part of the family anymore, I am just a handy scapegoat for everyone else's problems. I guess I am an easy target since I am sensitive and empathetic and actually care how my actions impact others

Fuck it! and screw them.

If I have to bow and scrape to my own family, I don't want it. I will start my own life and leave all this shit behind. I can do it, I know I can. For the first time in my whole life I feel like I am a good person and worth something and I can't let them rob me of that.

2010-04-13T18:53:00.001-07:00

Clayton and I freezing while waiting to see Owl City

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Kim Blogs Books Ep 1

2010-03-18T15:44:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking of ideas that may help me with my lack of regular blogs. One is to kind of review books that I am reading. Maybe not give a full on book report but just let my few readers know my ideas about the numerous books I am reading. My ideas may not be what I would call informed or intelligent, just my thoughts on what came across the page. I got the idea today during my near weekly trip to the library.

So here is my first edition of Kim Blogs Books:

I have recently been introduced to Graphic Novels. There are a number of them that I considered for my first review but I decided to go with the first graphic novel I ever read, Watchmen. I would have to say that this was a great introduction to the genre. I had heard wild tales about how great it was and had a chance to preview it on a long bus ride with the Pacific University Chamber Singer.

We probably made it through the first few chapters including the sections that are purely text. Shane and I were using our best superhero voices while reading it aloud to each other. We barely lifted our eyes off the page to wipe the laugh-tears out of the way. Not that I am saying it was funny, it was just hilarious to hear Rorschach's voice come out of a sweetly flambouyant member of my own personal "Gay Pride."

I love the artwork of Graphic Novels and Watchmen is no different. I love the tight close ups and grand panoramic views. It really helps me to get a feel for the environment.

One of my favorite parts is watching the interplay between the newspaper salesman and the young boy from the neighborhood. It is a nice "normal" interaction in a strange world. It kept people human for me. It was easier to remember that even the costumed superheroes are just people dressed up. I really appreciate that departure from the regular Superman type superheroes. Guys with ginormous muscles and superpowers from birth, mutation, or otherwise. These heroes are just people who wanted to make a difference somehow and dressed up to do it. They get old and retire, forcibly or otherwise, they lead normal lives, some of the time, and have mommy issues just like the rest of us.

Everything taken into consideration Watchmen was a perfect introduction to the genre for me and I can't say that it started badly. I give it a B+

So there was my first book review. Let me know what you think. I will always take suggestion of new books to read. I will read almost anything...pretty much.

COMING SOON: Neil Gaiman's Sandman series, Kingdom Come, various books by Lynn Flewelling and many many more!!!!! Stay tuned!

Things I Have Learned

2010-03-16T16:19:00.000-07:00

I have learned that I really dislike violence
There are tastes I do not enjoy
I have learned that as wacky as my family is...
well I fit it
I have learned that anger frightens me, especially in myself.
I will stay up all night with a good book.
I have learned that I am stronger than I thought and weaker than I would have hoped.
I have never been so alone and yet not lonely
I tried to teach myself organization but I lost myself along the way.
I have finally learned that I am a good person
I am just waiting to learn that I am good enough
I learned about waiting
I forgot about pain, then remember as I tumbled down again
I learned that tomorrow is another day and that each day is its own beginning
and cheesy as it sounds I have learned that in each beginning, an end, and each end, a beginning.
I have yet to learn what is around each corner or where my road will take me
I just know that I have finally learned to live within my own skin
I don't have to like it, I don't need to be happy, I just need to take it all as it comes.
I have no faith in the outcome or concrete goal to attain, I just know my path will lead where it will
No step is wrong, no stop is the end. My heart will take me to where I am meant to be.
I have learned some of the best encouragement comes from "strangers" on the internet.
I have learned that those closest to you can do the most damage.
I have learned I must stand on my own
I am still learning not to cling to the ones I love
I have learned about death and life
I have learned about fear
But I have learned that I can't let fear stop my voice
I have mostly learned that I will never know enough.

Oh, Yes I Did!

2010-03-13T13:40:00.000-08:00

I have a bit of a rant so I thought I would just get it out here.

I am an adult, yes I am. I may live with my parents at this time but I am 22 freaking years old. I got my ass most of the way through college without one bad grade or problem. I did have to come home, but you know what? I feel better than I have ever in my life.

I feel that I have worth and that I am a good person. In fact I KNOW I am a good person. I have never smoked anything, never done any drugs of any sort, never contracted an STD, never cheated on a boyfriend. Lets see, I have never caused a car accident, I stand up for the underdog, I strive for equality, and I generally practice what I preach. In fact the person that I have treated the worst over the years has been me.

I do have a drink every once in a while. In fact this week I have had drinks with my best friend at his apartment with no plans to drive twice. Neither of us were remotely drunk or anything. We made cosmos and watched stand up comedy or sat around chatting. There is nothing wrong with this. In fact we were being responsible.

However it has gotten back to my parents that I drink alot. Obviously, I don't. This week is pretty much the only time I have really had alcohol more than one night.

The hardest part about this is that I find myself at odds with my little sister. I have always felt tremendous love for her and have frequently out myself in harms way for her. Whether it was taking a few punches or taking responsibility for a common prank with our parent. She was the one to pass on the word that I drink, not to mention my own words and those of others about how ridiculous they were being about my so called drinking problem. Not to mention that we were discussing it over twitter. Neither of my parent have or want twitter, they don't even understand it!

IDIOT. I think she may have just burned her last bridge to me. I have spent the last six months feeling like the outsider in my own home because of her enabling her fiances rudeness. I live here. These are my parent. Stop trying to cause drama and create issues. I know that your situation isn't what you would like it to be but that is NO reason to put me in their cross-hairs. This is the last thing they should be worrying about.

So wish me luck in my search for a full time job and my own place. I can and will stand on my own without people pulling me down and throwing me under the bus.

A New Direction

2009-10-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

In the last few weeks I have had a couple really interesting experiences and I am reminded more and more that life is a journey. Since all my friends are back in school and I here about it just by logging into Facebook I could really avoid the depression and sense that I had lost my way. I didn't realize just how much that was impacting my mental state until I went on a little journey.

I joined the young adults group at my parents church, partly to keep said parents happy and partly to increase my social quotient. I haven't been getting out much lately. Basically it is a small group of people(4) out of high school but not settled down yet. My friend Marsea is part of the group, we graduated together and have always got along. She was with me when I went to my first straight bar!

We have only met a few times and our last meeting was an outing to go for a walk in a labyrinth. We drove out the Gorge not too far from Vista House to Presbyterian retreat center called Menucha that is on a gorgeous bit of property donated by the Meier part of Meier and Frank. It is in a forested area and there are gardens and paths and plenty outdoor activities including a pool overlooking the river.

I don't know if everyone will know what a Labyrinth is but it is kind of a maze that you can't get lost in. You follow the path as it moves back and forth and around until you reach the center. Many ancient cultures used specific patterns of them as decoration as well as the real ones.

We walked quietly surrounded by nature and peace and meditated on whatever needed to be meditated on. I just walked and let my mind go to the place it does when I free-write. Countless thoughts ran through my head but the overwhelming majority lead me to feel a sense of peace. I could use the labyrinth to echo my life. I may not be going in the direction I think I should be going but if I keep going I will end up where I am meant to. It might look like I'm never going to get there but unexpectedly I will reach the center.

I think it was also a metaphor for my mental state. I have been dealing with alot of issues mentally including a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). I could see that my thoughts and emotions swirl around and take me in many different directions up and down, happy, sad. Even the problems with attention keep me from going straight to the center of what I need to do. Yet, somehow I ended up in the middle eventually with a calm center and less guilt.

2009-10-19T21:13:00.001-07:00

This is a hint of blogs to come

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Koko...I Miss You!

2009-08-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

So just to give readers a chance to leave the page this post is probably going to be depressing and possibly disturbing. Disturbing mostly to animal lovers. I give you my permission to turn away and find something happier to read.

Today we took Koko, a 14 year old shar-pei to the veterinarian to be euthanized. She has been with us for about 11 1/2 years. She was the funniest thing you ever saw with wrinkles and and squishy smoochie face. She loved to run around the back yard and bark at the cars going by. I always felt safe while walking with her, she took on a pair of ginormous rotties once. She wasn't always the most obedient but she wasn't bad. She just wanted to do what she wanted to do. Catlike I guess. But she was so sweet.

In the last year she has been getting senile and sometimes confused. Her health stayed good but in the last couple months was deteriorating. She started eating less and losing weight. When we took her to the vet they couldn't find anything wrong. She just declined more and more. She didn't eat for about a week. So we made the decision to put her out of pain and let her go.

Here comes the more disgusting part.

I had to lift her frail body into and out of the car. She walked into the exam room and we got her to lay on the blanket spread out on the floor. Over the last few months she had lost about 15 pounds and looked slightly skeletal. I cried just looking at her.

The vet came in and explained what was supposed to happen but didn't. She tried both front legs but Koko's blood pressure was so low that the injection wouldn't go in. An assistant was brought in and they tried one back leg. All through this Becca and I were holding her and trying to let her know it would be ok. She just kept struggling. She never liked having her feet handled. Finally the last leg was tried. The needle was yet again forced under her skin and into her vein. She cried and cried the whole time the needle was in.

Her heart stopped within 30 seconds.

We sat there surrounding our beloved pet sobbing. We tried to find and give solace at the same time without success. There were barely any spasms after she passed. Less than I thought actually. Only her lip twitched in memory of life. Her body cooled quickly, and color left her lips.

I think I will need to purge this from my mind for a while before I can think about it without crying.

I just wish she hadn't died crying. The whole point of this was to end her life before it got any worse.

Goodbye Koko, Rest in Peace and give 'em Hell in Heaven. I'll miss you smoochie face

Longest Blog Ever!

2009-07-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

I just weighed myself and I have now lost 5 pounds since starting the South Beach Diet. I think I could be doing better if I could just get off my ass and start walking. It is really difficult for me, but I have been doing better, any progress is better than none.

I should be getting my CES machine this week and I can't wait to start giving it a shot! I can't remember if I let it out that I have ADD. I was just diagnosed with it in the last month. I have been reading about it and trying to decide how I feel about it and I have decided that I can't let it stop me. I just need to find different ways of coping than I have been using before. Time for some hard work! I have also decided that I want to do as much of this without drugs as I can. I met with my doctor and she agrees. She is against starting adults on stimulants without serious thought or discussion, because there is such a risk of addiction. That, and there isn't a whole lot of research on what ritalin and adderol do in the adult brain, at least not as much as in children.

I have been trying to reach out to a few people I haven't spoken to in a while to see if they want to start walking with me. It has been really hard but I just need to make a new support group for myself. I don't need toxic influences on my life and that is what I had before. I didn't even know it! Now I do and I am NOT going to let that happen to me again.

This weekend was really interesting for me. We went to the coast and one of my sister's friends came along with us. I had a really hard time with the stress and the people. I wanted to come home partway into the first day! Dad decided he wouldn't let me run and so I had to deal. I did. Mostly. The Fourth was the worst and the best. We spent the morning hanging out in the campground then we headed out to visit family. Two groups of our family were at the coast as well. It was great to see them! I LOVE my family and they are such a great support for and I did well with the groups even though there were a couple strangers at one house we went to.

Later that night is when things got hairy. Mom dragged us down on the beach to watch the fireworks. It was seriously NUTS! There were a ton of people drinking yelling and setting off fireworks. I had asked to stay in the trailer, but Mom started sighing and frowning so I knew she would be pissed if i stayed whether or not she said I could. I said I would go so long as people didn't leave me alone and they didn't let me get lost in the crowd. As soon as we got out of the car guess what happened? I was left by the side of the road while they trotted on ahead. Dad came back and walked with me and told mom that she needed to slow down.

We eventually found a spot in the sand to set up our blankets and all the way there I was in full panic mode. I was hyperventilating, crying, and sweating, the WHOLE TIME! Mom just ignored me when I asked if we could stay near the edge and went on wading in to find us a spot. It was HORRIBLE! Then Mom started in on how proud she was of me and all that crap, gah! I am not going to do that again for a long while! I have to make my own decisions even if it is going to piss Mom off. We couldn't even see the real fireworks because of the fog!

Enough of that! I am doing better now and am trying to look ahead not back.

Oh, I also think I might start writing again. I have an idea for a story that I really think other people would enjoy. Now I just need to get myself to do the actual writing! UGH!

Interesting Insight

2009-07-05T21:24:00.000-07:00

I was trolling the internet for inspiration and came across a reference to a Celtic Zodiac system. I checked it out and there are some faults with it. There are no written records of many pieces of it but basically they made it similar to other zodiac systems. I think it is pretty sweet.

My birthday is in late August so I fall in the Hazel category. It is split into two categories and I think I actually fall into the first one even though I was born in the second half of the sign. I was due two weeks before I was actually born so I wonder if that has something to do with it. There are others that I know that are in similar situation, they fit in a different sign or category than they are officially placed.

Once I started reading about this stuff my brain really got working. I had so many ideas. I have always had a fascination with tattoos and have really been thinking of incorporating some of the imagery from the Celtic system into my tattoos, when I get them. In my sign there is a Salmon and a Crane connection both of which I had actually thought about before. I definately think I want a celtic inspired tattoo, but I don't know exactly what yet. I have to get a big payday to afford any tattoos though :)

If you want to check out your Celtic Zodiac this is a pretty good site.

On and On...Going

2009-06-27T19:35:00.000-07:00

This has been a great week on some levels. I am feeling good about myself more and more, even though the scale is being stubborn and not reflecting the changes I am noticing. Mostly my legs seem thinner and my belly is not quite as bulbous as it had been. I think some of the reason the scale isn't changing is that I don't really have good habits about when I measure my weight. I'm bad at schedules...

I do tend to go on carb binges and so far I've only done that a couple time since starting this whole South Beach thing. Last night included...Ooops. There were wheat thins in the house and I have no tool to say no to those. But I did well today and even went for a long hike. I took Gleep and we went for about 40-50mins up the Crown Zellerbach Trail. It follows an old logging/railroad bed up the Scappoose/Vernonia Hwy. It isn't officially open but many people use it and have used it for ages. It goes way up into the hills but it isn't very steep so it was great for us. I forgot to grab the pedometer so I have no idea the distance we walked but it was pretty considerable.

Oh and I have a great tip I heard from one of the salespeople at No Skinny, my new favorite clothes store. If you deal with chafing between the thighs or other places, a liberal application of baby oil really helps. I had no issues with that on my hike today.

I think that is about it for now...Yeah!

2009-06-24T20:22:00.001-07:00

Cuddling with my boy

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Holding On

2009-06-22T18:23:00.000-07:00

I refuse to go under. The last couple days I have felt like there was a tsunami coming and it definitely did. I ate out twice at restaurants I thought would work, but didn't, performed an a concert with a ginormous audience all without a huge breakdown. Dad switched spots with me so that I could sit by someone I know during our wait during the first half of the concert. He also held my hand and helped me sort of dash out of the emptying auditorium. That milling around and general chaos is not easy for me to handle.

I will also say that I am pissed that one of my favorite restaurants in St. Helens is not South Beach friendly. We went there as a family and there weren't any dressings or condiments I could make into a dressing on a salad. I could have don't some type of omelet but I am a hash brown junkie so it would have been difficult to turn that down. So I went with an asian chicken salad figuring I could handle a bit of a salad dressing no-no. It was HORRIBLE, the dressing was watery and flavorless, the grilled chicken I had requested instead of the breaded tenderloin was dry, and the lettuce was browning. They comped me something else, but by that time I was so pissed I just got a Cobb salad and said to heck with it. Pig n Pancake is also not that great although once I'm off phase one it will be alot better, they offer buckwheat pancakes and have a large variety of omelets. I think I will be eat many omelets when I'm out to eat.

Today I think the combination of all those things plus the lack of weightloss, and my inability to exercise hit me pretty hard. I felt like I was drowning all day. I wasnted to go for another hike today, even though it's cloudy, but the extreme chafing(chub-rub)on my inner thighs makes even walking around the house painful. I will be going shopping for better exercise clothes this week. I think that will make it better so that I can get hiking again, once I heal.

Thanks to all of those who are supporting me through all of this. I could not do it without you. THANK YOU!

2009-06-22T14:53:00.001-07:00

Gleep during a really long walk

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New Technology

2009-06-17T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have been going to therapy for my depression and anxiety and in the process have found out that I also have Attention Deficit Disorder(ADD). This wasn't something that I have ever considered even in the remote corners of my paranoid mind. So I did research...alot of research. I spoke to people and spoke to my family and others that know about mental health. There are many people who have ADD that lead great lives undiagnosed for ages. One person I spoke to was fifty when she had a melt-down similar to mine. She had raised two children, one with mental health problems, had a great career as a lawyer, and generally had a successful life. After her meltdown she had alot of issues with depression and anxiety and turned into a hermit until she could cope with her problems. She is now living a very successful life again. Hearing this, I am hopeful that I can deal with this. I'm just not sure how long it will take me to get under control. I'm just not sure how long it will take.

I asked my psychologist what my options were for treatment, and if there were options that we could pursue without pharmaceuticals. I don't really like taking them, but if I need to I will. I am already on an anti-depressant and I'm not sure that I want to add another drug to the mix. She suggested a few books that outlined dietary and herbal forms of treatment and then started talking about a really cool piece of technology.

She had gone to a seminar from a company called Allevia Health, Inc. They make an amazing product called Alpha-Stim. It is an electrical machine that you attach to your ears and it puts waves through your brain. It is amazing. It is FDA approved for depression anxiety and insomnia but there a a ton of studies going on with migraines, pain, and many brain disorders. There is a ton of information on their website.

My psychologist started talking about her experience with one and asked if I wanted to try it. I wore the machine for about half and hour during my session and I could tell there was a difference. I felt more relaxed, rational, and calm. In just that short amount of time. She gave me the company's name and website so I checked them out as soon as I got home yesterday and called my insurance company today. They cover it! Without much hassle too! So as soon as I can I will be getting my machine and stimulating my troubles away.

Seriously, if you have depression, anxiety, or insomnia, check it out!

A Fresh Start

2009-06-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

Here I am victorious after a couple of days of crap. The diet has gone well so far, I have only had a bite of a carrot(on accident) and ate some fat free frozen yogurt at Costco. It had sugar in it, but it was infinitely better than the hot dogs or any other offering on the menu. Once I can have whole grains I would have the turkey wrap but...anywho.

The crap I speak of is of a personal sort. There has been a blowup coming of a grand sort between be and my former best friend. He hasn't acted as my best friend for some time. A couple months actually, but I was putting up with it. I figured that he was my only support through all of my issues.

It turns out that my anxiety is too big a deal for him to deal with and the tactics my psychologist and I are working on are to him, incorrect. This is bull shit. He may work in the mental health field but that does NOT make him right. I have a right to have my own journey and my own path without my best friend belittling me and putting down my effort.

I may not always be the most pleasant person to be around and owing to my anxiety and depression I'm complicated(not that I wasn't always) but recently it has been worse. I would have been in counseling at least a month earlier if it had not been for a broken promise from him. But this doesn't give him the right to tell my that I am doing this wrong. I am trying to hold myself together and hold my head high. It is really hard for me to do this. It doesn't make it any easier when the one person you thought would always be there turns his back on you and tells you it is your own fault.

I am done! I make my own rules and I can choose the people who support me. I know who they are now. in the last few days I have gotten more words of encouragement from complete strangers or people I haven't seen in over a year than I have from my best friend. I need a clean break and he isn't giving it to me. Every few hours he comes up with some other point to make and harasses me about it. Even though I have asked him to leave me alone unless he can be positive. It is over. I am through being belittled and chastised for a disease I am working on beating.

I have lost a pound in the last two days and I am feeling so good about myself. It was surprising to note that I was barely upset when all this went down after the initial blow up.

I am becoming stronger in mind spirit and body and I am strong enough to keep going.

And I will!

2009-06-13T12:38:00.001-07:00

Turkey, ricotta, and tomato salad roll! Yum!

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2009-06-13T10:24:00.001-07:00

My first scramble of my South Beach days

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2009-06-10T14:49:00.001-07:00

My sweet Gleep!

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Constipation?

2009-06-10T14:32:00.000-07:00

It turns out I suck at blogging...I think I already knew that. It also turns out that Maggie was not pregnant! She was constipated and had a cold... So we got her through the antibiotics and on a high fiber diet and sent her back to the Humane society. Now we are hoping they will send us a new cat. One that is actually pregnant! We loves kitties!

In pet related news I got myself a dog! He came with the name Benny but I wanted to give him a name that fit him and me better. His new name is Gleep! Named after the baby dragon from Robert Lynn Aspirin's Myth Adventures series. He is a three year old yorkshire terrier/ chihuahua mix and weighs about eight pounds. He is super sweet! He does have issues though...

His story is a sad one: He spent the first two years of his life outside on a chain. The lady I rescued him from found him at a vet and offered to foster him and find him a new home. He was emaciated and completely matted with nails so over-grown they were starting to grow into the bottom of his pads. He spent the first few months shaking.

He is sorta territorial and will lunge at Koko although he is mostly good with other dogs. He came to me housetrained and off leash trained. We just need to work on barking and obedience. He sits, some of the time, but not often. I will start blogging pictures soon.

I am also joining my brother and sister in law in a weight loss pact. I can't wait! I am ready to be smaller and healthier and I am sure that weighing less and being able to do things will make it easier to deal with my depression

Yea...I know

2009-04-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

Hey! I'm still alive and kicking, well, maybe not kicking. I threw my back out lifting some laundry so I am taking everything slow and keeping kicking to a minimum. We have a foster kitty that we renamed Maggie, see post below. She is pregnant and should be popping about any moment. She recently started producing milk and you can feel that her abdomen in tight and can feel babies inside. Yay! we can't wait!

We think that she might be deaf. she doesn't react to sound but will startle if you all of a sudden come into view or if she notices you out of no where. She is a sweetheart and we are all enjoying having her here and helping her to get comfortable with people since she was a stray.

I am still looking for work and stuff but I'm doing a bit better on the anxiety front. Just a little but it makes a difference.

I will start blogging again. I'm cooking more and will be posting some of my recipes and various other things food, cat, and life related.

2009-04-17T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is a test of the mobile blogging service

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How It Goes

2009-03-10T23:24:00.000-07:00

*RANT ALERT*
I spend the next number of paragraphs venting and ranting and although I mean every word I may not have ever spoken them aloud and may never. But they needed to be out of my head. So here they landed. You have my permission to skip right past this if you wish and go about your day.

Started meds last Thursday and my Doctor said that I might start to feel the effects about now and I think I might have. According to Dad I kept my cool more than I have been able to in the past while arguing. I admit that I did, but I am not as quick to point the finger at my meds, I really want to be able to point the finger at myself. I hate that I have to have some pharmaceutical in my system for someone to recognize my control.

I have HAD to control my every action and reaction for years. Our family has been tap dancing around the fact that one of us is crazy and now it is catching. I have got it! I want to give it back! Maybe it should be ok for ME to be the problem for once. Maybe people shouldn't blame me because I am over sensitive, maybe some people could, I don't know, HELP me? Not, say "This is what always happens" or "Well they are having a hard time too" Really?! NO SHIT! But I have ALWAYS been the one to apologize first, the first one to take the first step toward reconciliation, the first one to reach out, and I am tired of it. Actually, I am just TIRED. Why should I make excuses for people who can't speak a civil word to me, or may hold a grudge because someone they care about threatened me and I have a problem with it? Don't I deserve protection? I'm done.

I'm not going to cut ties and shit like that, but people need to know that I am a human too. I cannot afford to be the one to end this right now. I have enough problems of my own to deal with to waste time on someone who is too immature to even consider that I might be falling apart.

I was also informed that SOMEONE believes that people have always had to tiptoe around me, that MY anger and MY lack of decency has negatively impacted ALL of my relationships and that I should be grateful for the ones that haven't disintegrated completely. Yeah, so the behavior that YOU see maybe would, but I can relax and be myself away from home so my friends know the real me and would freak out at the way that I behave here. They would also understand, because they believe that I can actually tell when someone is being unfair or unjust, they don't think that I am hallucinating or unable to tell what people are saying to me and what they mean by the words they are saying.

This nervy emotional wreck is NOT me! I am the one that everyone can count on to be there when the chips are down. I have helped too many friends through breakups and deaths and life for this to be me! I am tired of it...I just want to be back to the happy and caring me.

That is all for now,

Update

2009-02-20T15:09:00.000-08:00

I am writing this blog to the soundtrack of Need For Speed Most Wanted and children giggling and playing in high pitched sounds. For those of my readers who I am NOT staying with, I am at my brother's house. My sister-in-law graciously invited me to stay with them to give me a chance to get my feet planted and have a break. It was something I very much needed.

This time away from home and school has been lovely and I have gotten to know my amazing sister-in-law sooo much better. I have always known that she is an amazing person but after spending almost two weeks with her I KNOW it. In speaking with her I have begun to think about my future in a different way. I can make my own choices and whatever choice I make I will have family and friends that will support me.

I am excited to announce that I will be joining the collaborative team on a new blog. It is a jump off from a Facebook group H.A.Ters. When things get cooking over there I will add it to my links and such, so keep an eye out.

By Request

2009-02-04T14:35:00.001-08:00

So this blog has been percolating for about a month. Not necessarily in blog form but I figured since I was putting the time into it I may as well blog it. Also, I am procrastinating on packing I thought I would finish it. A friend of mine recently asked for my advise on what pet to get her daughter. I guess she thought I was the right person to ask because I love animals and children and spend enormous amounts of time on the internet...or something. Her daughter is almost eight, the family has never had a pet, they don't have a fenced backyard, and the dad is allergic to cats. with these facts in mind I began my search.

I love pets, if I could get away with living in a zoo I would. I think raising children to respect and admire animals is the way to go but safety needs to come first. Children cannot be held solely responsible for their pets, they are only children, but I believe it is important to give kids something to take care of, and a pet works wonderfully.

Here is a break down of my recommendations:

Fish: I love fish for kids, they are fun to watch and and based on the type need relatively little care. However based on the tank and type of fish the water needs to be changed and filters and tanks cleaned which is something that a child shouldn't and probably can't do on their own. Also children aren't able to exactly cuddle or interact with fish in the way they could with a dog.

My top recommendations for fish bearing in mind price and availability are bettas or goldfish. For more information about bettas visit thiswebsite. I would recommend keeping bettas in small tanks, not a vase or something like that unless you can keep the temperature warm, 75 degrees or above, as they tend to get sluggish or even ill if kept at lower temperatures. Although, if you keep your house warm enough it may work. Goldfish are my other recommendation. You can find some really good information on them here The temperature for gold fish isn't as important, but they are messy so they need about 10 gallons per fish you are planning on keeping. part of the water needs to be changed frequently but I haven't found it necessary to use some of the additives mentioned on the site. You can feed them flakes of any type of "goldfish food" it is also fun to put bits of other foods in the tank like frozen peas or other vegetables, they gobble it up!

Rodents: I personally don't know much about rodents but in doing my research I found that some rodents are better than others although kids need to be supervised with all animals. One that seems particularly good is the Guinea Pig. There are many different types of coats and colors. They have very specific dietary needs but once you get those correct they stay fairly healthy. For more information look here. Guinea pigs are recommended because children can handle them and they rarely bite, and they make cute noises and will learn to recognize you and whistle or talk to you when they hear you coming. Their cages need to be clean fairly frequently but it isn't very difficult. Rats are also a popular choice but they tend to be messy and can easily escape for a young child I don't recommend them. Hamsters are my other recommendation they are curious and active and fun to watch. for information on look here. The dwarf varieties are cute but as they are small they tend to be easily frightened and bite more frequently. There are plenty of cage option but things to bear in mind are ease of access, security (if a hamster can fit its head through it can escape), spaciousness, and ease of cleaning.

Who Knew?

2009-02-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be one of THOSE people. I have been pretending to have my shit together for way too long and it has finally caught up with me.

I quit school. Actually I just withdrew. I keep telling myself it is just for the term but I don't really know. I do know that I love school and I don't harbor resentments against anyone here but I have to leave.

I hide my panic and depression too well apparently but it has gotten to the point where it is clear on my face just how sad and overwhelmed I am. I went around and talked to most of my professors today and I was surprised my the support from a number of them. i expected they would tell me to get well or look at me like I crawled out from under a log...but I got hugs and encouragement from everyone I spoke too.

One in particular really touched me. Dr Micheal Burch-Pesses is the head of the music department and my advisor. He teaches band so I don't really get a lot of in-class exposure to him but he is impressed by my preparations for our meetings I generally come to him with a list of the classes I need to take just so that I make sure I won't forget them. He heard me sing solo for the first time at the end of last semester and I was incredibly honored by his feedback. This is a man who was the head of the Navy Band! He told me my control of pitch was incredible and that he couldn't wait to hear where the years would take me. He also gave my his personal card, not just the one with his email and school voice mail box number but one with his home number and told me that if I needed anything, anything at all, that I should call him. He also said something about getting me a music scholarship if and when I return. And followed it up with a huge hug and a handshake for my father.

Wow! it was a really rough day and now I have to pack and get ready to move back out of here with everything I own and move back home. This is going to be a hard road but I think I made the right decision. Three panic attacks in as many days is just not going to work for me.

Enough of that for now, I may or may not write about my journey on but I needed to put this out there.

And, check this out! Hilarious videos! I especially enjoy I Hate Drake, Stairway to Winnipeg, and Mortified: Bookworm.

Across The Universe

2008-12-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine tagged me to do this. I actually kind of like to do these sorts of things because I have some strange music on my computer although not much of the strange stuff came up in this one...

1. Put your iTunes/iPod on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

What is your motto?
Finale- Wicked

What do your friends think of you?
Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves- Eurythmics

What do you think about very often?
Nella Fantasia- Celtic Women

What is 2+2?
Seventeen Ain't So Sweet- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

What do you think of your best friend?
Now is the Month of Maying- King Singers

What do you think of the person you like?
Pandemonium- 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

What is your life story?
Such Great Heights- Iron and Wine

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Anna Molly- Incubus

What do you think when you see the person you like?
O Vos Omnes- Carlo Gesualdo

What do your parents think of you?
Break Me Shake Me- Savage Garden

What will you dance to at your wedding?
Ave Mundi Rosa- Waverly Consort

What will they play at your funeral?
At The Ceili- Celtic Women

What is your hobby/interest?
If You're Gonna- Natasha Bedingfield

What is your biggest secret?
The Bonny Swans- Loreena McKennit

What do you think of your friends?
Inside Out- Hoobastank

What’s the worst thing that could happen?
Hero- SuperChick

How will you die?
Harder to Breathe- Maroon 5

What is the one thing you regret?
I've Got You Under My Skin- Stan Freburg

What makes you laugh?
Thorn In My Side- Eurythmics

What makes you cry?
Strange World- Sarah McLachlan

Will you ever get married?
Faithfully- Journey

What scares you the most?
Siuil A run (walk my love)- Celtic Women

Does anyone like you?
Now That We're Done- Metrostation

If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Good Morning Baltimore- Hairspray

What hurts right now?
Save Your Love For Me- New York Voices

What will you post this as?
Across The Universe- Soundtrack

Becca's Senior Picture Shoot

2008-12-21T17:23:00.000-08:00

My sister needed senior pictures and because of the weather was unable to get to a studio so I took my little digital camera and we went out and took them in the snowy outdoors. I was super happy with how they turned out. My mom even paid me!! That makes me a professional, HA! I'm super happy with how they turned out. If you would like to see them on their own go to my picasa album This album also includes pictures of our house in the snow this week I am updating it with more from today.

16 Things

2008-12-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

Once you’ve been tagged, you have to write a note with 16 random things, shortcomings, facts, habits or goals about you. At the end choose 16 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I can pretty much quote Princess Bride in its entirety.

2. I love to cook but I am way too lazy to do it all the time, but if I could there would be weeks that I wouldn't leave the kitchen. This is one of the reasons I love the holidays so much, it's and excuse to cook.

3. The religious beliefs I hold are vastly different from the ones I was raised with and I worry that if some people knew they would disown me.

4. I worry about everything sometimes to the extent that it immobilizes me.

5. I dream and talk big, but plan for a smaller outcome.

6. I do not understand hatred. Mostly on a grand scale, I can kind of understand it on a personal level but against an entire race or nation...I have no comprehension of how that works.

7. Anytime I see a dog I can usually guess the breed, or at least partially if it is a mutt.

8. I have kitten envy!

9. Sometimes I snort when I laugh or I will get this creepy old man whistle laugh if I am holding it in.

10. I love fantasy novels...

11. I am never 100% satisfied with anything I do, I just get to a point where I can't care anymore.

12. I giggle uncontrollably at things no one else finds funny...often it's in class...or some other quiet place with lots of other people...I can't seem to control it.

13. I want to make others happy.

14. If you want to stay on my good side, don't assume I can't do something that doesn't fit in my gender role. I can swing a hammer and miter with the best of them.

15. I licked a slug when I was ten then have done it a few times since just to prove that I would do it.

16. House fires scare me SO bad. I start shaking just imagining it.

I tag anyone who reads this, just let me know if you do it! Oh and Allie there you go I did it!

Soo-oop Beau-ootiful Sooo-oop

2008-12-13T14:59:00.000-08:00

So I made this awesome pumpkin soup yesterday and I just had to share. Becca dubbed it "Pumpkin Pie in a Pot." I modified a recipe that I found on the interwebs and I found the changes I made to make and awesome soup. The original recipe is called "Velvety Pumpkin Soup with Blue Cheese and Bacon" I substituted swiss for blue and messed with the spices but it ROCKS here's the recipe. My changes will be marked in [brackets].

2(15 ounce) cans pumpkin [or 1 29 ounce can]
1 quart chicken stock
1 cup half and half [I used skim evaporated milk]
1 shallot, minced [I plain omitted this, we didn't have shallots]
1/4 cup molasses [I added a quarter cup brown sugar for additional sweetness]
2 tablespoons butter
1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice [I used a combination of ginger, cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg and all totaled about 2 teaspoons worth, what can I say, I like spices]
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
6 slices bacon [we only had turkey bacon]
1 cup crumbled blue cheese [grated swiss]

Stir together the pumpkin, chicken stock, half-and-half, shallot, molasses, butter, pumpkin pie spice, salt, and cayenne pepper in a large stock pot over low heat; simmer 10 minutes

Meanwhile, place bacon in a large skillet over medium high heat, and cook until crispy; remove to paper towels to drain, then cool and crumble.

Ladle Soup into bowls. Top with bacon and cheese.

Jizz In My Pants

2008-12-08T23:33:00.001-08:00

A Finals Week Belly Laugh

2008-12-03T15:52:00.000-08:00

I was sent link to this video and just about wet myself with glee. So friggin amazing. Enjoy!!!!!

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

In Order to Un-Disconcert

2008-11-20T14:06:00.003-08:00

In accordance with the will of my dear sister-in-law I am posting a new blog. In thinking about what to post, I thought about music theory and how it relates to life(dry), a poem(slightly depressing), and a silly chain blog-thing.

So here is the blog thing...

Respond by posting your name and:

1. I'll respond with something random about you.
2. I'll tell you which song or movie you remind me of.
3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle you in.
4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll ask you something I've always wondered about you.
8. I'll tell you my favorite thing about you.
9. I'll tell you my least favorite thing about you.
10. Post it on your profile so you can play with your friends.

Here is part of a poem-thing that I wrote when I was getting in the head of a character I am writing about:

Squelching and complaining at her interference, the grasses snip and nibble along her arms and neck as the panic blossoms.
Heart pounds, ears ringing, palms sweating and her dilated eyes scan for signs of his passge but the lone girl glimpses only the swirling flight of the bats and swallows.
Her fingers grasp the reeds, knuckles whitening.
The blood dripping is invisible to her.
Her other hand tangles in her curls as she lifts her face to the moon and cries.
Her tears wash away the hope and anticipation of this secret rendezvous, they wash away the hope of a heart torn and stapled back together.
Sanity drips off the plains of her cheeks and runs in rivulets down her pumping chest which bellows air in the shape of a cry of ultimate suffering.
Her poor tattered soul is weary-her hand unfurls from her hair as those red-rimmed and tortured eyes reach the horizon.
Her pupils contract and she is able to take a breath, her knuckles unlock and fingers unclench and she wipes the remnants of her unrealistic expectations away with a blood soaked hand leaving war-paint streaks across her suddenly calm face...

Photo!

2008-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

I took this picture on a trip to the coast with the family. I took it with my little digital camera and I actually really love how it turned out. I was thinking about submitting it to a photo contest, but I haven't really decided yet. I am looking at different contest but if anyone has any ideas which one I should enter let me know.

I really really like how the focus turned out especially since I wasnt sure how that would work out with the camera I have.

Anyways, I am heading home this weekend. Hope ya'all have a good one!

Trying

2008-10-06T00:45:00.000-07:00

I have decided to try and write every night. I have recently started writing poetry again and some of them are trying to become songs. So, I am trying to keep that creative side of my brain flowing by priming it every night. I have found that keeping a journal and blogging helped me with that. After even the minuscule blog with the video below I wrote some really cool stuff. I don't promise to write, and definitely don't promise to share it here, but I will endeavor to do something like that.

It seems like relationships are catching around here. So many of the people I spend time with are in or on their way to being in relationships. I spend a lot of time thinking about that sort of thing and have blogged about it in the past. I try not to agonize and stress over relationships and my lack of one but I frequently fail. I don't think that I really want to be in a relationship right now, no I'm am a liar, I do. I also know that it wouldn't be fair to whomever to only get a tiny part of my time.

As I have gone through this semester so far Clayton and I have stayed super close and he visits me quite often. Now for those drive-by readers, Clayton is my best friend in the whole world. He is also gay, so there is nothing romantic between us. We are really codependent though and are not quiet about how much we love each other. Moving on...apparently there was a guy who was somewhat interested in me who heard me talking about Clayton and possibly even heard me on the phone with him saying "I love you!" This freaked him out and even after he heard that Clayton is gay still frightened him. In this specific situation I didn't mind having him back off, I am not at all interested in him. Besides, any guy in my life is just going to have to understand that Music and Clayton come first.

So take that!

I keep telling myself that the time will come and I will find someone to love. I also have to tell the voice that says I am deluding myself to shut up and shove it. I also look at myself and my life realize I am where I need to be and doing what I need to do. If I were to add anymore stress or complications to my life I wouldn't necessarily do so well.

That is all for now. Clayton is on his way to catch up on Heroes!!!! Yay!

Roxette - Crash! Boom! Bang!

2008-10-05T01:36:00.001-07:00

So I was just catching up on some family time when I all of a sudden remembered Roxette. I remember listening to this song with my big brother. He was a major influence in my early life and in some of my music choices. I just though I would post a video.

I specifically remember road trips with music blaring in the car singing along with whatever he was listening to. So big brother, this one is for you!

Keeping Above the Tide

2008-09-12T23:25:00.001-07:00

I apologize in advance for the randomness and general disorganization of this post. I am having a scatterbrain moment.

Here we are, it's the first month of school and I have already dealt with strep throat and plenty of stress. I'm still trying to find a way to keep myself organized, but, as usual, am failing miserable. Not really, I am completely exaggerating. I just wish I could keep myself a bit more organized.

I am loving all of my classes except physics, although I think once I get my textbook it will go much easier for me.

Um, random....I am the Assistant Stage Manager for the fall show entitled "The Independent Female or A Man Has His Pride" a melodrama about feminism and the roles of men and women in society. The cast is great and I am having fun playing Rosencrantz, to our Stage Manager's Guildenstern(or is it the other way around). We are great friends and always give each other a hard time to the great enjoyment of the cast and director.

Yay!

Sometimes the only way I can get through the week or day is to think of my life like a musical. There is already music(I need to work on the choreography a bit more) and plenty of both comedy and drama. There are situations of slapstick type hilarity, including tonight: during the clean up from the theater department mixer Sarah and I put away a table and it was one of those moments where everything goes wrong. First, we were on the wrong side of the table in order to carry it. Then, we were facing each other not in the same direction. So both of us taking matters in out own hands both proceeded to turn around so we were facing away from each other. Maddie, one of our friends, was looking on and cracking up so then we both realized what had happened and could barely pick up the table we were laughing so hard.

This is what happens all the time. especially when Sarah and I are together, and increasingly when Maddie is together. Sometimes we even speak with the same words and pitches, at the same time. It's pretty funny, at least to us.

Um, that's all for now, I think.

Oh, Jinks may be going to a new home. Clayton is starting school again and now lives farther away from both his job and his school so Jinks wouldn't get the attention and time he deserves. I will miss the little bugger. I guess Clayton and I will have to wait to have out own little gay family. Ha! Look below for a picture of our happy family.

Clarification and Clarity

2008-08-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

I was asked a number of remarkably similar questions and given similar advise from various people after they read my blog or heard the story. So I have a rebuttal, sort of.

First of all, I didn't really know what I was drinking, at least that it was so strong... I should have asked I know, but I thought it was ok. I seriously didn't intend on getting so drunk, and I thought it was clear.

Second of all, I should have been eating to stave off some of the effects of the alcohol, I know, but as a poor defense, I wasn't buying anything... not drinks or anything.

Thirdly, Clayton would like me to make it absolutely clear that he is not an idiot for letting me get that drunk OR kissing me. In his defense, he says he just wanted me to have a good time, which I did, and have a great 21st birthday experience.

Lastly, I did have fun, alot of fun. The drag show was awesome and I had so much fun hanging out with Clayton. I just did not enjoy the feeling of having no control over myself and where my feet went.

Moving on...

I just moved back onto campus and I am already feeling better. I had been a bit depressed this summer, but being in my own space, in an environment that supports my drive to learn and grow has already lifted a weight off my shoulders. Classes start in the morning and I am so excited about the things to come in this school year, lets all just hope that I can hold it together. Luckily I thrive under pressure.

I am taking 18 credits and a handful of non-credit classes but all really exciting classes. They include: Introduction to US Politics(which uses Jon Stewart's America as a text), Physics of Everyday Phenomena, Acting 1: Fundamentals, Music Theory 1, Lessons in Voice, Concert Choir, Basic Conducting, Recital Attendance, Jazz Choir, Functional Piano, Woodwind Methods, and possibly Chamber Singers(if I get in). In addition to classes I am looking for a job and will be stage managing one of the main stage productions this year, and working with Lunchbox Theater. I CAN'T WAIT!!!

It is so great looking forward to the future and spending time with my friends. I just can't wait to get started.

Wish me luck!

My Birthday!

2008-08-22T01:11:00.000-07:00

This is the story of my experience as I remember it on my 21st birthday, last night. It may not be what happened or flattering to me, but the story had to be told, it is too funny to pass up. I am also prefacing this with a solemn oath that I will never get that drunk again. I mean it. I hated it. Well, you will see.

The night started out well, Clayton and I were both kind of nervously excited. I was worried what I would be like drunk and praying that I wouldn't make a fool out of myself. I am, in case you didn't already know, a good girl; when I say good girl, think squeaky clean. I hadn't ever been drunk before my 21st, don't do drugs, am...lets say chaste, and generally want to please people. So...I was scared shit less.

Before we hit Red Cap Clayton made me start guzzling Mike's, since he wanted me to have a good buzz on. I was super nervous when we got there and everyone was nice and I started off the night in good spirits (ha ha, I didn't even mean to have a pun there). I drank something blue that was pretty strong but tasted good, which to me means that I can't taste the alcohol I think we did a shot of tequila and then took our seats for the drag show.

By this time I was feeling a bit disoriented but generally good. The show went well and my buddies started shoving cash into my bra for the drag queens to retrieve with their teeth. It was then announced to the world that it was my 21st birthday. I was a little shaky on my feet at this point so I was more that happy just to sit in my seat and drink those blue drinks as they were put in front of me. my recollection tells me that they numbered 2 at this point, but Clayton thinks it was 3.

I was then summoned onto the stage, it was really hard to walk in four inch heels and not take a header in the state I was in. I think she asked me some questions, and did some patter, and had the whole bar sing Happy Birthday to me as badly as they could, but then the real fun began. I was told to hold onto this rail and bend over for my spankings. Dear Lord, I was scared. So I did it and two drag queens proceeded to hit me really hard on the ass 21 times. Ow. I literally have a bruise on my butt. I then needed to take my seat again, but luckily Clayton and the drag queen(I can't remember her name) helped me to my seat without dropping me on my face.

Here is where my recollection starts getting hazy: I think I had another of those magical blue drinks, then we found out way to Silverado's via two of those fancy bike cab things(There were three of us). I could not walk on my own at this point and really had to try to concentrate on anything. I was really scared. Clayton says I was pretty much scared the whole time and that I cried, but I don't remember that. So we went in and I was so out of it that various people who had been at Red cap as well wished me a merry birthday, I didn't even notice.

The boys sat me down right in front of one of the strippers...um wow...first of all, I could barely see, and second, I don't think I am really into nudity, or strippers. Clayton thought I should put money in his pants I on the other hand was trying to keep my head attached to my neck. So I was frog marched to the stage where Clayton's hand forced mine and some money into that poor man's crotch. Not my thing.

So I was handed a water and told that I would not be drinking any more. I think I was relieved, but it was more like I had stopped caring, my brain was somewhere in the bottom of four AMF's, a shot of tequila, and a bunch of Mike's. I then sat at the bar sipping my water and trying to keep from barfing. I was trying to be cool with my water and ended up knocking it over twice and hitting myself a number of times in the face with the straws. I also freaked out whenever Clayton tried to leave and decided I was really drunk. I think I tried dancing at one point, but decided my stool looked much better than the floor so I sat while Clayton danced right next to me(remember I wouldn't let him leave)...I think he bit me? and tried to make out with me? I mean, I love the man, but that was just weird.

Then Clayton came to get me up and head out for Brian's house where we were crashing, and all those yummy blue drinks decided to come for a visit, to the whole club. I was in the balcony and just barfed it up a good one. All over the counter and the floor and it apparently dripped down onto the people below. EW! I don't remember that part though, I think I was preoccupied with the bit of barf in my hair.

We got back into the bike cabs and made our way back to the car, I still don't remember that much, mostly that I was once again scared and thought I was going to fall out. I also think I told the driver numerous times that I was drunk and had just puked. He sang Happy birthday to me, how nice. I don't know how we made it to Brian's house, nor how I got into bed. But I woke up not knowing where I was with glitter on my chest, my ID in my bra, mascara all over my face, and one hell of a hangover.

Hello Again!

2008-08-03T22:06:00.000-07:00

Yes I am still alive!

This summer has just been a time for me to get control of parts of my life that I had been unable to control previously. I am not normally out of control nor was this summer extreme, mostly, it was just not a time when I needed to be spreading the stress and negative energy to the world. The good news is that I am feeling a lot better now and things are rather crazy still, and will always be. That is just how my life is...

I just thought I would update and let anyone out there know that I am still alive and well.

Oh, I may have a dog when I come back to school. Right now it is still up in the air. He is sleeping at my feet right now, but with a number of living situation changes he may need to find a new home...sad day. Clayton and I rescued him from an unfortunate home life where he was unsocialized and untrained. He is a very sweet dog and house trained and all that lovely he just doesn't know what to do with himself besides follow me around the house. I love my Jinks!

He would be a lot of work for Clayton and me, and neither of us have oodles of time to train a dog, so maybe it will be for the best if he needs a new home. But I will be so sad...

Anyway, also, it is coming up on my 21st birthday, I don't think that anything will be too crazy and I don't think that I will get too drunk.

Enough rambling, I will leave you with a picture of my own little family, however temporary and strange it may be...Me, Clayton (my gay best friend), and my baby Jinks!

Long Time Coming

2008-06-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

So I have been extremely uninspired blog-wise lately so I have been ignoring it. Sorry! Not really. I haven't really been doing all that much besides sitting around and looking for a job and occasionally hanging out with Clayton. Our adventures are generally full of hi-jinks and giggles. Yesterday we went to the Gay Pride Parade and festival in Portland. It was a lot of fun.

Oh, I forgot to say that I have been rehearsing for Grease! I finally found out what dates I will be performing the part of Jan if you would like them let me know. If you would like to buy tickets ahead of time you can buy them om sscpmusicals.com or after the 21st you can buy them at the St. Helen's Book Shop. Hopefully anyone in the area can come to the show and those out of the area as well. I am super excited!

There has been a lot of drama with the show and hopefully all the wrinkles will be worked out so that we can all just have a good time and not be at each-others throats all the time. I am not at anyone's throat just to make that clear. Although if a certain person in the cast would stop acting so superior it would make my life a lot more pleasant. And yes, I actually know what I am talking about, I read music (well I might add) and have done a lot of musicals before so maybe you should stop feeling put upon and insignificant and actually listen to what I have to say. I am asking questions and adding harmonies(with permission, by the way) because I care about the show and want it to sound good, and not to make you look bad and not to make you feel stupid, so back off.

Whew- I feel better now. I got it off my chest and now I will never need to say those words out loud to anyone...hopefully. It really isn't that bad. I'm just venting.

In other news I am typing this will one finger less than I normally do. The handsome and dashing Westley the Gecko decided to take a pretty large chunk out of the skin covering the first knuckle of my pointer finger on my right hand. It bled profusely and hurts pretty bad. I still love him though, even though he tried to kill me. I haven't seen a Gecko bite before, he did a good job of it though. I think he thought he was an alligator or crocodile because he tried to death-roll my skin off and pretty much succeeded.

Probably that is enough ranting, I just needed to get it out. Enjoy your summer and try to come to Grease if you are in the area!

Re-Hashing the Same-Old

2008-05-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

Here I am at home doing the same things I do whenever I come home. Spend hours hanging around and doing absolutely nothing and boy is it nice. The thing is though, I really want to be working and out of the house a bit more. I have sent in a bunch of applications and now the waiting game begins...ah well. It isn't like I have anything better to be doing except watching daytime TV or cop shows all day.

I started rehearsals for Grease yesterday and I am uber-excited, you have NO idea. I seriously love to perform. Yes, I know, people that know my in real life may be surprised to hear that since I tend to come off as shy. It's true though, put me on stage and I am a happy camper(although camping has very little to do with acting). I do get stage-fright, but I have been learning to deal with it, and usually it is only on the day before I open and then the last ten minutes before I go on stage for any given performance.

My philosophy with acting is that I am given the opportunity to be someone else on stage and entertain people. If I mess up only a hand full of people will know and as long as I am prepared I generally don't mess up.

I still haven't gotten over my audition issues...I don't know that I will ever completely got over that. I'm pretty much OK with that though. I figure the first time I am cool and calm for an audition I know that I have lost the drive and the passion for theater or music. I don't really see that ever happening. In fact if it ever does I will know that there is something seriously wrong with me.

So it still hasn't quite sunk in that I will be here for a few months. I keep thinking that I will be heading back to school any day now and then reminding myself that I am stuck in St. Helens for the long haul. Although there are perks to being here

Spending time with my sister!!!!! I have already mentioned how much I missed her.
Grease! Enough said.
Clayton and random adventures...fun fun! Like sushi or random walks and things of that nature
Koko, my little squishy face.
A double bed...oh yea!
Car, although I probably shouldn't drive that much until I get back on the insurance...heehee

I just realized that I wrote just about the longest post ever... that I didn't copy and paste from something else. Whatever...

More Political?

2008-05-19T19:32:00.001-07:00

So Sunday I was able to go to the HUMONGOUS Obama rally in the Waterfront Park in Portland. We had gone in to church and were asked by the youth group leaders if we wanted to tag along. Which we did. So we spent about two and a half hours under the boiling sun with a huge number of other people. Our group was fairly small, my sister and brother, Peter and Melanie(the youth group leaders), Michael, and a state delagate from Idaho who was in town for our denominational conference meeting. He spent the whole time telling my sister and I how lucky we were to be around during this amazing time.

We know... But he was impressed by my knowledge of the candidates and that I had gone to the Clinton rally the day before. I thought he was kind of funny since he thought I would be an apathetic teenager, but was actually informed about the state of affairs in this country. Whatever!

So I though I was going to post pictures from both rallies but the Internet is being dumb so I will get to it again later

Peace!

Goodbyes and Handshakes

2008-05-17T18:01:00.000-07:00

So I got in last night but I haven't set my computer back up yet so I will post pictures of today's adventures a bit later. Leaving school was a whole lot harder than I thought it would be. I had realized that I made good friends, but I hadn't realized just how attached I had gotten. With every wave and hug goodbye things got that much harder for me, I don't mean that I am all emo-depressed-like about it, I just noticed that it was hard.

Enough being emo for one day...

Today I had the opportunity to see Former President Bill Clinton speak. He came to Scappoose this afternoon and a friend got a call about an hour before we showed up telling him to come and that it was free. When we arrived there weren't that many people there which surprised me but that also meant we got to be very close to the action. In fact after his speech both of us got to shake his hand. Even during the speech we were probably about 15 feet away from him.

I haven't been to an event such as this before and it was really interesting to behold. The police presence wasn't as large as I expected but I was impressed by the fortitude of the Secret Service guys who wore full suits the entire time in the over eighty-five degree weather. Clinton took off his Suit coat partway through the event, barely int,o actually.

I will give y'all more dirt on the speech and other things later when I post the photos.

Ciao!

A Day of Celebration

2008-05-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Today I am full of smiles and cheers for the state of California. Normally I spend time eye rolling and despairing over the decisions made by a fairly conservative government and a star Governator. But today I applaud and wish to hug the Supreme Court of California. They have decreed that denying gay marriage is unconstitutional. Oh yes!

I guess it may not surprise some that California would take this step before other states; California is the home of San Fransisco after all. But, I worried, as usual. Today at least for now I can hoot and holler all I want. I don't doubt that even now there are groups planning if not already taking action against this ruling.

Hooray!

In other news, today is my last full day here at Pacific. I will be moving out tomorrow and heading home. Finally. Don't get me wrong, I love it here. It is just that I am very attached to my family and my dog. Plus I need to recharge after a stressful time here. So goodbye Pacific (for now) and hello home!

Hope you all can enjoy the weather where you are, I certainly am!

Sisters

2008-05-08T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today I attended the first reading of a classmate's play entitled Promises. It was basically about the relationship between sisters in a broken home. To me I was so caught up in the unfolding drama that I forgot that it was just a reading. Of course, there were a few line flubs and awkward moments, but...it was amazing. Yay Maddie!!!

I was blown away by the fact that she so accurately showed us the messed up tangled around hate and love relationship many sisters have...including my sister and myself. Now in the play one of the sisters is abused and my sister and I never went through anything precisely like that but when our parents were sick or if there was ever a need for support for either of us, there was no doubt that we would be there for each other even if only moments before we had been at each others throats. Including the time I got in a fight at the schoolbus stop in fourth grade to protect her.

During the reading there were a number of moments where I was literally brought to tears and afterwards I had to stop and think about it. But the ending scene with parallel images of the older sister holding the younger ones body frightens me, in fact, I just sent a text message to my baby sister checking to see if she is alright and to say that I love her. The other moment that just made me cry was the moment when the younger sister walked out of the older sisters room after the older one refused to come home and help. It made me think if I thought I could ever do anything like that to my sister. Obviously I would hope not, but who really knows. I just would hate to ever see my sister in that much pain and even think about not helping her.

There were some uncomfortable parallels in the play concerning the sisters there and my sister and myself. The younger sister in the play was promiscuous and the older hadn't even been kissed when she went off to college. I in no way am calling my sister promiscuous, period. But she has had boyfriends...ok, shutting up about that before she kills me. I, on the other hand, am pretty much like the older sister in the play. I have never had a boyfriend and hadn't been kissed when I went away to college this year. It is just kinda funny that those circumstances were mirrored in the play. In talking with Maddie after the reading that relationship is also mirrored with her and her younger sister.

I would like to send out to the world that if any theater companies are looking for new work to showcase this play is amazing, even at the first reading. So please think about using Promises by Madalyn Clemence.

Seeing the play and thinking these thought was kind of strange today because honestly my sister is the person I miss the most back at home and I cannot wait to see her(maybe only 2 days or at the most 8 days!!!). In fact we both were saying that we need to have some sister time when I get home and seeing this play just emphasized that for me.

I love you Ookie!!

Imogen Heap - "Just For Now"

2008-05-01T21:14:00.001-07:00

I love this song and I thought I would share it with you. Especially since it shows how it is mixed live.

Enjoy!

Happiness

2008-04-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

So this is the end of the term, finals are coming and the stress is mounting. However, I have been fortunate enough to fine some happiness in the middle of all this craziness. Things are going well for me on pretty much all levels. I am doing well academically, not that I couldn't try harder in some subjects, as well as personally. Without going into specifics, which I won't, just know that things are going extremely well for me and at this moment, meaning while I am typing, I don't know that I could be much happier. :D

I am trying to blog frequently but today I really don't have anything to write....I think.

Oh, in my writing class we wrote the best group poem ever. Once it gets finalized by the class I may end up posting it here.

I want to go to the beach. I miss the ocean...and the Pelican!!! Sorry, that was kind of random, but true. Enjoy this picture I took on our trip to the coast over New Year's and try to enjoy yourselves a bit. Especially since it is time for finals and stress. Peace Out!

Not About the Weather, Even Though It Rocks!

2008-04-27T20:33:00.001-07:00

As you can read from the title above, I am NOT going to blog about something as inane as the weather, even though I have been enjoying it immensely this weekend.

Well, you may ask, if you aren't going to blog about the weather what are you going to blog about? Good question...

One thing that has been on my mind lately that I have been trying to forget is the end. The end of this semester. It has been amazing in a number of ways and I just wish that it could go a bit longer. Not academically, although academically is was great too, I mean mostly just the friendships I have made and the music I have made.

At the end of a concert, along with relief joy and/or frustration, I feel a small sense of loss. That musical moment will never happen again, I could perform the same songs but the performance and the moment would just be different. The same way with the friendships that I have now. Not that they will end just because we all will go home for the summer. Things will just be on hold. Most of my closest friends actually live quite a distance from me and all of us will be busy.

That sounds all kinds of pessimistic. That isn't really completely how I feel. It is more a mixed bag. I am extremely happy to have friends and part of this dread comes straight from me and the fact that I am so shy. It takes me a while to warm up to people and now that the term is almost over I have finally made connections.

Probably enough whining and moaning for now. Life is great right now and things are going well in pretty much every area of my life. I will just have to focus on that and not the sad things.

Techno-Savvy

2008-04-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

So, I have the advantage of having a really (dorky) amazing older brother who sets me up with all kinds of computer/technology related gizmo's and updates. Recently he has been getting me to try Remember the Milk and Twitter.(see the side bar) Both seem like they will work for me pretty well. Once I get the initial kinks worked out. If you would like information on some awesome functionality or are in the mood for some goofy technology just visit my big brother's blog http://heckishappening.blogspot.com

Dear me, that was quite the plug.

Moving on.

What is with the weather. I believe unless I have completely lost touch with reality that it is now more than half way through April. Why is it snowing? I think that I live in the Pacific Northwest, nowhere near the top of a mountain or high in the Andes. After being cooped up inside during the week I was looking forward to spending some time outside this weekend. Ah, well. Maybe I will just put on my parka/raincoat and boots and go for a walk.

Last night I got the amazing opportunity to perform in front of an audience. It wasn't that large of one, but I still enjoyed myself. It wasn't any solo work; I was just a part of a choir, but that is what I love for. Yay Olaf!

Okay, random. That is probably enough for now. Maybe sometime soon I will come up with some piece of profound knowledge to share with y'all, but for now: Peace out!

New Home

2008-04-17T00:24:00.000-07:00

Today was my appointment to sign up for housing next year. My roommate and I decided to stay in the same building but we moved down two floors and gained a private bathroom and a kitchenette! I am so excited to have a kitchen!!! I don't even have words. I just wish we had it now. The apartment (yes apartment, not room) consists of a large living room with the kitchenette taking up one wall next to the coat closet. There is a small bathroom, but it is all ours! and a tiny bedroom with a large closet. I think the bedroom is only a tiny bit smaller than the room we are in now that has to hold way more stuff than this one will.

We have already offered our stove-top and kitchen space to our friends in the building who are not as fortunate. Especially since in a normal room you can't have a microwave. We can and will.

Here comes the last stretch until summer and it is already starting to get bittersweet for me. I have made a few good friends here on campus and even thinking about our separation for the summer break makes me sad :'( On the other hand I am really ready to be home. I miss my doggy and my family. Plus I am really really excited for Grease this summer and finding an awesome job...not(at least the job part) although I hear Starbucks is hiring at the two locations podunk St. Helens now boasts. Wee, I guess I might have a highly caffeinated summer. Fun.

Actually right now things feel great here at school and I have been doing really well and I am proud of my accomplishments here. Academically my classes aren't any harder than the ones I had at PCC, but this school is regarded as academically one of the best in the nation...hmm, but I guess if I can do well here it doesn't matter where I went before.

I also thought I might take this opportunity to premiere a picture from my Black Chocolate which I have dubbed Dean. This is from last week in the lovely weather and the cherry blossoms in Trombley square.

Sorry For the Delay

2008-04-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

As the title implies, I apologize for the long break between posts. I have been, well, just not blogging.

I had the opportunity to see the United States Navy Band Sea Chanters on Saturday. It was a really fun concert, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised. Mom, Dad, Jon and Ookie(Becca) came to the concert as well and it was nice to get to spend a little time with them. I would love to perform with a group like that, maybe not for the Navy since I am a bit of a pacifist....ah well.

Honestly though, it really made me think about the things I can so with my music in the future in a couple of new ways. I keep hearing recordings of studio choirs or the choirs they use in soundtracks to movies or commercials and I want in on it. I am not really sure if I have the guts to go for a solo career, and I love to sing in choir. At least with a group at least as dedicated as I am.

We have our end of the year choir concerts coming up, and I am pretty excited. I don't have a solo or anything, but any chance to perform I get excited.

I met with my advisors last week to sign up for my classes and get organized so that I can graduate in 3 years with two majors that may be a bit of a stretch but since I have most of my core requirements out of the way I'll be able to focus on what I need to do. I get to take lessons again and I am considering taking Piano lessons along with Voice, but I still want to think about it.

Oh, I love my new phone! I think that is about all....um....yeah.

Tis The Season...

2008-04-08T01:23:00.000-07:00

No, not THAT season, that one is over for now. Tis the season for spring and it really seems like it may be here. If that sounds overly ambiguous then you have never been in the Portland area during spring, or fall. The seasons here like to tease us and frustrate us with their lack of sincerity. "See," they taunt, "It is spring the sun is out and it is warm" fast forward a week, or a day, or an hour forward, "BWAHAHAHA Gotcha! It is actually going to snow/pour/freeze! You can't outwit the weather!"

Okay, so maybe that was...overly...dramatic, but I just can't help but over act in my humanization of the weather. It is appropriate, at least in this situation. And even if it isn't appropriate....it amuses me.

Tis also the season for concerts. I am really excited to be performing in a few in the coming weeks, this also means that the semester is close to an end. Which is both frightening and heartening. I want to be home! Don't get me wrong I love school and everything I am doing here. I just miss my dog...oh Koko, your wrinkled face calls to me across the distance separating us. Alright, you might have guessed it, I am in a strange mood today, in fact I will readily admit to it with pride. Earlier tonight I was speaking with a British accent for no reason again...and singing silly ditties (that isn't any different from any other day).

Goofy moods aside, I am pretty OK with where life is leading right now. I am freaking out (in a good way) about fall semester and all my music classes. I think there are at least six of them, and there may be more ensembles that I want to be in. Who knows? Plus, I will be taking theater classes as well. Kim will be a happy busy camper. yay

Enough rambling, I am going to waste some more time wandering though the Internet...enjoy yourselves and sing a happy song! Or play, or listen to or otherwise enjoy some music...please!

Editorials, and Sunny/Rainy Days

2008-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the delay in posting, I really don't have and excuse, except that I just didn't feel like blogging. I would like to share that my editorial below was printed in three newspapers: The South County Spotlight, The Forest Grove News Times, and the Portland Tribune. I never expected it to do so well. Yay for me

This week has been full of strange Oregon weather; days that include both pouring down rain and beautiful spring sun. The campus is gorgeous as the various fruit trees flower and leaves are sprouting on branches. As always, the oak trees are slow to green, but I can't wait until they do. The oak trees are amazing!

I have been starting my summer job search. Once I get my first aid/CPR card again, it shouldn't be a problem, there are any number of childcare centers and summer programs that are hiring, although, I always am nervous looking for a job. Actually, I am always nervous....

Have a lovely spring, hope y'all can spend some time outside. Maybe it won't be raining where you live.

Back to the Grind

2008-03-31T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am back at school, actually, I have been since yesterday, but I didn't really feel like blogging until after the internet went out. Ew. I couldn't believe that the internet would go out over the whole campus that I could tell. The tech support guys didn't even know until this morning and they fixed it lickety split.

Oh also, if you are reading this, yay for you! You know who you are.

An editorial I wrote was published in the South County Spotlight. I was pretty proud of that article and having it published is nice, even if it is only a small town paper. Since I was published that means that tonight in my writing class we get to have a party, out instructor is bringing snacks and everything. I just thought I would let you all know.

Here is my editorial:

Many people in this country agree that our public schools are going downhill. Students from other countries far out-pace our own in the fields of mathematics and science, and even the knowledge of the native language. How can we let this happen to our future? We must take steps to ensure that our children get the well rounded education they need. If children are our future don't we want them to lead as best they can?

The most appalling lack in our current system of education is a thorough grounding in music; which is a great basis to built everything else on. For people throughout the ages, music was a crucial part of culture, religion, education, history, not to mention everyday life. They taught their children about life and their world using song and story. It was absolutely inseparable from many cultures' form of education.

Having been fortunate enough to have a family life filled with music I can understand the value of starting young. At the age of three one doesn't necessarily know that singing in front of people should be nerve wracking or scary. This helps to create a confidence that will carry across into other areas of one's life. Confidence is key in academia; we must try things that have never been done before. To essay is really to try, to attempt. Without confidence how can that happen?

It is our job to stand up for the rights of our children and our future. Learning about music should not be a privilege, but a valued aspect of the educational environment. We must all strive to leave a strong legacy, and right the wrong being done to our children by demoting them to mediocrity.

Spooky

2008-03-29T12:41:00.001-07:00

Introducing the Puppini Sisters.

Plus...um, well actually plus nothing. Just enjoy!

Home!

2008-03-22T17:28:00.000-07:00

Here I am at home, nice! I am so glad to be here. It always feels good to be here and relax away from school. Although it would be nice if I actually had a REAL BED!!!! (Thanks, Mom)

I may not be blogging a lot in the coming week since I will be acting the part of the lazy college student, and ignoring my homework...so what's new, right? Yay, so I plan to be a bum, hang on the couch, go to the beach, and listen to music...

Have a nice break(if you have one) and I will blog to you all soon!

Finally!

2008-03-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

My friend who has been promising to visit me since I moved finally came tonight! He called me during class and wanted directions to get here since he was on his way. about 45 minutes later we were together, for the first time since January. Yay!

I didn't think he would ever come...but he did. I am glad to have seen him especially since we have so much fun when we are together, like taking down christmas lights at 2am in the rain, or bowling and then staying out till about 3am. Good times.

Tonight was good though, we went to Powell's and to Jake's. Let me just say...yum. Pretty much everything rocked, except that damned oyster. Why the heck do I let him con me into so much. I mean really...

But anyway...I think that is enough for now, I might actually head off to bed earlyish tonight, as I am sleepy from the digesting of food. (Glorious Food!)

Musical Geek-out Alert!

2008-03-17T00:00:00.001-07:00

You should expect it fairly frequently now that I am living music more than I have since I started this blog. I went to my parents concert earlier today and really enjoyed it. It also reminded me why I am a music major. I LOVE CHOIR! They performed the world premiere of The Ballad of Jesse James, which was awesome. But, they followed it with a number of Americana octavos and one just freaking amazing piece called The Quest Unending composed by Joseph M. Martin. Can you say gorgeous! I am now obsessed. So I went through some of the music I have saved from choral festivals and my head for other pieces I just can't live without. So here is a partial list of choral pieces I adore. Remember, this is just a partial list, if you have any others to add let me know...but here you go

The Quest Unending; Joseph M Martin
Omnia Sol; Z. Randall Stroop
The Awakening; Joseph M Martin
Requiem; Mozart
Carmina Burana; Carl Orff
Requiem; Faure
It Is Well With My Soul; Phillip P Bliss, Arranged by Tom Fettke
Oh Magnum Mysterium; Morten Lauridsen
Lux Aurumque; Eric Whitacre(that is this video, I don't know which choir it is but I LOVE THIS ONE! especially the soprano sustained note for about 40 seconds!!!)
Alleluia; Randall Thompson
Ave Verum Corpus; W.A Mozart
There Will Be Rest; Frank Tichelli
Amor de mi Alma; Z. Randall Stroop
The Last Words of David; Randall Thompson
The Rune of Hospitality; Alf Houkom
Shanendoah; Arr. James Erb
She Walks in Beauty; arr, Tom Fettke
A Glimpse of Snow and Evergreen; Vijay Singh

This is possibly enough of a geek out for one night, especially since I have a psychology test in the morning. I hope you have enjoyed this especially geeky time with me. I personally had a lot of fun with it.

Amor, y Musica!

Campfire Songs

2008-03-14T00:21:00.000-07:00

Today I was procrastinating on finishing a paper and stumbled across a website that has all the lyrics to a bunch of summercamp songs. The website is geared to scout camp, which I never went to but since I was a musical girl scout I know a bunch of them. It brought me back to my summers spent at Camp Adams. I love it there, it is still one of my favorite places on the planet.

It put me in mind of some of the amazing songs we sang during campfire, which were not featured on the scoutsongs.com site. Wow, those were the days. One Tin Soldier, so brings me back, I even looked it up so I could hear it. I am fairly positive that I freaked my roommate out; she never went to summer camp and looked at me like I was crazy when I sang the Brownie Smile song, she has also never heard The Noble Duke of York...wierdo!

So, here is a list of some of my favorite either Girl Scout or Camp Adams songs:
One Tin Soldier
Boom Chick-a-Boom(Janitor style is the best!)
Noble Duke of York (Or the more popular version Noble captain Kirk)
Today (the John Denver song)
Make New Friends
Swing Low Sweet Chariot (with all approriate hand motions)
Barges (with harmony of course)
When E'er You Make A Promise
Land of Oden
Buzzard Song
Banjo Song (I u-lo-sed to plalay)
Black Socks (They never get dirty)
The Cat Came Back (they outlawed it after a couple years since it is so violent and not-church campy enough)

This is all I can think of for the moment, I will probably think of some in a moment. I know there are more from Camp Adams, especially worshipy-er songs. Enjoy!

One of My Music Geek-Outs

2008-03-12T14:50:00.001-07:00

Here is a video of Snow Patrol's song "Open You Eyes" The video is not the important part of this posting. If anyone wants to hear one of the coolest moments it is right at the 4 minute mark. Just something about the strings underneath with the building tension just gives me shivers. seriously, the first time I heard this I was like...What was that! I did not expect a moment like that out of Snow Patrol. No offense to anyone who is a die hard, but they are pretty good, but I wouldn't necessarily say genius band.

Obviously though they appeal to the public alot. However this moment just makes me quiver...yes, I said quiver. This post just went to a whole different place, although I have heard of those musical moments of awe described as musical orgasms....ANYWAYS

I am in the midst of a show and have been lazy the lst few days about posting, so I thought since I was up I might as well post this.

Oh, My Head!

2008-03-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

So, it seems the migraine I thought was gone was only pretending. Although I am not sure, a headache looms after I spend too much time in one place (like in front of the computer), or in fluorescent lights. Naps or walks seem to help them dull down to a quieter sort of roar. It is driving me nuts. Midterms and papers are conspiring to make me do exactly what I need to avoid. Not to mention I am relearning all of my choir music since I am switching to alto for this concert. Oh well, such is life.

Hopefully this weekend I can come up with a solution to my head-problem (No, not the head-dumb problem, thank you very much!). And, perhaps I will actually get to spend time with my dear friend, who promised to come visit me and has yet to.

Whatever!

That's about all I have today/tonight. I think I will try to get to be a bit early tonight, since I have a big day tomorrow.

Kids! (What The Devils Wrong With These Kids Today!)

2008-03-08T22:43:00.000-08:00

I am not blogging today about Bye Bye Birdie! I am writing about a problem I have; maybe it isn't so much my problem but a problem others see in me and I in them.

First of all, I love kids, always have, since I was a kid myself I would be drawn to babies and smaller children. I still am... I was interacting with a group of kids at a birthday party for my nephew and was shocked to hear...yet again "You are so great with kids, When are you going to start your family?" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Just because I am no longer a teenager and I like kids is no reason for me to start a family.

I am so not ready for that. The plan is in place...well most of it: finish school, live life for a while, find someone, then...maybe have kids. I'm still not really sure I want to have kids. The thought actually frightens me. I am more than happy to change diapers and potty train and all that, but actually being responsible for someone else's life completely from beginning to adulthood just makes my stomach churn. Plus, I have always thought about adoption.

At this point in my life, it is not at the top of my list to have my future completely planned out in advance. Plans can change, but I am determined to put my education first. The same thing goes for dating as having kids....although without nearly the emphasis. I am not PLANNING on having a relationship, but if something were to happen I wouldn't fight it...just NO KIDS!!!

Love kids, just not today.

In other news, the weather was gorgeous today and I got to spend some of it outside! Woohoo for that.

There may be pictures to come of the Power Rangers Birthday Party. Otherwise known as massive crowd control and sugar...lots and lots of sugar.

I leave you with this final though taken from the save energy posters posted on the bathroom stall doors..Peace, love, and granola

Creepy Horoscope

2008-03-04T11:38:00.000-08:00

As I was logging on to my computer, my horoscope was right there on my homepage. Generally I have a giggle since they are so generic, but today...it is uncanny have a look:

You have been overly expressive, without necessarily being too productive. Now, however, it's time to keep to yourself. You can effectively work behind the scenes and it can even feel more fulfilling than being seen. You are relieved that the spotlight is on someone else for a while. Keep in mind that this is temporary; you'll be back on stage in a couple of months.
By Rick Levine
Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Odd, right? As I am currently working back stage, and more than happy to be, and excited to perform in Grease this summer. That is all I have, except I am a bit pissed off today.

I am soooo done waiting on other people to be my friends. I will just have to only rely on people I can count on, not people that I wish I can count on. Cryptic enough for you, eh? If you don't believe this applies to you, it probably doesn't, and I don't even think the person that it actually applies to will read this. I won't ever say anything...that's not my style. Self-reliance, here I come!

Ghosts and Ghouls

2008-03-03T12:09:00.000-08:00

Some of my readers may be aware that I am obsessed with the paranormal. I have always been really empathetic, to the extent that I have been aware of my friends emotions from long distances away. It is an uncomfortable feeling to not know the source of your own emotion and have no real control over them. I also get alot of Deja vu something that tends to make me uncomfortable. I even had a complete dream of something that hadn't happened and wouldnt happen for another couple years. Needless to say, I am intrugued by these types of phenomena.

I also love ghost stories and hearing about encounters with them. I personall had quite a bit of experience with the theater ghost, Vera, at my high school. An interesting tid bit is that there is a ghost here at Pacific named Vera as well. Not that it is that original of a name, but...coincidence? Hopefully I will get a chance to experience Vera in all her glory, and I heard some cool stories already.

On another note-Happy Birthday Elias. On this day in 2003 I was granted an amazing nephew on 03/03/03. I love you little buddy.

Sleepytime!

2008-03-02T01:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I am kinda tired and trying to sleep. I haven't really gotten down to it yet, but even thinking about sleeping makes me want to say up even later. I am not completely sure how that works... Maybe I have a disease. Or, I just don't like to sleep. Maybe that is the answer!

Anyhow, so today was my first REAL rehearsal for On The Verge, well the first one where I did anything. I ran the soundboard through the cue to cue. I think I did pretty well, if I say so myself...which I just did. It isn't really brain surgery though, all you have to do it click on the go button when the stage manager says to. The worst thing about today was getting up early...I had to be there at 9am. Ew! I am a nocturnal animal, who was the crazy person to think 9am was a good time for something theater related. Not me! It went well anyway.

The best thing about today, well, that would have to be hanging out with David! I so didn't realize it was after 1 when I left. If you read this...sorry about that, I had NO idea. But I had fun hanging out and joking around... I haven't done that in a long time. (I have just realized that I have used the ellipse(...) 4(now 5) times, is there such a thing as an addiction to ellipses?)

What Am I going To Be?

2008-02-29T13:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a sophomore major fair where you could talk to people in all of the departments and the registrar had a booth where you could declare you major(s). The plural in my case. I have now officially declared(the paperwork still has to be processed) as a Theater/Music Education major with a minor in Spanish. Yay! I am really excited to be taking this step but completely flabbergasted at the same time. I will have no life outside of the theater or music buildings.

Honestly though, I am kind of ok with that. I have loved music and theater so much for so long that it would be completly amazing to live that way...forever. That is one thing that I worry about though. I have to be in multiple musical ensembles(well not have to...sort of) as well as various productions through the theater department. I really hope that the schedules wont be too crazy. I know they will be fairly crazy as Music and Theater are some of the most time consuming majors what with rehearsals and practising and memorizing stuff and lessons and....the list goes on.

Here goes...oh, and I am the sound board operator for "On The Verge" which opens next weekend. I have my first rehearsal tonight.

I am off to spanish now...enjoy whatever weather you have!

Well, That Was Interesting...

2008-02-23T15:30:00.000-08:00

So I went to the last home basketball of the season last night. Actually I went to two games, the girls and the guys games. They were playing against Willamette University, and both teams won. but this blog is not about the Pacific Athletic Department, it is about ME! So enough of that. I don't even remember what the scores were...look them up if you care. I really meant for this blog to be a bit of a rant about the jerk who sat behind me during the guys game.

First off, I am not really a sports fan, but, I thought since I had not much better to do, and since I hadn't been to a game here before I would go. Also, the pep band was playing, and of course I went to support them. Anyway, during the girls game there was hardly anyone in the stands and I had space to sit without anyone bothering me. When the guys game started I was surrounded by strangers...who really like sports. The game was down to the last couple minutes and the uber-fans in front of me took to their feet. I couldn't see, but I wasn't really in the mood to stand yet. I wasn't that enthused it seemed like that clock was stuck. Anytime the ball was in play it only dropped about 3 seconds then there was a foul. So as the clock dripped down this jerk starts yelling at people who were still sitting down, myself included, to stand up. I just ignored him and continued to crane my neck around the wall of people in front of me. The ass then decided to hit me in the back of the head!

Oh, I just about killed him, not to mention his buddy who had been crowding me for most of the game had knocked my stuff under the bleachers. I was ticked.

That is all for now...I don't really have anything else to rant about. Here is a poem that I like just for fun.

i carry your heart with me- ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder thats keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Geek Out!

2008-02-22T00:16:00.000-08:00

So, I have a psychology test in the morning. ack! Although, I am fairly positive I can fake my way through the first part of it. The second section on neurons kinda freaks me out. So, obviously since I make up stories to help me understand things, I did it for the motor neuron. I had been talking about it for a while and since I should be studying, I thought I would split the difference between procrastination and review. So now for your reading pleasure...The Epic of The Motor Neuron. (Please don't send me hate mail...I know it is lame, but it made me giggle)

They received a message from the Dendritic Spines that was passed through the dendrites and was taken straight to the Nucleus in the Soma. This required action so our heroes headed to the Axon Hillock to begin their journey. They jumped along the Axon highway over the dreaded Mylin Sheathes, a Glial Cell of the Schwanns type. As they hopped along they landed in the Nodes of Ranvier just for a moment to invert the charge. They traveled this way for quite some distance when they reached the horrific synapse. That liquid filled space between the Axon highway and their destination. They decided to chance a jump and made it from the Terminal Button to the muscles where there was much rejoicing (YAY!)

Good News And Other Awesome-ness

2008-02-20T16:56:00.001-08:00

I got my micro-theme for Lord of The Flies back this afternoon. I got an A. Yay! I wasn't really sure if my professor was actually going to like it though since it is so imaginative. But she wants me to clean up a few things and send it to her as an attachment so she can give it to the class and keep it in her files. She said that after reading it she went "wow!" Yay, I'm smart! (no smart-ass comments please)

This week has seemed like school is really starting. I had a Spanish test today, and a psychology test on Friday. I think i did pretty OK on the Spanish test, but I really should get studying for my psych test. Today's lecture went right over my head, kinda made me feel dumb. I blame it on the fasting test I did over last night. I had to go in early and give some bodily fluids to the psychology department for a research thing. Hey, at least I get 20 bucks tomorrow for turning in a vial of spit.

Any-who, If you are anywhere where you will be able to see the complete lunar eclipse tonight you should definitely check it out. I totally will, after my writing class. Speaking of...I have some work to do, so it is time for me to stop procrastinating and get to it.

I wish you peace, love, and crazy relatives everyone!

Today Was a Nice Day!

2008-02-18T23:23:00.000-08:00

Hello all! Today I have been in a pretty great mood all day, partially due to the fact that it was sunny and warm all day! It was so nice to be outside for what little time I had to spend time in the sun. I spent time with some of my new acquaintances, some of whom I hope will become more. I really think I am getting the hang of this place. I just hope I can find a job...

Anyway I have also had a couple good conversations with a good friend from back home, and gotten some good work done on my school work. I am feeling great except a bit cooped up now that it is night and i have been sitting here for hours working on my stuff.

Back to the grind for me, hope everyone has a great night and tomorrow.

Fun Weekend!

2008-02-17T21:41:00.000-08:00

This weekend was awesome, I got to spend time with some awesome people and see an amazing play.

I left campus on Saturday and headed into Portland. I hung out for a couple hours downtown and walked around to the library to my church and then later to Artist Repertory Theater to watch David Lindsay-Abaire's Rabbit Hole. The production was amazing. I cried for most of the show, bear in mind that I am very empathetic, and I come easily to tears. This show really got me going, I mean I really got into it and was lost in it's world.

I have seen some of the actors in other productions and was amazed yet again at their amazing talent. The last time I saw Susannah Mars she was playing a highly comedic role in They Came From Way Out There she was pretty much one of my favorite characters in that show and she really showed her breadth in this show. From an alien Sunday school teacher to a grieving mother she really made it work.

Another person I need to mention in this posting is Jeff Seats. I friggin love that set. Can I move in? The clean lines and realistic style of the kitchen and everything. Great job! I am serious though, can I move in?

Yay, and thank you Carol Ann for letting me know about the show.

So that was the play, then I went with some of my favorite people from ART and Kris to Cassidy's to hang out. That was fun then Kris and I ran someone home and crashed for the night after exploring the wonders of her Pirate's of The Caribbean valentine set. On Sunday we spent pretty much the whole day together and went to church, ahd some good times there and then out shopping. We hit Ikea, oh my god that was awesome, Marshall's (see pants picture below, yes they really are as tall as she is!), and a few other shops out by the airport.

Now I am back at school, kind of sore and excited for the week ahead, here we go!

Snow Patrol - Set The Fire To The Third Bar

2008-02-15T21:45:00.001-08:00

Ok, I know, 2 posts in a day, that's a bit obsessive. I just had to post this video, I had the album going while I was studying and when it came to this song, it just struck me yet again, how much I adore this song. I don't particularly like Martha Wainwright, but I just love this song anyway. Something about the lyrics set me back to that childhood dream I had that my soulmate was far from me. Anyway, here it is.

Day After

2008-02-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

No...not that kinda of day after. Get your minds out of the gutter, you know who you are. It is now the day after Valentine's Day! I would like to give my congratulations to those people who became engaged, or promised to each other. Also my condolences to those who were dumped on the most "romantic" holiday of the year.

I am also posting a part of a free write we did in my expository writing class. Our assignment was to write a story that was as if we were coming back to a very special spot after a long absence and we were not physically alive, we could be ghosts spirits or any other type of mythical or fantastical beast. We were also to describe with a sense of a wide focus and then coming in close. we were to bring out the poignancy of being somewhere special that we couldn't really go back to ever again.

I am going to preface my writing with a small description. I had a wonderful teacher in kindergarten and first grade. She had us describe what the inside of out minds looked like. she described hers as a house with a huge garden where ideas grew and inside all the rooms she stored memories and certain rooms had locks where secrets were kept. My mind apparently looks like a castle as you will see. In my story I described the world in my mind...

The real world goes like this, we create for ourselves a little patch of perfectness. We live our lives out in the world the real world but all the interesting things occur in the inner world. We create a system and a home for our knowledge and experiences that no one can enter but ourselves. I am gone from the real world and as I yearn to rest I am urged to return, just for a moment to my own mind, the inner sanctum in my interior world.
I float back through fog and purple mist to a valley surrounded by peaked mountains crested with crispy glaciers. I glide along the down the mountainside over the evergreens and alder leaves to skim the valley floor. My passing is unmarked unseen, the game birds along the river that meanders across the wide bottomed valley aren't flushed to flight. I am fleshless and substance-less- all that is left to me is a consciousness. The lone being to mark my passage is the shadowy watchman who waits for my return. At the opposite end of the valley is a small rise where a fortress gleams.
I float toward my sanctum unsure of what I will find there. I had lived out my "real world life" and neglected the inner. The outside had been a shell crumbling from the inside out, and no one had noticed.
I came to the gate and I reached out...I forgot, I no longer have a body. So I pass through the thick wooden panels that make up the gate and enter the courtyard of my mind. There is my fountain of youth, still burbling away. How I long to feel those cool droplets against my skin once more. The fish are long gone, their splashes no longer joining in the song that once filled this space.

This piece is unfinished and hopefully I will take the time to finish it...

Lord of the Flies-William Golding

2008-02-14T01:15:00.000-08:00

In my English Literature class we had an exciting assignment I never thought I would be able to do. We had to write a "Microtheme" a short paper on a topic from the book Lord of The Flies. The paper has to fit on a 7x4 card, and could only be size 10 font or larger. I could have hand written it, but no one would have been able to read it. I love my paper. I normally am the type of person to ramble on and on, you may have noticed. But I think I did a good job on this one. it could be any kind of paper. I chose to do a narrative that describes Ralph after he comes back to teh "real world" and the changes he wants to make. My paper will follow this posting. Keep in mind the short format and my normally lyrical writing style.

Remembering Piggy

He is crammed in front of the typewriter, his large hands look out of place rippling with lightening speed across the keyboard. He has a deadline to meet; this article is due any second. The editor breathing down his neck is the last thing he needs tonight. He suddenly bolts upright; his size now becomes apparent, his hair standing tall from having hands raked though it brushes the door frame as he snatches the article from the typewriters mechanical grip and dashes out of his office. “Here it is, the article on the protests,” he is already on his way back out the door to gather his things and head out into the night.
He has reached his home, a small flat in a fairly good neighborhood, he could afford better on his salary but he is more than happy with his current situation. As he enters his home he reaches out automatically to play the messages on his answering machine “Ralph, great job on that article, you really got into the head of those guys. I’ll make sure that I send anymore of these your way. Have a great night,” that was his editor. As Ralph passes into the kitchen the mirror catches his reflection, his large boxer’s body, so out of sync with the thickly framed glasses covering his eyes. If he were to remove those glasses one could see the gentleness that has settled there.
As he cooks himself a quick meal, the smell of the meat cooking flashes him back to another time, another place, long ago and far away. The pig roasting on a spit the crowd of underfed boys and Him, Ralph hates to think of that horrible nickname and that he was once stupid and young. He can’t believe that he doesn’t even know his name…Piggy. That is the only name he had. How cruel we were, he thinks, how idiotic. Could we not see that Piggy would have saved us with that bright mind? Piggy…Ralph hurriedly snatches the singed meat out of the pan and moves into his study to cram himself in front of yet another typewriter. But this is Ralph’s own space, his first apartment after living in the “Facility” as he liked to think of it. After being rescued from the island all the “Found Boys” were placed in a rehabilitation center and housed like animals until they could be reunited with families or deemed fit or unfit to enter the New World. That’s what it was called, the New World, rebuilt after the war into a world without borders.
Ralph had been the first of the boys to be released, he had thought that his father would come for him, but he found out later his father and his entire ship’s complement had been lost during the war. So, he had started his life new, fresh, and decided that he would write. He held on to every scrap of humanity he could and made it through college and got his job with a newspaper. He started with the classifieds and worked his way up, and now he was the go-to-guy for articles concerning the protests that were coming ever more frequently. He could empathize with these freedom fighters, but he had been through enough violence during his time on the island. He decided a while ago that he would never again be a party to violence. “We were just a pack of kids,” he mutters as he settles in to work. Not all of the boys had been as lucky as he was, many of them never left the “Facility.” Ralph went to visit them infrequently; it was just too hard to see those boys without seeing the one face he was looking for, Piggy.

The other boys would never admit it, but it was because of Piggy that they had all made it through as long as they did. He had been the voice of reason during all that madness. And yet, there was no one Ralph could tell his story to, no one had known his real name, so even if his family had made it through the war there was no way to find them. Ralph had made it his life’s work to tell the real story of Piggy, the brave and true, who had stood for all that was right on that godforsaken island. He poured the wisdom of Piggy onto the page in a manifesto that would hopefully find its way to the Governors. They could use a bit of Piggy’s insight. They thought that ruling with might and fervor was enough, even Ralph could understand this was not the best course of action. Jack had tried that, and where had it gotten him? He was locked in a solitary cell after trying to win control of the “Facility.” He thought he could regain power and with the help of his lieutenant, Roger, take over the world. In Ralph’s thinking, even if the “Found Boys” managed to escape, no one would listen to the savage rabble. Surely the world at large wasn’t that idiotic.
Democracy, free will, rights, and community were the ideas sprouting from the words flowing out of Ralph’s hands. Piggy would have wanted those things; he would have fought for them. This society was probably headed for disaster if someone didn’t make a change soon. There didn’t need to be so many laws, everything had a law. People of this ethnicity must live here, and work these jobs. People above a certain age must move into “Homes,” a similar construct to that of the “Facility.” Unwanted, useless citizens were crammed into buildings little better than warehouses.
Certain groups had begun to gather the force to start fighting the Governors, so that life could be free for all. Those rights that the old leaders had striven for, the right to life liberty and the pursuit of happiness, had been long forgotten, and left to rot on shelves that none but the politically elite could even know existed. In his work as a reporter Ralph had come into contact with a man born into the elite but who wanted some semblance of a democracy instead of this semi-fascist-cum-communist whatever it was that was in power now. This man had risked his life to obtain for Ralph a copy of the United States Declaration of Independence and the Fundamental Laws of England so the formulation of a new regime could be built on the back of the old.
That had been Piggy’s idea back on the island; he had wanted a society based on the one they had been born in. But his ideas had been ignored because they were unpopular. The boys had just wanted to play at being savages and hunt all day, so they did. And in the process burned all the vegetation off he island twice and they had ended up with three dead boys. They had told no one about the first little boy to go missing, only of Simon and Piggy. Ralph was guilty in both of their deaths, if he had just been stronger, if Jack hadn’t…But none of those thought could bring either of them back. So Ralph turned once again to the typewriter and continued to let the ideas flow. “No one person should have absolute power over another. We are all accountable for our own actions and for helping others. We must all share in the responsibilities of guiding and protecting the children of the earth, so that we may prevent a future world holocaust.” With these final words Ralph tugged the paper free. He gathered all the pages and placed them into the binder. It was time to take this to the Governors and the people. Changes must be made, and with Piggy’s wisdom, they could be made, Ralph was sure.

Wow! Not World of Warcraft!

2008-02-11T00:59:00.000-08:00

Awe is the codeword, this post has nothing to do with a game, unless life is a game. I have no reason for not blogging except that I have been kind of lazy and settling in to my new life here at Pacific University. Honestly most of my inspiration went into another midnight poem regurgitation, so I have very little left for anything else ant the moment. I just thought I would add some words onto the internet, have fun ya'll.

Drink lots of water
Try not to eat too much salt
Eat your fruits and vegetable
Remember to smile and laugh!

Ack, School!

2008-02-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

Yea, duh. I am going to college, it is work, but oh man. I have so much reading to do. Plus I don't actually have most of my books yet. Hopefully they will be here on Monday, I have hope. We are reading Lord of The Flies, 1984, A Clockwork Orange, Night, and Slaughterhouse-Five in my English literature class titles "Man's Inhumanity to Man." We may also be watching V for Vendetta and reading the graphic novel. The textbook for my Introduction to Psychology class is HUGE and we are reading alot of it, and I still don't have it. I have my Spanish textbook already, it's the same one I used at PCC, whew. I haven't even seen the textbook for my World Music class, but I understand that it is ginormous. In Expository Writing we are reading the (sh)novel How Like an Angel. Wow that is alot of books, plus I went on the website of the bookstore, which is run by Barnes and Noble, and found that if I bought them all new it would cost $488! Oh...My...God... I think I am going to faint. Luckily we have found many of these books used or at an amazingly less expensive price. Still, I don't understand why they make textbooks so damn expensive. It isn't like college students have any money.

Although beyond that things are going well. I really get along with my roommate well, and like my professors. The snow today was crazy, but I still had fun. I spent most of the day in the University Center building studying with a girl who is in one of my classes and friends with my roommate. We took some pictures in the snow. I am too lazy to upload them at the moment, so, you will just have to wait on the whim of fate to see them.

In the morning I am planning on walking down to the bus stop and riding in to Portland to church. I have to leave about 8am or earlier to get there about the same time I normally would. Although, this is really only a half an hour later than I would leave if I were at home, so I don't think it is a very big deal. I am excited though. The youth group is doing a fundraiser for the Oregon Food Bank and is doing a pancake feed, a yearly tradition. Yum, I sure do love pancakes.

I am also looking forward to seeing my church family. That is really how I see it. Some of the people at my church have known be since before I was born. I really love all of them and I hope all my favorites are there. Not that I have favorites of course, I love everyone. My parents are bringing my sister in to church, I think and bringing a box of stuff I left at home, or figured out i needed since I left, including some of the novels. I hope they decide to drive me home. I am so not looking forward to dragging my stuff around on the bus all afternoon.

Anyway, I am going back to the grind, although I love this part. I am spiffing up my calender and my writing journal with some pictures from home. Love ya loads!

Home

2008-01-30T19:36:00.000-08:00

I have now had all of my classes once, except for my Intro to World Music class. I will have that one tomorrow morning. They all seem really interesting. I just got finished with my expository writing class. Our instructor has only taught one semester before this one so she is really new. But so far, I really like her. She had us do a free write, on the first day. I think it was about 10 minutes. It seemed alot shorter to me. I went into that place that I love to be in, where ideas flow right from the end of my pen onto the paper. In all it really makes no sense, but I really love my piece. The whole class has the theme of Home. Which, since I moved out on Saturday is a sensitive subject apparently. I was almost in tears. I am going to type out what I wrote, mostly just so that I can process it since I don't really know what I wrote yet so here goes. I solemnely swear that I will make no changes except for spelling from my handwritten version to what I am typing.

Home. Surrounded by family, warm comfortable and yet, so close we can
have stress. those sticky situations that closeness brings about make us
cohesive in the end. My home is a place of wonder, of searching and finding,
loss, love death life and kittens.

"Those who play together, stay together" so charades is important too!
That secret sister language so mystical to the outside world reflects a bond of
love so strong that distance age arguments time tears cannot sever.

We are tied together with ropes of Love. Home can be chosen or not. We
all NEED a home.

When the moon is full my home shines silver. The light making
everything perfect. Although the shadows are more ominous the threads of
silvered light keep us safe.

A wet tongue, a cuddle bug, my baby nephew needs a hug. We all share
something time DNA space, LOVE.

Space alone isn't home. Home is a feeling. That feeling resides in my
Daddy's arms, the warm blanket, the notes of a song. That music spreads through
my blood and breath creating a sacred place wherever I am. That sacred space is
home.

Music always at least in the background running through the day in
blended voices and rhythm. Home Home family Sesame Street Brahms Little Red
Ridinghood.

Home is in those moments tangled on the couch with a horror movie and
my sister. Homeis the cold nose that makes sure I am ok when I cry.

The scent of my mother's cooking, the feel of everything and
nothing
Home is nowhere, but it is a space if not tangible physical space but a
place of real serenity
The center. Surrounded by the world. The eye of the storm safe
protected by Love.

New Friends

2008-01-29T00:52:00.000-08:00

I have just met my new roommate today. She seems pretty cool. I think we are going to get along fine. Her name is Jillian. Since we met this afternoon we have been talking about our pasts and families and just about everything. I am so glad that this looks like a good match. She is even a night person. YAY!!! She is introducing me to some of her friends and they all seem nice. We even watched The One. I haven't watched a movie with someone in far too long. Anyway, she's going to sleep so I will stop typing now. Bye!

Oh, and it snowed, here are the pics to prove it, and a gratuitous vanity shot.

My Dorm

2008-01-27T19:47:00.000-08:00

Romance

2008-01-23T23:54:00.001-08:00

So, I know this song(Stolen- Dashboard Confessional) has been getting completely over played on the radio. But I love it, and the video is just so romantic. Plus I love the TV show House and Olivia Wilde, who plays "Thirteen" is the older incarnation of the girl.

I know I have been going on and on about how I want to change my life and seeing a romantic film or even a music video make me want to get in gear and find someone, maybe not a forever someone, but some one who can love me NOW! Is that too much to ask?

Here's to hoping it isn't.

What a Coincidence

2008-01-22T15:56:00.000-08:00

Today as I was logging onto my computer to check my email, I saw on my iGoogle homepage my horoscope for today. I have noticed that sometimes horoscopes can be eerily similar to what is actually occurring in my life. Today however, there is NO doubt in my mind that I am meant to be trying to heal at this point in my life. Rick Levine from Tarot.com had this to say about my life today:

"This is your Full Moon, increasing the magnitude of your emotions enough to complicate the day. It's difficult to hide your needs, for they -- along with your dreams -- are right on the surface now. But attempting to bury your feelings won't work. You'll be better off bringing them up to the surface and expressing your heart."

This is really freaking me out a bit as this is exactly what I am feeling at this moment. Here's hoping that I can stave off any more complications, I really just don't need those at this moment.

Oh, and I hate the cold! it was 17 degrees when my dad left this morning. And by the time I was eating lunch it was barely freezing yet. Yuck! So cold, and no snow. If anyone was looking to completely cheer me up beyond a doubt they would take me to the snow! SO far this winter I haven't even thrown one snowball that was larger than a ping-pong ball.

Feeling Good...Oh No

2008-01-20T22:21:00.000-08:00

Yes, things are going great in my life. I have gotten into one of my favorite universities, and cast in a great role in a musical. But still, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been trying to come to terms with some of my past and move on, so that I can create a life for myself that is outside of my normal cell of security.

I know, all-in-all I haven't had that bad of a life. My parents love me, I have a great family, and apparently I shouldn't be as messed up as I am. But I am affected strongly by people's emotions. I have always reacted to how other people are feeling and I generally hold other people's pain inside me along with my own. This has led to some past pains appearing at awkward times. I think that during the time when the actual events occurred I was so focused on helping others that I didn't really get time to grieve and heal myself. And it turns out, the people I was trying to heal pretty much didn't even care. Thank You Very Much!

I am hoping to spend some time feeling my own feelings and healing from this pain. I just hope that I allow myself to actually do this. I am a bit afraid of opening those wounds again, they were painful enough the first time. Losing ones best friend is no easy thing.

Even as I am typing these words I feel the tears welling up behind my eyes and my first instinct is to stop them from falling. I thought I had cried enough, but apparently not........Sorry I had to stop and feel that emotion. I have named it, which I never really had before now. Guilt. I won't go into detail, but I have always felt that if I had picked up the phone this would never have happened. I know, I can't know this, and I cannot ever say that MY actions could have changed anything, and really, it is too late now! It is just a hard thing to let go. I really wanted to help, and I didn't. I forgot.

Time to get back to my packing. Hopefully my new life can start now, with a clean slate.

A Crazy Week

2008-01-19T20:27:00.000-08:00

Along with my entrance to Pacific. I have just been cast in Grease with Shoestring Community Players. I am Jan!! If you have seen the movie and need a recap she is the awkward one with the pigtails.

Well I have a list about four pages long of things I need to get together for my dorm room. I went shopping today and got a few things: an alarm clock, a first aid kit, laundry bag, and my Mom got me a set of dishes. I was a bit excited, although I wasn't planning on buying all of that. Just the first aid kit and the alarm clock.

I really want to get this done, I just want this over. Hopefully I can do this all.

My Goodness, I am a Boxer!

2008-01-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

I found out that I will be attending Pacific University Within the next few weeks. Classes start on the 29th. I am sooo freaked. I just hope that everything goes smoothly. Well, wish me luck. I have to go back to stressing out!

Still Waiting...and Wishing

2008-01-12T22:23:00.000-08:00

Well, as some readers may know this has been a very up and down time in my life. in love, and work and school and family...just everything was a bit crazy for me. I am hoping that certain things will settle down soon so that I can focus on just me and creating my own future. Hopefully this will include a some kind of relationship that maybe can be more than just online. I know, the online relationship I had was wonderful, but after a while it just isnt enough. I really just need an actually physical person. I think...
Still not sure of the whole "Operation Get Kim a Boyfriend" but I am trying to go along with it, and trying also to understand why I am so scared. I am hoping that a resolution to my fear can come soon. I hate being scared about real things. Take me to a scary movie, I love 'em, but actual life, eww!
I am still waiting to hear from Pacific. STILL!!! It had better be soon, that's all I have to say about that.
Oh, and in case readers from the past are wondering I am still writing poetry, just nothing I feel like sharing with you, at least not yet.

Winter and Worries

2008-01-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't really know how to put my feelings in words, but I am so unsure of everything at this moment. I am waiting to hear from Pacific University to tell me if I am going to attend there later this month. I am not attending PCC anymore and I really am not keeping in touch with any of my old friends(they weren't really that close so it isn't really a big deal) but I really just have no idea of what is going on.

I am just kind of skating by at the moment. At work, they are training someone new so I don't have any hours, no exaggeration, I haven't worked since early December. So today I logged on to the Oregon employment website and used the iMatchskills tool to start my search for new job. Kinda scary, I hate the search for a new job. I will just have to buck up and do it though. Eww!

Well, wish me luck and hopefully I will have good news for ya'll soon.

A Musical Hug

2008-01-06T16:17:00.001-08:00

I love this song! I heard it during a really sad time and it's just one of those songs that makes you feel better just by the lyrics. so here they are for your enjoyment! I also just love how the first part of the video is kinda in slow motion and builds to the live sequence. Anyways here are the lyrics:

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Chunky Chocolate-Chip Bears

2008-01-05T14:37:00.000-08:00

Here is the recipe for the chocolate chip cookies my niece and nephew made with me, they turned out awesome. Natalie said "These are the best cookies I ever had!" Elias just had huge eyes and made happy moaning sounds. This recipe came from a cook book that I got as a gift when I was young called "My First Cook Book" by Rena Coyle. So bear in mind that this recipe is meant for kids and adults to do together so the wording and directions are geared to the kids.

Chunky Chocolate Chip Bears
Preparation time: 30 Minutes
Baking Time: 10 Minutes

Ingredients:
2 1/2 cups all purpose flour
1/2 Teaspoon baking soda
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature
1/4 cup solid vegetable shortening
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/3 cup packed dark brown sugar
1 egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1 cup chopped walnuts (optional)
Utensils:
2 cookie sheets
Aluminum foil
Measuring cups
Measuring spoons
Medium size mixing bowl
Electric mixer
Rubber spatula
Teaspoon
Oven mitts
Spatula

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
Line the cookie sheets with aluminum foil. (we didn't)
Place the flour and baking soda in the medium size bowl and mix it with the fork.
Place the butter, shortening, and granulated and brown sugars in the mixer bowl. Mixer for 2 minutes on medium speed. Turn the mixer off and, using the rubber spatula, clean the side of the bowl. Mix again until the sugar and butter are completely blended, about 2 more minutes.
Break the egg into the bowl and add the vanilla. Mix at medium speed for 1 minute. Turn the mixer off and scrape the side of the bowl clean.
Add about half the flour mixture and mix at low speed until blended. Add the remaining flour mixture and mix until blended again.
Add the chocolate chips and walnuts and mix at the lowest speed until they are scattered evenly throughout the dough.
To make the Teddy Bear shapes, scoop up a mound of dough with the teaspoon and drop it onto a cookie sheet. This dough will make the bear's body. Scoop up a small bit of dough on the tip of the spoon for the head and drop it above the body. Then place 4 small mounds next to the body for the arms and legs. Using your fingers, gently press the body flat and make sure the head and arms and legs are close to the body. Make more Teddy Bears about 2 inches apart on the cookie sheets.
Put the oven mitts on and place the cookie sheets in the oven. Bake until the edges of the cookies begin to turn brown, 10 to 12 minutes.
Put the oven mitts on and remove the cookie sheets from the oven to a heatproof surface. Let the cookies cool completely. Gently remove the cookies with the metal spatula.
Enjoy!

Christmas and other Shenanigans

2008-01-02T21:23:00.001-08:00

This Christmas was a good one in this home, we spent a lot of time with our family and managed to eke out a few good Christmas gifts to each other. By far, the coolest gift was the geckos, however I am the proud owner if a sweet digital camera, which I have been using all the time since I got it.

For New Years as usual our family decided to go to the beach so we were camping in our trailer at Pacific City Thousand Trails Campground. My brother and his kids joined us for New Years Eve and we have the kids staying with us this week. So far it has gone very smoothly no doubt in part due to some advance planning and the fact that they are truely great kids, even a lady at a restaurant said so, she even thought they were my kids. I would be proud to say that they were mine but, obviously not.

We had our own New Year's Eve party in the Trailer. No alcohol was involved, just good clean fun.

And we had Christmas(late) with Great Granny, it was a bit boring so we had fun taking pictures and reading.

Today we made cookies and I will post the pictures and the recipe in my next posting. I plan to start posting awesome recipes I have tried here in the future, I already have some planned. Look for them soon!

Ta ta for now...

Long wait- Sorry

2007-12-20T16:31:00.000-08:00

Well, having finished my finals and all that, I am much relieved. I thought that this week would be boring since I haven't been called in to work and I don't have school, and there were no trials this week. So, I thought I could watch TV, sit on the couch and sleep. So far, I have gotten to do some of that, but I have also spent an immense amount of time hanging with a friend I haven't seen for a couple years.

He and I used to walk our dogs together everyday in middle school and would hang out at the Humane Society and generally were joined at the hip throughout 8th grade. In high school we were still friends freshman year and I dragged him and his huge dog Tank into the production of "a Midsummer Nights Dream" After that we sorta drifted apart, we were always friendly just we didn't hang out like we had used to. Part of it I think was due to the fact that our family moved to the other side of town and we could no longer walk a few blocks to the others house. but, honestly we never got in a huge fight to break up our friendship, and I always could talk to him. But now that he is back from his mission trip we have hung out a lot. NO, we are not dating. We are just friends. By the way, I am not high in this picture, this is Tank you really don't get the full affect of his size here but, as the name implies is huge.

Sunday night he and I went bowling in Portland then walked around Downtown(I froze my but off) and then ate at Denny's, I don't think we got home until after midnight. Then the last few days we have been watching the second season of Heroes. We went shopping and I met some of his family, awkward!

But seriously, I have been getting the stink eye from my parents like we are dating or something. Not! Just friends, not sure if a certain someone is going to read this, but sorry if I hurt you...I just need more than you can give me right now and it's killing me to keep trying, so maybe we should just take a break.

Welcome to the Family

2007-12-13T13:30:00.001-08:00

No, I don't live in a zoo, we just happen to love animals. We have just added two new additions to out family, Leopard Geckos named Buttercup and Wesley. If I need to tell you where we got those names you really need to watch classic movies more often. The girl, (Buttercup, obviously)is "normal colored" she is kind of a tan color with brownish-black spots. Wesley, the boy, is a partial albino, I can't remember the term for that, but the background is alternating yellow and darker yellow stripes about an inch wide, with tan-ish spots, the spots on his head connect in these weird swirls. He doesn't have those creepy red albino eyes though, so that is good.

They are an early christmas present for my sister. I found them on craiglist and went to pick them up on tuesday. I am glad to say that she loves them, I do too. These are our families first reptiles since we summer sat the class box turtle from out mom's class at school. These guys are awesome, and hopefully they will be with us for quite a while

The Gossip - standing in the way of control

2007-12-05T22:45:00.001-08:00

Prince Caspian!

2007-12-05T16:00:00.001-08:00

I love the Chronicles of Narnia books, and I must say that although the file Lion WItch and the Wardrobe could have been better, I wasn't all that dissapointed with it. I thought some of the costumeing choices were odd in the case of the witch. But I understand that it is someone's vision of her.

The reason some people didn't like it is that it doesn't really showcase the entire book, but I can understand that the book has alot of stuff that happens in it. And from my recollection, Prince Caspian seems bit more like a movie than an epic. But here we go!

"Between Iraq and A Hard Place"

2007-11-28T13:24:00.000-08:00

No, I am not going into a semi political diatribe about bush and the dumb war in Iraq, I am merely quoting my understanding of what my History of the Middle East instructor said in class today. That isn't what he said but because my ears were ready to hear Iraq my brain interpreted the old adage between a rock and a hard place as Iraq, and oddly I find it apropos. That is the situation we are in and hopefully, my friends and all the other soldiers who are in Iraq right now will come home soon.

On a slightly sillier note I found this little quizzy thingy and just thought I would post it.

You Will Be an Unconventional Bride!

You're probably the type of girl who never considered getting married - until you met *him*
You're not a big fan of white dresses, church weddings, or cheesy DJ's
That's okay - you'll do it your way... whether that means a Vegas wedding or guys as bridesmen
While you may not toss the bouquet (or have anyone to toss it to), it will still be the most romantic day of your life!

What Kind of Bride Will You Be?

Babies and Dreams

2007-11-11T20:20:00.000-08:00

So, I went to a friends baby shower this weekend. I was really excited since: #1 I am a human of the female persuasion, #2 I have not seen this friend except for a brief chat after Beauty and the Beast this summer, #3 I have never been to a baby shower before. So this last week I set about the search for the perfect present. This included grand ideas of knitting, crocheting, and vast piles of money. None of which turned out to just appear. So, I turned to my life to look for inspiration. I checked out the things the kids at the daycare love and things that my niece and nephew have loved.

I ended up making this really cool blanket made out of polar fleece. It was tied all around the edges and blue camouflage on one side and navy blue on the other(the baby is a boy). I almost wanted to keep it for myself. You can find directions to make your own here.

I will take this time to address one issue. As I have grown up I have always said that I wasn't sure if I really wanted kids, as I don't want to be the parent my mother was, and is. I look at many of my friends who have kids or are getting married and I wonder what they are thinking. We are only 20 or 21 and they are starting families.

Although I admire them greatly and some of them seem genuinely ready for kids. I however want to wait until I am finished with school, in a stable relationship, and emotionally ready to have a child. Only then will I think about it. I just don't want to be as brittle as my own mother. I want to make my child feel good about them self and feel that they are worthy and ready for anything.

Enough of that, I will admit to getting that soft longing feeling when I see small children and pregnant women, and weddings...and other female things.

Migraines and Midterms

2007-11-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

Really, I am not fixated on midterms, it just happens to be that it what is going on on my life. Today was about the easiet midterm I have ever taken. I was the first one done and I finished in about 30-40 minutes (I can't remember when the instructor stopped talking). Yay finally done with round one of exams, but that doesnt guarentee me a break from studying since in my Anthropology classe we are having 2 midterms and a final and that midterm is tomorrow! Good thing I know have been keeping up on my reading.

NOw to get to the migraine part of this blog. I think I am getting one. I tend to be tired and a have a hard time focusing when one is coming on. It isn't until it is almost too late that I realize what is happenening most of the time. This morning and last night as I was getting into bed I had a bit of a headache and that plus tired, plus night driving and exhaustion means uh-oh, this may be a migraine. Which sucks!

Last fall I missed the week leading up to midterms because I could barely open my eyes or move with my head hurting so much. So I hope I can keep this one away. i am about to do some research on alternative ways of treating a migraine as I don't have a prescription for anything to take. Wish me luck!

Happy Day-after-Halloween

2007-11-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here we are, the day after Halloween. The children are full of sugar and exhausted by their late night candy finding escapades. Me, I am partially migraining, exhausted and pissed-off because my professors are crazy and have now stretched midterms into a 3-four week experience! I had one early one at the normal time and now I have another on Tuesday. Not that I am worried of course. I'm positive I will do well, it id just the fact of the matter that I just don't want to spend four weeks stressing and studying for tests.

Beyond that, Life is pretty good. In Chorale we have started studying our Christmas music, which I love. I don't know if there are words to describe how I love the Christmas season. The music, family and just everything, including presents! are what it is all about and all are things that I enjoy.